[quote=sam_oc]If there's anything else you could suggest, please share. This isn't going to be easy so I'll take all the help I can get.
My wife is coming this sunday to claim her kitchen stuff. She was the cook, so I don't care what she takes. She is having a friend help her. I don't want to be there, although I like the idea of having a big party while they're there and whoopin' it up.
At this point, I'm reading alot of posts here to get some direction on reconciliation. So far, I was told to watch out for EA or PA. I have a lot to learn, but I will check here and share whatever comes my way. I am going to read DR soon.
I love the party idea. Unfortunately, after being M for 9 years, my circle of friends isn't what it used to be. I wouldn't be able to throw together a party like that. I hope to GAL so I can get to that point soon. And W & I agreed to take S trick or treating on Sat evening. That should be very comfortable.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Hey Puppy, you found my thread and posted. Thank you.
etrain, I can relate, throughout my M, we saw more of her friends than mine. I made an effort to get to really know her friends, but she didn't like my friends that much. She said they were different. But, her friends were different and I still liked them. The result is, now my circle of friends is not what it used to be also. Someone suggested a church singles group for social activities. It's not to hookup, but be in a big group to mingle and socialize.
We're also taking the S trick or treatin'. I hope yours will indeed be comfortable. I am trying to get comfortable with my WAW but really, there's still some tension. Sometimes when we spend time with S, she checks her iPhone. Seems like she's bored. I'd like to know how I can make an event with her to be more positive?
I'll check back with you after saturday to see how it all went.
Besides that, I suggested to W that we plan "visits" after she moves out...and she agreed. So on days W has him, I'll stop over her place to visit S for an hour or so...and W will do the same when I have him. That way he'll still see both of us almost every day.
If you will use this opportunity for DBing your W in addition to spending time with your son, this would be great. But if you use it as a crutch to cling to your W instead of getting out and making new frinds, that will not be good and she will shut it down.
My suggestion is that when you go over there, always be dressed really sharp with some new clothes and new colgne. You may want to try a new hair cut or growing a beard (or shaving...whichever), just something different. At first....always have plans that you are going somewhere or somebody is planning to be coming to your house after the visitation is over. That is DBing your W. She is seeing you look absolutely "hot" and GAL. If you play your cards right, she will see some mystery there also. She will be wondering where you are going, who will you see, who is going to your house later, etc. If she asks questions, be very vague (but don't make up stuff & lie).
Go places where you can meet people You may have to step out of your comfort zone some times, but if that is what it takes, do it. Go shopping for new clothes, get involved in a gym and workout, go to the libray or play golf...whatever to keep you involved in something other than computer games & TV).
If you've got one person who can at least give you a call when your wife is over at your house visiting S, and all you have to do is mention to the caller is a time and say, "See you after awhile". Don't mention any names. If you have no calls coming in, then you can text somebody on your cell phone.....right? She can see you doing that or stepping in the next room to take a call. You don't tell W who it is.....you don't owe her that information, and you can just look at her and smile and immediately change the subject. Don't break down and tell her what you are doing or it will ruin your changes of anything in the future. If you need to remind her that your are S now, so be it. This is what she wanted, right? The sooner she sees you being the one who is enjoying living a single life, the sooner she is going to get her head on straight and realize she's made a terrible mistake by letting you go. But she needs to realize that. She was only thinking about herself being available, but she needs to realize that somebody might get you while she is out of the picture.
I hope I am not telling you this too soon and that you can understand "why" I am going straight to this idea. B/c WAW's are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't think clearly and they need assistance in getting their eyes open. She must be attracted to you in order to want you back. First, she must be shocked. That is why you need to immediately chage your house and take all her pictures down and just have picutes of you and son. Take any wedding keepsakes and put away. Any personal items of hers that are left need to be put away in a closet. Keep all that out of sight. Make it all about you and son. Do something outlandish. What I mean is like the pool table idea. Maybe you can't get a pool table, but you could do something else that just said "male decorating here" all over the place. Why? For her to be shocked....and of course, she won't like what you did...but she has no say in the matter, b/c she chose to leave. If she gets verbal about what you've done, don't react, just smile. Act proud of what you've accomplished.
Your W is expecting you to act crushed over her leaving you. You are! But her expectations needs to be blown apart by seeing the man she left enjoying his single status and she will begin to question her decision. It is so important that you act self-confident when you are around her. You are always in control of your actions, plans, and emotions. You can ccry your eyes out when she's not around, but never act sad, pitiful, lonely, etc. when you are in her presence. That will only turn her off. I hated to see my H acting like the victum (even though he was) b/c it made me sick. That was the attitude I had and I did not find him attractive at all. So, I'm trying to tell you what to do to bust a D. I hope you will take this advice. It isn't something you feel like doing. It is something that feels the opposite from what you think you should be doing. Read my signature line.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi! Awesome advice! Boy, I wish I had room for a pool table!
W will be moving the rest of her stuff tomorrow morning. We will be taking our S trick or treating together in the evening...then S will be spending his first night at W's apt tomorrow night. So tomorrow night will be my first night in the house alone.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Wow, sandi, that is absolutely awesome information! Thank you for posting that. I am going to cut and paste that so that I have it with me all the time.
Me 44/W 32 S1 M8 Bomb 9/25/09 Separate houses (about 1 hour apart)
Heading home from work now. Tonight will be the last time W & I sleep under the same roof. And we have to split up all our son's stuff tonight...toys, clothes, etc. This weekend promises to be life-changing. I'm working on plans to attend a Halloween party on Saturday night to help take my mind off things. Wish me luck!
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I know that tonight will be hard for you, but remember that it is so important that your W see you being strong, okay? Go outside, in the bathroom or leave if you think you are going to break down. Don't try to talk her out of leaving b/c it will lead to more R talk, and get bad.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
