I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[25yearsmlc]

Amen p17...it's actually the spouse of an MLC (but a lot of WAS'are in that) who are told to "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do..." I also like the "alien abduction" analogy and how the MLC/WAS can spout out alien spew that totally revises the marital history (to justify their choices and the lbser MUST not fuel their negative perceptions or it only helps the WAS to rationalize their choices...eg., "of course I left him b/c look at his temper/her clingy bitterness" etc) and the spew can hurt like heck but isn't even true...if the data isn't real, then for God's sake ignore it. But don't fuel it with negative images of you with the anger spew of your own.
are you going to let your WAS tell you the sky is green and wonder if you need new glasses? No, your WAS is an alien and their data isn't real....

I can tell you that my h literally does not recall some of the things he said to me and I KNOW he said them. Witnesses, etc. He certainly does not comprehend all the reasons why he did what he did, but as of about 3 months ago, for the first time, I can see that he "gets it" as far as feeling remorse for the damage done and the work he has to do with our children, one in particular. It's his job to repair the R's, not mine. I can only encourage it for all concerned. And I feel for him deeply. But a friend asked me, in effect, why I didn't twist the knife in when he was so humbled and in tears. I recognized her bitterness as something I had when it all began....a real WALL of stopping any recon if I had stayed in that dark place...

She's not a happy person & her m won't survive b/c for all her self righteousness, her inability to forgive her h for whatever wrongs he committed, has stopped HER from being happy and as of today, she looks like the nasty one and her h looks like the aggrieved party. That is what being bitter does...I really do believe the inability or unwillingness to forgive & let go, does more damage to M's than any other one thing...
And it ruins lives b/c the LBSer chooses, in effect, to stay stuck and that hurts so many people. Not just the LBSer but the kids and the family of the LBSer and NOT the WAS!! Ironically it makes it easier for the WAS to stay away b/c the lack of forgiveness eliminates the chance of a recon and makes the lbser look like the "bad guy"...

But this "forgiveness thing" is not easy. We know that. For me it was a learned skill that took lots of teaching. Do what it takes so you can free yourself of the pain...and only you can do it. NOT your h. It's not about him choosing to feel grief and then coming back and then punishing him or OW some more....you only get one life and it's a short one. Don't waste anymore on him than you have to. Your kids will face a setback or a betrayal sometime in their lives. They'll have you as a model of what to do and how to behave. Please show them that your pain is not fatal or eternal. You can and will heal. It's up to you as to when.

(( j ))