I agree that you need to try and remember that when you talk about the past you can't expect to solve it in one sitting. It will take many, many little conversations to work through. If you find you are in a place where you are getting frustrated or upset, do your best to stop the conversation there and table it for another time.
Also, have you tried reading a couple of books to help you? I read "After the Affair" when I found out about XW's affair and it helped to put things into perspective for me and answered a lot of questions. Also, I finally got around to reading "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and it is very helpful and insightful. I learned a lot about what I did in my M that wasn't the best, and I've realized a lot about my ingrained communication skills that need improvement b/c I've been doing it all wrong. It may be too late for my latest R, but I'm so glad I read them as they will do nothing but improve things for me in the future.
