Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thanks. W cheating is in the back of my mind. I hope to be prepared if there is an OM. When she left in July, one of her complaints was we did not have sex often. She said that besides our heated arguements, not having sex is the main cause of spouses to cheat and seek affection elsewhere. I admit I did not initiate sex because I wasn't into her as much the last few years because of our problems. This is a mistake on my part because I know that W is a very emotional person and not paying any attention to her sexually was demoralizing to her and made her feel rejected. Even in the bedroom she tried to be in control and it just turned me off.
As far as she is concerned, believe none of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see.
Seren, This is hard to do since we've separated. She's divided some of our assets like our bank accounts, asked for child support, and already arranged when I have my son. She is very closed to any attempt at reconciling. Any advice in how to crack that door just a little?
In my first post, I stated that my W is honest. This is one thing I admire about her. I even asked her not too long ago if there was someone else. She angrily said 'You know me by now. You know I don't do those things. I honor my vows!'. I believe her, although I thought to myself that if she believed in our vows she wouldn't be doing this to us. My friends wonder if there is an OM because she goes out of town frequently for conferences. Maybe I'm naive because I'm the trusting type and unless I see otherwise, I will continue to count on her honesty because she hasn't shown me otherwise since we met.
You're not naive: you have every reason to expect that your spouse will honor your marriage vows. The trick is to not live in denial if you find proof. And finding proof is the only way you will be able to confront her about it and get an honest response.
I'm not saying that your wife is lying to you, but she has absolutely no reason to be honest with you if you ask something like that. First rule: Cheaters lie.
BINGO. Asking a cheater if they're cheating is of zero value, because they'll just lie to you.
The out-of-town conferences, the lack of previous sex in your marraige, and a couple of other things ARE red flags, Sam, I'll be honest with you. Is there an independent way you can find out for sure? What are these "conferences" she is supposedly going to; I would think that could be easily checked?
Hey PuppyDog, thanks for your input. My M runs a physical therapy clinic where my 'second' job was to provid IT services, so I got to know and become friends with her business parter, other PT's and workers there. She goes to these conferences with one or more of the staff where they would share a room together. She calls me at night to say good night, but she does say they party alot at night during the conferences. When she books the hotels and airline for these conferences we have a common email that sends confirmations, etc. Also, I can easily check with other PT's regarding specific conferences. I have no suspicions as of now, but am prepared for the worst...
Also, I am close to many of my wife's friends both male and female. She felt uncomfortable when her friend's husbands invited me to go to Vegas. I decline because I sensed she was uncomfortable. I do go to lunch with them and they tell me the times that M socialized with them. Plus, M is staying with her parents, so if she's having an EA or PA, I just don't know she's finding the time. The times when she's free on the weekends, she wants to have us spend the day with our s5. Also, I've been bugging her since our son was 3 to buy an annual Disneyland pass (orange county for sam_oc :)), so last month I went and bought passes for my son and I. Not to feel left out, she bought one a week ago--planning on going with us as much as possible. I don't know. She does not exhibit any actions about cheating. I think if there is an OM, she would be more dark.
I'm unconvinced. There's SOMEBODY at these conferences who she's interested in. A strong EA, at a minimum.
And they don't take much time, btw.
BE ON ALERT.
Two people in an EA can bang out quite heartfelt text msgs or emails in just a few minutes. The wonders of modern technology...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Sorry however I agree with Puppy as well...The comment she made -
Originally Posted By: sam_oc
not having sex is the main cause of spouses to cheat and seek affection elsewhere.
Screamed red flags at me and again just my opinion...
Originally Posted By: sam_oc
She felt uncomfortable when her friend's husbands invited me to go to Vegas.
This bugs me the most for some reason - Why would she be uncomfortable with you going with mutual friends unless there is something there to hide?
Don't stick your head in the sand and "hope" she isn't cheating - For your own peace of mind, make sure...There are ways to go about it secretly and she never has to know...
It wasn't that long ago when I "thought" something was going on however I just couldn't figure it out, then I got crafty
Granted what I found out wasn't anywhere near what I wanted it to be however the guessing game had ended and I will admit I felt better knowing as opposed to wondering.
Originally Posted By: sam_oc
This is hard to do since we've separated. She's divided some of our assets like our bank accounts, asked for child support, and already arranged when I have my son. She is very closed to any attempt at reconciling. Any advice in how to crack that door just a little?
My H and I are seperated as well and I am just now starting to "live" again...
I do things my way now and I push forward to becoming a better woman everyday...
He is also closed at reconciling at this time and I am ok with that for now...
This is the time to use on you...
Don't make this about her/your marriage/opening the door - Use this time to make a better Sam - One she would kick herself for leaving later on down the line.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Seren, She felt uncomfortable with me going to Vegas because after I had lunch with her best friend's husband. I told him I was fighting for this marriage and was broken-hearted. He was surprised. He and his wife thought the separation was mutual. Apparently M doesn't want to appear the 'bad guy' that decided to abandon the family. So, M calls me and accuses me of contacting her friends to have pity on me. I told her that it was her friends calling me and lending me their support. That's when Vegas came up and she made her feelings known that she is uncomfortable because now there was a whole group that I can tell my 'sob story' to. My wife cares too much what other people think and is easily influenced by them. The last 2-3 years there have been many family and friends around her that have divorced or separated, and this caused her to question her own stock and decided, yes, 'life is too short' to be unhappy in a marriage.
