Hopefully I can put this out here in a way that makes sense. About a week ago, I was out socializing with my husband and some friends, everything seemed normal.
Prior to that, he told me that he wanted to make a better effort to make some friends (he was always home), and I told him that was a good idea. He started hanging out with some co-workers. I really didn't have a problem with that. Sometimes, because he works far away, he would stay at one of his co-workers homes rather than drive late at night. I also agreed with that.
One week later, he proclaims that he is done with the marriage. It feesl a little MLC to me, but who knows? We have 4 children (oldest is 11).
I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling, and he said no. About 2 weeks ago, he said that his kids were most important to him and he would do anything to make sure that they were happy.
I told him I would take the kids and go to my parents, but later decided that he should go. It's too hard for me to deal with limited space and 4 kids. I made arrangements for him to go to my parents for a bit. My parents live very near by.
He hasn't seen the kids in several days, they don't want to see him. He avoids going home to my parents until as late as possible. He hangs out at work, which I know is true because my son has called him at his desk.
Two days ago he texted me and asked if he would be allowed to come with us for Trick or Treat and to a party my friend is having. I told him he was welcome if he wanted to come. He said ask the kids if they wanted thim to go. I really didn't think that was a good idea, so I didn't ask. I haven't told him I don't plan to ask. I was gonna wait to see what happened.
I have no plans to contact or speak to him in any way, other than helping my son call him to say goodnight.
Welcome to the boards. Sorry you find yourself here, but it's a good place to be.
Originally Posted By: Sad Girl
Hopefully I can put this out here in a way that makes sense. About a week ago, I was out socializing with my husband and some friends, everything seemed normal.
Prior to that, he told me that he wanted to make a better effort to make some friends (he was always home), and I told him that was a good idea. He started hanging out with some co-workers. I really didn't have a problem with that. Sometimes, because he works far away, he would stay at one of his co-workers homes rather than drive late at night. I also agreed with that.
One week later, he proclaims that he is done with the marriage. It feesl a little MLC to me, but who knows? We have 4 children (oldest is 11).
It feels a little more like he has someone on the side, and is thinking of trading up. Announcing that he's going to start staying out late and spending the night at "a co-worker's" place? Suddenly deciding to end the marriage out of the blue? Hmmm...
Originally Posted By: Sad Girl
I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling, and he said no. About 2 weeks ago, he said that his kids were most important to him and he would do anything to make sure that they were happy.
...which includes tearing their family apart, right?
Rule number one: Don't believe anything that they say and only half of what they do right now. Except for the part where he doesn't want to go to counseling -- that will come later.
Originally Posted By: Sad Girl
I told him I would take the kids and go to my parents, but later decided that he should go. It's too hard for me to deal with limited space and 4 kids. I made arrangements for him to go to my parents for a bit. My parents live very near by.
He should have had to find his own place to stay, but you did pretty good; he's the one choosing to go, he needs to start making the big life adjustments.
Originally Posted By: Sad Girl
Two days ago he texted me and asked if he would be allowed to come with us for Trick or Treat and to a party my friend is having. I told him he was welcome if he wanted to come. He said ask the kids if they wanted thim to go. I really didn't think that was a good idea, so I didn't ask. I haven't told him I don't plan to ask. I was gonna wait to see what happened.
There's no reason to ask your kids. He wants to pull them into the middle of this by making them choose. Way to make them happy no matter what... :P
You can lie and say that you asked them, or you can tell the truth and say "It's not fair to ask them; I don't think you should come."
Originally Posted By: Sad Girl
I have no plans to contact or speak to him in any way, other than helping my son call him to say goodnight.
Good job!
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I forgot... he hasn't been over to see the kids, because we thought it would be better if they had time to get used to him not being here. The around one day and not the next was freaking out my two younger kids.
Oh, I'm tempted to tell him no he can't go with us on Saturday (hopefully to make him see what he's missing out on), should I?
Definitely. If he asks why, tell him that you feel it would be uncomfortable for everyone.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thanks for your reply, Trent. If he has someone, she's pretty tolerant, because he always answers the phone and he texts regularly. Until I started ignoring him, that is...
Any ideas on why he would want to come Trick or Treating? I mean I guess I can see him doing that with the kids, but why go to my friends party full of my friends and their spouses and children. I would think that would be really awkward for him.
You think it would be best to not let him come? Part of me says not to, but part of me wonders if he might be waking up a little.
Oh, I'm tempted to tell him no he can't go with us on Saturday (hopefully to make him see what he's missing out on), should I?
Definitely. If he asks why, tell him that you feel it would be uncomfortable for everyone.
None of my friends know about this yet. He would go and act normally. As if things were fine. I just can't figure out why he wants to go. What is he getting out of it?
You think it would be best to not let him come? Part of me says not to, but part of me wonders if he might be waking up a little.
If I were you, I would say that I prefer to go alone (no more explanation needed than that). He would be "cake-eating" if he went to the party. He would be enjoying the good part of his marriage without fulfilling his responsibities. You need to make it clear that you will not tolerate it. This will help him "wake up".
