Trying to make is Right

[godswill]

Hello all, I have been looking through these threads for a few months and have decided to really become involved, because I have lost my way in my DB efforts and am now staring at separation again.
I read DB when I first moved out in May 09 and there was some great info and had a couple calls with the coaches and took some great things away from it.

I got a 3 month sublet for the summer and when the summer ended I could not find a new place and we could not afford some of the ones that would have been good. So we planned on me coming home and looking at redoing the basement or building a carriage house – so I could be close, but my wife would have her barrier from me. After spending some time at home things have not been going well. Where there have already been 3 times where I have been threatened with not being allowed to come home and having to stay in a hotel for longer than my typical stay (I travel for work).

My problem is I got complacent when I got back home - took things for granted, stopped doing the things that were working for me (eating right, staying focused, etc) and now am pretty much where I started. We have been going through these swings for most of our marriage - where I struggle with depression or "checking out" and she jumps on how awful I am and how I do not love and care about the family enough to not make things about me. I had a good focus when I was out of the house to stay positive and on my toes, but when I got home I got comfortable. There is so much stress with life (kids and wife with chronic illness, money tight, travel for work, no family or friend support system, wife homeschools, etc) and I get beaten down by it and let myself waver in staying positive and focused. I feel I need a break sometimes and she feels she is the Ox pulling everything including me. So much talk of how I am an energy drain in conversation - not adding things etc. I did a better job when I was reading and focusing all the time and would come into the house prepared on visits. Being back home I have been worn down by how much effort it takes to stay in that mode, especially being blamed for everything that is wrong regardless of fault (which I have no problem saying many things are deserved - just not 100%).

I truly do not know if I should believe everything she says and take all the blame and that is the only way to fix things. But it seems like it is pretty standard for people to get overwhelmed and check out for a bit. She can blow up at me and I am supposed to let it go or understand that she is so stressed, but if I have my stress reaction (zoning out) I am a horrible person who does not love their kids and needs to get out because of all the dysfunction I am causing. When she gets so super mad and frustrated she will say look at how mad I make her - I thought we are all responsible for how we are effect by anther person- shouldn’t she be working on how she handles me as well as how I handle her.

It gets me so frustrated as well that I need to "crash" to get the motivation. I know I have got much much better - but the understanding due to life stress has got much much smaller that the results to my W look the same. So here I am scrambling again - trying to prove -- and that she is only going to focus on the kids and health and I have to figure out some solution because the "dysfunction" and children’s pain has to stop.

Well that is a highlight of where I am and I am just trying to get my focus on the kids and doing the right thing. I know the right thing is for me to be home and for us to be a family (especially in light of the chronic illnesses) but things just keep on blowing up.