He is defensive because he's feeling guilty and afraid he'll never live this down. You are the "saint" thinking about forgiving him, he is the "bad guy" who hurt everyone.
I told Jer that I needed to talk about it so I could figure out what happened, to make sure we didn't repeat history in the future and find ourselves older and in the same place. He said he went insane. He is/was absolutely sick and embarrassed that he risked me and his family for this woman once the "switch" flipped.
I told him that I still needed to figure out how he went from a faithful husband to a man who could take his clothes off and be with someone else. I just could NOT let it go. It did no good either. Honestly, there just weren't any answers he could give me because honey, it isn't anything we (you or I) could've changed because the affair had nothing to do with us, and everything to do with how they felt about themselves in someone else's eyes who saw them as knights in shining armor.
Smart ass remarks? I was the queen. We went to a movie with discount rates for senior citizens and I told him he may want to re-think this as I was costing him more (she was much older than I). Funny, right? Not. Piecing is not for the squeamish my friend.
You absolutely cannot sweep it under the rug, but I guess, ask yourself what you will gain from the information you seek. If it is security, you just won't find it in his words. You only find that in you. Make sure you aren't trying to punish him if you want to reconcile. It's easy to say, hard as heck to do... part of the decision if you WANT to reconcile or not.
Gently explain that what is old news to him is new pain for you. That his failure may hurt him to discuss, but there are answers you need that he has had all along while you have been on the outside -- having only the nightmares and your imagination to fill in the blanks.
I didn't set the time aside like I should have and it would come up in the middle of some really good times and he'd end up frustrated and angry, me... in tears. Not good for new memory building I'm better now. Honestly. The pain is NOTHING like it was at all. But I had to consciously decide to honor MY promise that I wouldn't beat him up for the rest of his life about this. For me, that was coming from a place of anger and pain instead of loving solutions.
I'm better now. Honestly. The pain is NOTHING like it was at all. But I had to consciously decide to honor MY promise that I wouldn't beat him up for the rest of his life about this. For me, that was coming from a place of anger and pain instead of loving solutions.
