This is the way I look at the decision about going to the C sessions. The "forgiveness" problem is your W's.....not yours. You know if you go to the session that you are going to have to hear her drag all the negative things about the R up all over again. Then you will either have to defend yourself....and if you do, it will make her mad......or sit there and validate. I really do not see the benefit in it for "you" b/c you are not the one having the problem. You more than likely will walk away feeling very low-down.
If I were you, I would tell her that you've gave a lot of thought to it and you feel that she should talk to the C privately instead of having you there with her. Just be kind but firm and don't back down. If she tries to argue about it.....DB her.
You are right.....you've been GAL and now you are just beginning to be able to see things a little better. Before, you were so down on yourself that it could not have possibly been healthy. Just as I don't see where you attending those sessions will be healthy for you. They hopefully will help your W, but you don't have to be there for her to learn how to forgive you. That's what the C is for.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I met with my C today. Yesterday I called my W and asked that she call him and explain what our goals are in going to C. In her words Monday, she said "I will go to counseling, but I am going to learn to forgive you and trust you for the benefit of continuing to be good parents. I don't want to give you any hope here, if something more happens, then great". So when she asked why it wasn't clear to me, I was very specific. She agreed to email me her goals so I could explain them to the C today. I told her I didn't want to mis-interpret what she wanted. She ended up calling him and talking for 35 minutes.
Today, I met with him. He said she was very confused. He said that in their conversation she said several times that she didn't want to give me hope. He said he felt her words were inconsistent and she did admit that her counselor is not helping her. We've seen my counselor before for M counseling.
She asked him about my progress (why? I have no idea, if she continues to want divorce...why?). he told me he said that I was making consistent and good progress and that he has always had a road map of where I need to be going and I am consistently ahead of him on it and doing well.
So, he felt the same way you Do Sandi. He said that forgivness is something that she needs to work on, not me. However he did say that it is an opportunity for me to be with her in a neutral environment and said that he would be fine meeting together or seperatly.
Now, something has started happening to me. I talked about it a lot with my C today. He says it is part of the detachment process. It is normal and healthy. It makes me feel sad. Basically, I am living. I am going out. I have met so many new friends, reconnected with old ones, even had women hit on me (good SE booster, esspecially when they are 10 years younger then you....no, I didn't do anything). I've done ever stranger things on my weekends. I did a giant Fish Boil with a bunch of friends, lost an eyebrow in that. The next weekend I went on a golf outing with a big group of friends. This past weekend I butchered chickens. I'm sort of doing my bucket list, but making it up as I go. This weekend, I think...not sure, Karaoke.
I am ENJOYING my time alone. Alot. I loev my kids, I am with them now and they leave over the next two days to go with Mom to a wedding. So, the weekend is mine. I'm not sad or dreading it, I am excited for it.
These are the things that the counselor feels shows that I am detaching and rebuilding myself. He said these are all very good and that I will always have the option of deciding to work on my M if that opportunity presents itself. It will just be a decision I need to make but did say that the longer that this goes on, generally the hard it will be to decide to work on it.
The bottom line is that I want it to work, but right now, I am sort of enjoying my time.
The one thing that has me worried is that my W told the counselor "There are problems in our M that he doesn't even know about". He said it sounded cryptic and asked me if I had any idea what it meant. I don't...it has me worried...but I'm not a wreck like I would have been a month ago. I just want to know...put everything on the table.
Sorry, I am a little long winded here, lots on my mind. Thanks for reading and your responses.
Ahhh, you really brought a smile to my face reading about you GAL. That is what I have wanted to hear! I think you do need this time for yourself. I do not want you to feel guilty for enjoying life. You deserve to have fun, okay? I don't think you should feel guilty b/c you are hesitant in your decisions about the MR. Of course you want it to work....and that is what you have told your W since the beginning. I don't think it is necessary to keep trying to "prove" it--when you have openly told her your wishes of wanting to show her how much you would work the second time around. My honest thoughts are that you have grown to the place where you can see the need to continue in this area of growth. It is making you a better, more rounded-out man. You are showing attractive traits, and no co-dependency. It has been very healthy, so why wouldn't you want a little more time doing this?
The thing that worries me about you going to C with your W is that certain history is going to be dug up all over again...in order for her to rehash it and be able to forgive. Do you see this happening without negative emotions? I don't think so. Just as you are reaching a very good place in your life....she wants you to recap all the cr@p the two of you went through in order for her to forgive you. But...she wants you there b/c she wants you to go through the cr@p with her. I don't get why you should have to do that. And, if she has some big secret that you don't know about, maybe it is "you" that will have some forgiving to do. Maybe she needs a C there in order to tell you what her secret is.
Your C sounds okay, but I would not trust hers enough to subject myself to go through that mess. She now choses to "bait" you just enough by saying...."if something more happens, then great"? That's the pits! Why should you have to be subject to that in order to be a good parent with her? I'm sorry, but I don't buy it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know! I agree. However, I can say that whatever it is, I know it will be tough, but I have already made plans for how to deal with it.
We go next Wed. night at 7:00pm. My C is a great guy and we have that last appt of the day because he will stay as late as he needs. One time he talked with me until 11:30pm.
However, that is the day I leave the house and she comes home. So, you know what? I have called 3 friends, talked about this and they all feel pretty much the same, you don't have to be there...but since I am going to be there (I agreed) two of them are waiting for my call. When I am done, 8:00 or 11:00, we're going out. I even told my boss (who's an awesome guy) and he said I should just plan on coming in late :-)
Rather then worry about what is going to be said, what the "things he doesn't realize" are, I will be there to hear it and then know I have at least a few people willing to hang out and do whatever. probably talk about the session initially, but then maybe it will be time for a few tequilla shots or maybe some Karaoke. Eitherway, I will have support with me and she will be the one going home to be super-parent on her own.
A month ago, I would have prefered to be the super-parent, at least I would have my kids with me...now I prefer to be on my own so I can go out...maybe my smitten admirer will be out (but I will be good, I even wear my ring so there is no doubt).
While I am still very sad, very much wanting to fix this; I'm not dreading things like I used to. Time goes so much faster when you have something to do besides feeling sorry for yourself.
My saying is still proving true. Patience is easy when you have something to do in the meanwhile.
As for the session with the C next week, we talked about that today. he said the same things you did, Sandi. He said the best thing I can do is sit there and just listen. He said that if he felt I needed to say something, he would ask me a question. let her lay out everything and see what she has to say.
That's fine by me. A week from today I may know more than I want to, I might have more hope, or it might all be gone...any way it goes, I'll have a good end of the day with friends.
Been reading your sitch. I know what it's like in regards to how things are progressing, with the filing coming up and all. Just remember, the process can last for some time, even after the filing process. Your wife will have to continue to push this through if this is what she wants. The filing doesn't mean it's over, although it FEELS that way.
My wife filed back in June, we had our first court date in July. Nothing since then. I even asked her to go ahead and just push this through and get it over with. She then put it in my court to proceed with the next step. She does however, continue to threaten it when she's upset.
I think you are on a good path. My prayers for you, your marriage and your family. They are worth the fight, right? Your new relationship with the Lord as well as a new you. Somehow, I think this is the most important part of what's happening.
If this is what you want, don't give up. There's going to be some really hard and confusing days ahead. Never give up on your God, your spouse or your family. Your wife and children are watching and your actions will have a great effect on the future.
I agree 100%, I want this to work, but I'm also being told, very clearly, that it isn't an option. Of course, while the words are clear, the actions don't match up. So, that leaves me some hope.
Until then, I continue to get out, have a good time, go to church, spend my time with the kids in the best way possible and use that empty time to GAL and realize that I will be okay eitherway, even if I do want to make it work as a first option.
It seems unfair that just as a few things begin to come together for you that you may get shot down with something she has been keeping a secret for years. You probably have already thought of several things it "could" be....so by thinking the worst, maybe whatever she says will either not be as bad as you've thought or you will have mentally prepared for it as best you could.
I like your plan to have support ready in the wings immediately afterwards. That was a smart idea! You are very fortunate to have good friends and an understanding boss.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Honestly, I have no idea what it is. I would find it hard to believe that it was an affair, but I bet everyone who has been there would have said that prior to knowing.
Maybe that is why she was always so sure I was having one, even though I wasn't.
Anyway, I am honestly not thinking about it too much. I talked it over with a fellow dad going through divorce who did have that problem (21 year old marriage, W had a 21 year old boyfriend!), but he also knows my W and said he doubted it was the case for me; but added that he doubted it was the case for him as well. :-)
I'm not going to over analyze it. We'll see what it is on Wed...maybe; it's her call.
Sandi, I may stumble on Wed, I may get punched in the gut and kicked in the teeth, but you know what, I will bounce back. How long it takes, I am not sure. I do know I will be okay and have my friends available to support me right afterwards as well.
I have to say though, I haven't been fair to my W in the last few years. While what she is doing may not be right, and two wrongs don't make a right, maybe it will help her to let her anger go to put me through hell. I'm not a doormat and neither is she; I'll tolerate a lot, but I do have limits...I'm just not sure what they are right now. I won't show anger (well, let's just say that depends on the revelation...an affair, okay; one of the kids isn't mine...I'll be angry). Honestly, it could be something as simple as a habit or trait she never mentioned to me that I am simply unaware bothers her.
I'm tired today. The kids are gone, at a wedding with my W and her family. I loved those sorts of events. We all got along so well and had fun. Now they are all there...and I am not.
I have stuff to keep me busy today. I went out last night...had fun, same plans tonight...but it doesn't change the fact that my family is not here. That, at least right now, everything appears to be headed toward divorce.
I was going to go over my divorce papers this weekend. When I came home Wed, the papers were gone. I emailed my W looking for them. She never replied, so I called her Thursday night. I asked her for them and she was quiet. She said "I thought I was filing alone now". I told her that I never said that, but even if she did, I would need those papers. She got upset and said that there are completly differnt papers if she files on her own. So, I said "okay, I'd like to have them, because I thought we were still filing together."
Then she said something that still confuses me. "I threw them out". What? Of course, I said nothing, I think I said "OKay, I think I have copies someplace. And I left it go.
Why would she throw out my paperwork? Maybe out of anger?
There are so many confussing things going on right now that I don't know what to think.
On top of all of this, I have been the model for GALing. I am having fun. I had a friend I haven't seen in 10 years over the other night. I had a 23 year old hit on me...this one has disaster written all over it. I go out, do fun things, charity, hanging out with friends, etc...
Yet, today, I feel empty. I don't like feeling empty.
