K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

This is the letter I am giving to my W. Then I will walk away and go on about my life as I believe that is what it has come down to. I will no longer entangle myself in hers.

W,

I am going to respect what you asked. I would just like to say this.

I obviously still have growing to do. The more I learn, the more I know I have to die to myself. I know that this is really all my fault now.

You had hopes and dreams that I crushed time and time again in our marriage. I deeply hurt you over and over again. I was controlling and manipulative. It came so natural that I didn't even realize when I was doing it. That is something that I am having to learn how to quit doing. It is not an overnight change after years of thinking and acting a certain way.

My job was never to lead you, but to serve you and the girls and love yall unconditionally with no strings attached. It was my job to be there for you when you needed me to. It was my job to meet your needs. I wanted you to meet my needs which became ridiculous but did not turn around and meet your needs. Marriage is supposed to be a full partnership and I was not an equal partner. You had to carry to much weight on your own. I burdened you beyond what any human should have to carry.

I don't blame you at all for how you finally responded. I pushed you in that direction over and over again. I am the cause for the world we live in now. It is a hard reality to accept and take responsibility for. But it is the truth.

I let my own selfish desires tear us apart and push you out. I didn't love and cherish you the way I was supposed to. The way you did me. You needed to feel safe and loved and listened to and important and beautiful and I did not give you those feelings. Yours and the kids needs became secondary to my own. How selfish I was.

I did not treat you like a friend, partner, wife, or mother. I did not meet you half way.

I judged you, was verbally abusive, drank to much and I was a nightmare to be around. You needed to get out of that situation. For me to assume anything else was selfish and distorted on my part. I pointed the finger at you for our problems and the truth is, all our problems were because of me.

I did not respect your boundaries nor anyone elses. I did not put importance on what was important to you and the girls. I put pressure on you that was undeserved.

I realize that you are right in that I was delusional in things I said and did. I did burden the kids and did not realize that it was what I was doing. I didn't realize it was just another form of manipulation and control. That is stopping here and now.

I needed to and still need to grow up more. While I am making some progress in some areas, I still have a lot of growing and changing to do. There is no way to get around it.

Unfortunately because of me, not you, this is the reality our kids live in. I created it. And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you and the girls in whatever role that is.

I will not be going after any kind of custody other than just hoping that I can have them half the time like we have been doing. I realize now that it was wrong for me to let my anger and controlling manipulative actions get in the way. That was not Christlike on my part and not mature.

I have come to realize and accept that we do not have any kind of relationship other than business and coparenting. I tried to force one and that was wrong of me. I realize now that I cannot force someone to love me. That has to be earned through great sacrifice and true change in my own self.

I even tried to use God to fix us and just could not get it through my head that I had to fix me. I didn't realize what in me I had to fix and that it wasn't just going to happen naturally. I am coming to find out it takes a lot of hard work to fix something that has been so naturally rotten for so long. I thought it would be a cake walk and it is not. I can understand you not having respect for me as a man. I have done nothing to earn it.

I hope to thouroughly change me as a person going forward to someone you and everyone else can respect and feel safe around with time. I will not stop working on me to be who I should have been a long time ago.

But I will respect anything you ask and wish for. Your boundaries will be respected.

This cannot be about what I want, but what best meets yours and the girls needs.

I hope that you will forgive me with time. But that is only for you to decide if I have earned it.

If you need anything at all, please feel free to ask.

Kevin