Trying to make is Right

[godswill]

Hello all, I have been looking through these threads for a few months and have decided to really become involved, because I have lost my way in my DB efforts and am now staring at separation again.
I read DB when I first moved out in May 09 and there was some great info and had a couple calls with the coaches and took some great things away from it.

I got a 3 month sublet for the summer and when the summer ended I could not find a new place and we could not afford some of the ones that would have been good. So we planned on me coming home and looking at redoing the basement or building a carriage house – so I could be close, but my wife would have her barrier from me. After spending some time at home things have not been going well. Where there have already been 3 times where I have been threatened with not being allowed to come home and having to stay in a hotel for longer than my typical stay (I travel for work).

My problem is I got complacent when I got back home - took things for granted, stopped doing the things that were working for me (eating right, staying focused, etc) and now am pretty much where I started. We have been going through these swings for most of our marriage - where I struggle with depression or "checking out" and she jumps on how awful I am and how I do not love and care about the family enough to not make things about me. I had a good focus when I was out of the house to stay positive and on my toes, but when I got home I got comfortable. There is so much stress with life (kids and wife with chronic illness, money tight, travel for work, no family or friend support system, wife homeschools, etc) and I get beaten down by it and let myself waver in staying positive and focused. I feel I need a break sometimes and she feels she is the Ox pulling everything including me. So much talk of how I am an energy drain in conversation - not adding things etc. I did a better job when I was reading and focusing all the time and would come into the house prepared on visits. Being back home I have been worn down by how much effort it takes to stay in that mode, especially being blamed for everything that is wrong regardless of fault (which I have no problem saying many things are deserved - just not 100%).

I truly do not know if I should believe everything she says and take all the blame and that is the only way to fix things. But it seems like it is pretty standard for people to get overwhelmed and check out for a bit. She can blow up at me and I am supposed to let it go or understand that she is so stressed, but if I have my stress reaction (zoning out) I am a horrible person who does not love their kids and needs to get out because of all the dysfunction I am causing. When she gets so super mad and frustrated she will say look at how mad I make her - I thought we are all responsible for how we are effect by anther person- shouldn’t she be working on how she handles me as well as how I handle her.

It gets me so frustrated as well that I need to "crash" to get the motivation. I know I have got much much better - but the understanding due to life stress has got much much smaller that the results to my W look the same. So here I am scrambling again - trying to prove -- and that she is only going to focus on the kids and health and I have to figure out some solution because the "dysfunction" and children’s pain has to stop.

Well that is a highlight of where I am and I am just trying to get my focus on the kids and doing the right thing. I know the right thing is for me to be home and for us to be a family (especially in light of the chronic illnesses) but things just keep on blowing up.

[karen43]

I homeschooled my 2 for the past 9 years, they just started public school this fall. So I have to say that it is a lot of stress. Some of your W's anger may just be caused by the stress of that. And it's not like when you work at a job or office, you're not really given much of a break.

It sounds like you somewhat know what you need to do. If you need to eat right, work on that. You said you have no friend/family support system. Sounds like both you and your W could really use that. If you're religious, some churches are great for that. I do community theatre another great way to meet people. Meetup.com has different clubs listed like hiking clubs and stuff like that. Homeschoolers have tons of groups/clubs listed now; just google. I think that would be huge right there if you had that.

I've also had depression. I attended IC for about a year and take AD's. I've learned I do need to eat right, exercise, have some time with friends, or I could go back to being depressed. It's something I'll have to work on the rest of my life maybe. Have you looked into IC and/or ADs? esp. if you are having a stressful period in your marriage, finances, and etc.

Do you and your W have a date night once a week or every 2 weeks? I think that was one of the big mistakes in my M; we didn't do that and I think that would have helped too. I was too focused on the kids in retrospect.

My X is a blamer too. Just try to ignore and work on what you can change. Reread DR and another book I like by the same author is "Change your Life and Everyone in it". Talks about DR principles in re: to not just marriage, but being solution-oriented throughout your life.

[godswill]

Hi Karen, thanks for writing. I do have a IC, I have seen one for years, but the same things keep coming up in the marriage. I have also been on ADs and have not found much success. When things are going ok I feel pretty good - I really felt things were going OK. Then she will just really blow up and I feel a bit surprised and then can look back and see what she is saying, but at the time I was surprised.I also look back and say, well I can see things a bit differently. She just IMed with me and kept telling me how awful I was on the phone the night before with my son. I was on speakerphone and we were playing and online game and it was a struggle to connect - I kept trying and I did not think he was upset. She says she is deaming about how she and the kids are being attacked by these male figures and how obvious that is she is so scared. She calls my moods as being truly abusive and emotionally raping of her. I just do not get it, I get so confused - I try and say the right thing and it is taken as me being self important or not connected or whatever. I just truly do not know the best way to make things right. I know she is suffering and so burdened, but I do not know how to make it better.

[karen43]

She calls my moods as being truly abusive and emotionally raping of her. I just do not get it, I get so confused - I try and say the right thing and it is taken as me being self important or not connected or whatever. I just truly do not know the best way to make things right. I know she is suffering and so burdened, but I do not know how to make it better.

Well, some of that has to be her responsibility, although you could be encouraging of her doing things for herself, such as do you watch the kids for a night or afternoon each week and give her a break and some time to herself?

Also, I don't know you; do you yell at her or insult her often? Then, you should work on that. From your posts I've read though it seems almost as if she is the one that is yelling/insulting/emotionally abusive. I had that in my marriage, and I do think it contributed to my depression also.

[godswill]

The tough thing is that she and the kids are chronically ill and it makes it hard for them to get out or for her to get out. So it is truly a trapping situation. I never yell or insult her verbally - but I will pull away and not be as attentive or understanding. What happens is because there is such a need for a 100% invested partner when I become concerned with something else or start spending time alone -- or do not laugh at the kids jokes etc I am looked at as being abusive. Because the wire is so narrow if there is anything from me that bobbles it I am looked at as attacking them. Really truly unsure on how to make things better for her, especially when things get to this point. She needs so much help - but screams at me that I am not the person who can help - I am the cause of so much of the stress, how can I be the source of fixing. I just feel that completele pit in my stomach - and feel scrambling on how to make thigns work. Can I come home? How am I supposed to act when I am home? How do I calm her down, act "normal", and enjoy life?

[godswill]

I had a long talk with my sister last night, which was something I had not done in so long. She said that there is so much that I have been expectd to just accept and that it is obvious that there is no respect for me from my W. That she will yell at me in ear shot of the children calling me F this and F that. That I do not love them or care for them and can not put them first. Even though I truly do. There are times when I am not there completly emotionally - but I think some of this is typical. I just truly do not know where to go from here. How do I get the respect I need for myself, from her and get my family back. This is so terrible - we go every couple weeks where there is some blow up where she says I am drifting away and she does not want me there and Iam stuck in a hotel praying for a call to let me back in. I look and say this is the worst thing for the kids, but divorce is terrible for them as well - and for my wife because she has no help and is in a SUPER hard situation. How to make it work? I just do not know. I go back and forth and back and forth and struggle with if I am being selfish for trying to hang on - or even talk about the R - etc - should not the entire focus be on the kids and health. The thing is I try to make that happen and it just does not because there will be some blow up at me that I did not see coming -because I was being distant (all the while trying to do things like clean the house, do the laundry, get the groceries and keep down a job). UGH just really frustrated and trying to figure out the best way for things to work out. I just wish there was a plan and some structure - but I know the only way that will happen is with a battle and I just do not want that either. We both want to be happy and to have a happy family - why can't it work out?

[godswill]

I am really having a hard time coming to grips with things. Each time I think there is some positive momentum there will be a blow up and things go completly back to square one. This happened on Monday this week. I was away for business and had a phone call with W that did not go well. I was home Wed night and all day yesterday and yesterday was just truly terrible. It was one of those blow outs where she is screaming at the top of her lungs how awful I am and how she truly hates me and that I am a terrible father and person. How she guesses she should never have expected anything because I am a truly crazy person. She bases the truly crazy on the fact that I am not able to provide what the family needs in terms of being a constant force of support, love and compassion. Yesterday's initial trigger was we were trying to talk about dinner and I was not bringing energy to what we should have and did not realize how diffucult it has been for her to be home alone with the kids and I should be searching for ways to make things happier for her. I tried to explain that one of the reasons I am not so energetic right now is that I am struggling to think of the right thing to do and say - I am just so upset that we are where we are and that I want to make sure there are no miss-steps. She jump on this - "Would I ever have to think about what is the right thing to do to make things right for the family --- no because I would already be doing it. This whole explaination is examples of how you are so crazy". It kept on going on from there and got back around to where she can not stand me and needs me to move out. The kids could hear her yelling and are scared and "do not want you to leave or get divorced".
I feel so awful about it - the kids are being so hurt right now and so is my wife and so am I. I want the pain to stop, but I know that divorce will not stop the pain, it will be just a different pain.
My wife has no faith in me that I can be the person she needs for a helper and friend and support system -- I do not know what to say to her, because for 10 years I have not and many times I have made promises that I would be everything she needs and I have not been able to do so.
I truly wish I had the answer and I wish that I was not so scrambling and had a plan at least. I have tried to put a plan together and then it just does not happen because it is something that I have put together and she does not agree. The other thing is I have a really hard time saying this will be the plan for me to completly get out - I feel like a plan is a way for me to buy time and then if things go OK for a bit I just let it all go and believe that it will work out.

[C-Bart]

GW,
Time to set some boundaries. Define the boundary and establish the consequences. When your W starts to verbally abuse you simple say I understand you are upset and I'm willing to talk with you but not until we can be respectful to each other. Then walk away. Be ready for her to escalate with additional verbal bashings but walk away.

Also, stop beating yourself up. What is past is past. Remember your R is a co-owned co-created thing.