Hi Kat, Rob, we spent the last couple of days together. I had a day off and yesterday it was a national holiday, he had a doctor's apt on Tuesday and he wanted us to go together and then came back home for lunch. He left for the newspaper and came back to sleep here. Snuggles, cuddles etc. No klissing, so sexual touching or anything. Yesterday it was a day with the kids and friends. Going out for lunch etc etc.
At night we started a discussion that didnt go so well. I am having a hard time letting go of the past. Actually the opposite happens, as time passes, I feel I have to hold on to the hurt and memories to be able to keep the distance and protect myself. I read too much but I cant say I wouldnt do it again.
stbxH said : My feelings for her died. They were slowly dying and then, when you found out, the switch flipped completely. I dont know why I did all I did. I am not back with you to "pay" for anything and I hope that's not your intention ( to make him pay back) You make me feel guilty. I didnt tell you about a call from her because I thought it would hurt/bother you
Overall, he was cruel and got excited a couple of times and he really acts as if "I should get over with it" but then says words such as "I want to make it up to you".
The truth is, I was all over the place last night. I need to talk to him but I dont know what to say, how to say it. I realised that the parts I am hurt about are the ones of 3 years ago that I recently found out and I am trying to deal with, but to him, seem like an eternity ago, it was during his crazy being in love with her that now is long gone as he says and he cant relate to my hurt because "it's old history" (not his words, mine).
He said she asked him in one of her phonecalls, how/why did he stop loving her.
He never says he loves me. He wrote it a couple of times but never tells me.
He is not patient with me. He gets defensive even when I dont blame him and I am honest when I say I dont blame him, I only state some facts such as "when you left us 2 years go". He reacts to that as if I blame him. I can see he is hurting with guilt but I cant help him with that.
He said yesterday he sees our steps as normal steps of reconciliation. I dont know. There is one part of him that showed up last night that I dont like at all. He is cruel. Trying to defend himself, he has no common sense, he wants to put everything away fast but at the same time, his steps to show his love are extremely slow.
I wish he would LISTEN TO ME, JUST LISTEN, I want for once to let all the hurt out to him, cry, complain, cry some more and I want him to listen and hold me and validate me. Anyway, got up worked up today. Checking my finances again, just in case... K
