Young couple in need of help

[TrentC]

Yeah I knew I was kind of fishing for a answer that yes she does want me around. I just responded I will let her know by tomorrow.

That's another good tip: when in doubt, say nothing and commit to nothing.

[sumguy27]

got a response:

okay...I guess..

[robx]

Our conversation this morning:

W:Hey bring their costume with u and I'll come pick it up after work and also can you buy some daipers for her because I don't have any money and she is almost out and I don't get paid till friday

M:Tristans costume is not done yet. I will drop them off tomorrow. And you don't have any money at all? Which friday this friday or next friday?

w:2morrow I get paid so are we talking them trick or treating? You never answered my text from yesterday?

m:W, I definitly want to take our kids together with you to go trick or treating, but I only want to go knowing you want me there. At first you said no and then you said lets make a deal. The deal is temping but I only want to come along knowing u want me there with you. Not so you can pawn me the kids that night so you can go do whatever.

w:No its fine we can take them and then you'll just have them for the night so I don't have to bring them back tomorrow morning.

M:So you want me to spend time with you and the kids then?

w:No with the kids not me, I just want us to be there for the kids and that's it. Not because I want you to spend time with me


I didn't respond after that. I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Is this a good thing or bad thing? way confused.

OK Dude, you're definitely sliding back so you're going to get some 2x4's.

1. Yes you can buy diapers for your little one, she's not asking you for a million dollars, this is your kids and you're her dad and you're more than willing to provide for her. You're not giving your w cash money for her to waste on something personal for her, you're buying diapers & wipes for your little one - that's ok to do. This isn't a gift for your wife, it's a necessity for your kid - you're not doing this for your wife, you're doing this for your kid - you will always be there for your little one because you're a good dad - get that into your head.

2. You could answer her when she asks if you are taking them trick or treating together, you can say "I don't mind coming with you trick or treating, it's for the kids, that's what's important, it's not about us".

3. The part where you mention "I only want to go knowing you want me there.", NO, NO, NO and double NO!!! You don't care if she wants you there or not, that is pursuing, that is approval seeking, you're seeking external validation from her - I only want to go if you want me there? PFFFT! I will be there with you and be civil, I'm there for the kids, just like you is what I would say.

4. Tell her that after trick or treating is done, you'll say goodnight to her & the kids and you'll have them when it's your turn to have them. That's your agreement and you don't have to give her the night from the kids, she'll have her time off from the kids when you have the kids. That's the deal, that's the agreement, you stick to that. That way she can't "pawn" them off on you as you put it. That way you have nothing to worry about, she isn't using you so that she can just give them to you at the end of the night because she has plans - you won't let her, you'll be civil about it and just say, it's your turn to have the kids still, when it's my time to have them, that's when I'll take them. If she makes more noise about it, just tell her that its the agreement you both decided on and that's how it is. Civil, friendly but firm.

5. "...No its fine we can take them and then you'll just have them for the night so I don't have to bring them back tomorrow morning." Tell her that you'll go trick or treating and she will have them after that is done because it's her turn to have the kids (I'm assuming at this point that it's still her week to have the kids). You won't take them for the night so that it's easier for her and so that she doesn't have to bring them in the morning. You're not there to make it easier for her, she isn't making anything easy on you. Tell her you would rather just stick to the agreement, she can bring them to you when she is supposed, making exceptions here & there just leads to messy things afterwards, "well I took them when it was your turn to have them, etc.". Just stick to the agreement, it's something you will both have to get used to.

6. "...w:No with the kids not me, I just want us to be there for the kids and that's it. Not because I want you to spend time with me", you pursued too much and you got your hand smacked for it, did you like how that rejection felt? Stop pursuing, she is nowhere near any stage in her thought process to wanting to spend time with you so stop pursuing her, you will get the same reaction from her everytime you do this and I guarantee you it won't feel good anytime she tells you this so why set yourself up for this disappointment.

Sumguy, you really have to drop the rope.
It's counter-intuitive and everything successful about db'ing involves that, the opposite of what you would do. You pursued, you got shot down - that's what you would do and that's what happened. So stop pursuing! Stop contacting her, you can reply to texts concerning the kids but anything else don't reply at all on. Be civil & friendly and start focusing on you & your life. Reclaim your individuality. Seriously I read your thread and you probably think about your wife 99% of time every single day - how's that working for you? Feel good? She is controlling your thoughts, when do you suppose you will allow yourself to control your life & your thoughts.

Detach, drop the rope, appear as if you're moving on, get a life, a real life where you are too busy to interact with her.

You're just going through the motions right now and you're getting results based on half-assed effort.

Slow is fast and Fast is slow when it comes to db'ing.

Did you enjoy these 2x4's?

They were for your own good.

[TrentC]

Slow is fast and Fast is slow when it comes to db'ing.

Did you enjoy these 2x4's?

They were for your own good.

This would be why robx is the Bad Cop and I'm the Good Cop.

[robx]

boy needed a wakeup call, he got one,
I'm not being "hard", just trying to be real,
we all hear about the WAS mentality and living in fantasy land, I think the LBS mentality can be similar and none of us live in fruitopia, we live on planet earth where reality is the law of the land.

[sumguy27]

Yeah I did. She had called me again just a few minutes ago. Asking about the daipers. I told her I'll get them later on and stop by my office. She had asked again if we are taking the kids together this saturday. I told her I don't know because after you had said no I made plans. She asked how come I didn't tell her that then? I told her I was waiting for tomorrow to see if the plan is going through or not. she replied,"I know your answer is going to be no," very dissapointed. The whole time talking with her I was calm and was talking to her like I would a close friend.

I can't wait to see my little ones today. Even if its just for a split second at the office.

[Steve McQueen]

huh? take the kids trick or treating. put your differences aside for a couple hours. if for nothing else then for the free candy.

you got 2 more holidays coming up in less than 2 months dont !!!! up the first one. remember, you can still turn this thing around.

got a costume idea for you. dye your hair pink and wear a t-shirt that reads,

There's one thing baby
That I don't understand
You keep on telling me
I ain't your kind of man

even if she dot get it. its still funny.

[sumguy27]

Hahah Steve I like your humor. That's what I was thinking also. I don't want to screw this holiday up plus my son's birthday is on nov 14th, Hmong New Year is Thanksgiving weekend, my wife's brithday Nov 20th, and daughters on Dec 4th. Plus Christmas and man another Hmong New Year in Dec (Minneapolis compared to St. Paul in Nov.) A lot of things are going on for the next 2 months. Its going to be a tough ride.

[robx]

don't miss your little one's first halloween,
remember you're there for the kids, stick with that outline i provided, you'll be ok

[MrBond]

I definitely second what robx is saying.

Actually I think you're deluding yourself to think that she's slowly coming back to you. She calls you because she wants something. it's always something. Your W is still stuck in the fog of wanting to live life as a single woman.

Just keep giving her what she wants and stop rescuing her. Like the thing with the diapers. I have a feeling she's going to keep asking you for money or things because you're showing her that you will do that. She is using your kids when it is convenient for her. Don't fall for it. If she didn't have enough money for diapers, then she shouldn't be going on any trip or buying baby shower gifts.

Spend Halloween with your kids and that's it.