My focus with the kids is not to help my x have a relationship with them for his sake; it is to minimize the damage to THEM. Any attack or harsh words towards him cuts into the kids - they are made of both of us. My son knows what happened; my daughter will come to know as she is mature enough to absorb the reality at her own pace. They also saw the enormous amount of pain and hurt I went through that I just couldn't hide - but that only makes it more important for them to see me survive / thrive afterwards.
Donna, I could have written that exact statement! In my case it is the daughter who is older and gets it and my son who is a bit clueless. My daughter and I have never discussed it, but she is aware. If we are watching TV and something comes on regarding someone cheating on a partner she gets pissed! She gets the anger out that she cannot express to her father. If she ever asks me direct questions about the circumstances I will answer them as directly as possible. But she gets it because my X was so blatant about his relationship from before he even moved out. He spent all of his time with her, she was his new "best friend"....and then he married her two weeks after our divorce was final, so they get it. And they know it is wrong, but that is his issue to deal with, not mine. And I don't attack or bad-mouth him, they don't need that. They see him for who and what he is. Ironically, he bad-mouths me, mostly about financial stuff, and we have discussed it, so they see that side of him also. Sometimes the high road is a good place to be!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
