In a stage with no name...I think.

[ginab1966]

I wanted to post over here just to get some feedback. I don’t think I’m anywhere near piecing yet but would love to know what to do about where we are right now.

Just a short background…WAW from emotionally unavailable H after last straw moment in May and move to parents w/ 4 year old daughter. H pursues like crazy but I don’t believe him because promises have been made time and time again and never kept. I come to my senses about breaking up DD’s family and come back on June 21st. My husband now has had a PA and doesn’t want reconciliation, makes appointment at mediator, we go, he changes tune slightly and says he will try, we go to counseling and Retrouvaille. Come back from Retrouvaille on 9/13 in worse shape than going in and he is adamant that marriage is over and wants out but has no money to leave our house. Since then, we are living like friends with benefits. He comes and goes as he pleases, joins DD and I on family things when and if he wants, is affectionate when he wants to be and cold when he wants to be. Is overspending his own money and dipping into “ours” even though he was adiment about getting his own checking account. He is ADHD w/ depression issues so sometimes life skills are hard for him and checking accounts are just NOT his thing.

Last night, out of the blue, during a mundane convo, H says that he is just “there in the house because he can’t afford to move and still wants a D”. My response was “and why do you want the D?” He said “Cuz Im not happy”. My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t whats making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues are making you unhappy”. He said “Yes, I have considered that”. I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave or anything and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and he could leave when he was financially ready. I said nothing more, went upstairs, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep.

How do I deal with this? I cannot move out of the bedroom. My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so sad and unhappy. We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me. I mean, how to I mentally deal with that. All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, GAL’ing and detaching. Where do I go from here? Do I go back to last resort stuff? Do I just do the basics of DB’ing? WHAT??? Has anyone been in this situation? I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE. Don’t stay and stay and once I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN you’ll leave? Well, I have a 2 year plan for the debt repayment and I am the one with full responsibility for that. He simply can’t handle the finances. Heck, he didn’t even give me the full part of his budget deposit anyway…he said he overspent and doesn’t have it…which I can’t prove because I have no access to any of his accounts. UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today. Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard.

Gina B