I read DB when I first moved out and there was some great info and had a couple calls with the coaches and took some great things away from it. I got complacent when I got back home - took things for granted, stopped doing the things that were working for me (eating right, staying focused, etc) and now am pretty much where I started. We have been going through these swings for most of our marriage - where I struggle with depression or "checking out" and she jumps on how awful I am and how I do not love and care about the family enough to not make things about me. I had a good focus when I was out of the house to stay positive and on my toes, but when I got home I got comfortable. There is so much stress with life (kids and wife with chronic illness, money tight, travel for work, no family or friend support system, wife homeschools, etc) and I get beaten down by it and let myself waver in staying positive and focused. I feel I need a break sometimes and she feels she is the Ox pulling everything including me. So much talk of how I am an energy drain in conversation - not adding thing etc. I did a better job when I was reading and focusing all the time and would come into the house prepared. Being back home I have been worn down by how much effort it takes to stay in that mode, especially being blamed for everything that is wrong regarless of fault (which I have no problem saying many things are deserved - just not 100%).
It gets me so frustrated as well that I need to "crash" to get the motivation. I know I have got much much better - but the understanding due to life stress has got much much smaller that the results to my W look the same. So here I am scrambling again - trying to prove -- and that she is only going to focus on the kids and health and I have to figure out some solution because the "dysfunction" and childrens pain has to stop.
Me 35 W 37 M 10yrs Seperated 5-23-09 Back in house 8-27-09 Looming seperation again 10-26 Kids: S8, D7
If you haven't already, you should start a thread for your situation. That way people know where to find you and can help.
First, if you are dealing with any depression issues, get to a C. I also hear a lot of negative thinking in your post. She and/or the stress "beat you down." There is a great book that can help you change the way you think about and handle these stressors - "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Give it a read. Can only help.
Second, from what you say, I wonder if you made "changes" for you or to keep from getting D'd. The changes MUST be for you, and ONLY YOU. Otherwise, they won't stick and she won't believe them.
Third, it sounds like you need a frank discussion with your W about assigning blame. Don't be accusatory or tell her how she is wrong. Just tell her you hear her, you understand, but that while you may partially (50%) to blame for certain things, it is not all your fault. Specifically, accept and own your 50% (no more, no less) part of the reason your M is where it is. And if she reverts to telling you something is 100% your fault when it isn't, just tell her you are sorry she feels that way, but that simply isn't true. Acknowledge your part, then leave it.
Really examine where where you need to change for YOU. Then be consistent.
Thanks I will look into that book and setting up a new thread. I have tried that talk with that the problems in the realtionship are not all mine and that does not go well. The responses have gone from "we never can get to any marital issues becuase of your issues" to "if you do not accept full responsibility how can you expect change" to "if you ever bring up that I have any part in why this marrige has ended I will never talk to you again - it is just another example of you putting the blame somewhere else".
I like that plan of finding what I need to change for ME and doing it. I have lost myself so much and no longer know what is what.
Me 35 W 37 M 10yrs Seperated 5-23-09 Back in house 8-27-09 Looming seperation again 10-26 Kids: S8, D7
Thanks I will look into that book and setting up a new thread. I have tried that talk with that the problems in the realtionship are not all mine and that does not go well. The responses have gone from "we never can get to any marital issues becuase of your issues" to "if you do not accept full responsibility how can you expect change" to "if you ever bring up that I have any part in why this marrige has ended I will never talk to you again - it is just another example of you putting the blame somewhere else".
Walkaway spouses almost always work from the same playbook: they have convinced themselves that the other spouse is the problem.
If you keep hitting a brick wall like that, then it's time to stop pounding your head against it. Drop the relationship conversation until she's ready to talk.
Originally Posted By: godswill
I like that plan of finding what I need to change for ME and doing it. I have lost myself so much and no longer know what is what.
And it's important because the only way you have to change the relationship is to change yourself. You can't make her change, but she will respond to your changes.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
That is so true - I can not make her change. It is a struggle in patience, but I truly believe that the best thing will happen for all - I just hate going through the pain, guilt, worry for the children, etc. I also get so confused on how she can not see that there is something for her to work on. That maybe some of my "checking out" is reactionary to her inputs. I do not say these things becuase it does not work to accomplish my goal - but it still confuses the heck out of me.
I also wanted to apolagize for hijacking your thread - thank you for your help and thoughts!
Me 35 W 37 M 10yrs Seperated 5-23-09 Back in house 8-27-09 Looming seperation again 10-26 Kids: S8, D7
I also get so confused on how she can not see that there is something for her to work on. That maybe some of my "checking out" is reactionary to her inputs.
The only way you can make her see that is to take yourself out of the equation. Maybe when you're not talking to her about the R and out getting a life, and she's still unhappy, she'll begin to question things.
Originally Posted By: godswill
I also wanted to apolagize for hijacking your thread - thank you for your help and thoughts!
Looking forward to your thread...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
No apology necessary. We are here to help one another.
I completely agree with Trent. If you have had a discussion with her before, you don't need to go back to the well on that.
You really have to focus on you right now and your R with your kids. Your W probably has some legitimate gripes (it's never one person), so look at what you need to change. But do it b/c YOU want to do it.
And, just like Trent said, don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.
