I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[P17]

So It doesn't matter if forgiving him seems unfair b/c he's been a jerk and so has she...YOU are being destroyed from the inside. Thus, you must forgive him and let go of this and forgiveness is NOT condonation of an A, nor does it mean it can happen again, or that you are over it, or think it was justified. But without forgiveness, you cannot move forward in your life. Without forgiveness, your h cannot return to you even if he wanted to. Without forgiveness, your children cannot be happy or at peace. Without forgiveness, you cannot be happy or at peace. IT really is not about you being right; it's about being happy.

I agree 100% with 25yearsmlc. Only a few weeks ago I was in your position (the OM moved in and the anger and hatred came through). I realised that it was destroying me as it is clearly going to destroy you.

You have to forgive your spouse. Not like I did and come out and say it to them but in your heart and your head. It's one of the most difficult things to do but when you do you will feel a tremendous amount of weight lifting from your shoulders. Your anger, pain and hurt will lift too. It won't go completely, it never ever will, but a lot of it will evaporate (for want of a better word).

I always wondered how people whose family members had been killed by terrorists could stand up and offer forgiveness to them. I'm in no way comparing my situation to theirs but I understand the sense of relief it gives THEM not the other person.

Forgiveness is about you. You owe it to yourself to do it. When you finally reach the point you can do it, you'll wonder why you hadn't before.

It's a long road you're walking down and you'll have good and bad days (today is a bad day for me, the rest of the week has been great) but remember this isn't about you anymore. It's about him. Forgive him, move on with your life and let go. That doesn't mean give up on your marriage, only you will know when to do that, it means give up holding onto him. If you love someone enough, let them go and they may come back. Holding onto him isn't going to work so there is only one other choice.

One other very valuable piece of advice I got from the DR book for people involved in A (as my W is):

Don't believe anything they say and only half of what you see.

It might sound daft, but it's great and accurate advice.

The best thing you could ever have done is come here for advice. I have learned so much in the past couple of weeks. I came here too late so it maybe too late for me but you are here at the start. Take the advice as it will stand you in really good stead.