Gotta Keep Trying 2

[godswill]

I read DB when I first moved out and there was some great info and had a couple calls with the coaches and took some great things away from it. I got complacent when I got back home - took things for granted, stopped doing the things that were working for me (eating right, staying focused, etc) and now am pretty much where I started. We have been going through these swings for most of our marriage - where I struggle with depression or "checking out" and she jumps on how awful I am and how I do not love and care about the family enough to not make things about me. I had a good focus when I was out of the house to stay positive and on my toes, but when I got home I got comfortable. There is so much stress with life (kids and wife with chronic illness, money tight, travel for work, no family or friend support system, wife homeschools, etc) and I get beaten down by it and let myself waver in staying positive and focused. I feel I need a break sometimes and she feels she is the Ox pulling everything including me. So much talk of how I am an energy drain in conversation - not adding thing etc. I did a better job when I was reading and focusing all the time and would come into the house prepared. Being back home I have been worn down by how much effort it takes to stay in that mode, especially being blamed for everything that is wrong regarless of fault (which I have no problem saying many things are deserved - just not 100%).

It gets me so frustrated as well that I need to "crash" to get the motivation. I know I have got much much better - but the understanding due to life stress has got much much smaller that the results to my W look the same. So here I am scrambling again - trying to prove -- and that she is only going to focus on the kids and health and I have to figure out some solution because the "dysfunction" and childrens pain has to stop.