Am I at this stage?

[Lll54]

Well. An okay day. Nothing to get excited about that's for sure. I went to my counseling session this morning while H watched the boys. When I got back he was excited that I was about 15 minutes early so he wasn't going to be late for hockey. But then he ended up procrastinating and didn't leave for half an hour! I expected him to walk out the door as soon as I walked in. Its almost like he enjoyed being there with me. We hung out in the living room and had some basic every day conversation. He kept commenting "well i should go to hockey". Like a few times. He is never late for hockey, but was definitely late today. And that's all I have heard from him. He was supposed to originally meet me at our sons preschool to take pics of his Halloween party but my husband works shift work and so I told him not to worry about it cause he is on Nights tonight and need to catch some sleep this afternoon. So thats the last I talked to him.

Things are different now. 2, 3 weeks ago we would drop off and pick up and discuss future drop off and pick ups in that time. Now when we do it he doesn't even bring up the next time he'll see the boys. I don't know if its because we are slowly getting into a routine or if its because we are communicating more?? 2,3 weeks ago, we only talked through texting. We arranged everything through text. But now he is calling. Like last night. It was basically only to discuss today's events. We could have done it through text like we have been, but he wanted to do it through conversation. I try to take it like a good sign.

Now for my question of the day. I had a meeting with my MC today and he thinks I need to sit down and talk to H about where he is at. He thinks that after friday's occurences, and wanting to spend time with me sunday, and eating here, and everything else, that my H is thinking differently than he did 2 weeks ago. Now I'm scared too! I don't want to pressure him! I feel like since I quit bringing up "relationship" stuff, he has made the turn around. MC things that that my biggest problem is the fear in me. The fear and the eggshell walk I do daily around H. He believes that if I have any chance of rebuilding my marriage I need to get over my fear of H's reactions, and answers. He thinks that I need to ask him where he is at and own up to it, and be okay with the answer good or bad. But I personally don't think H is ready to give me an answer yet. Although I do agree that its almost been a week since the breakthrough and good things have happened since. We are getting along great. He is enjoying being around me, he has missed me which HE stated, why hasn't he said anything. Why hasn't he given me anything? I hate being in limbo. So I do agree a little. But what do you think?

[TrentC]

Well. An okay day. Nothing to get excited about that's for sure. I went to my counseling session this morning while H watched the boys. When I got back he was excited that I was about 15 minutes early so he wasn't going to be late for hockey. But then he ended up procrastinating and didn't leave for half an hour! I expected him to walk out the door as soon as I walked in. Its almost like he enjoyed being there with me. We hung out in the living room and had some basic every day conversation. He kept commenting "well i should go to hockey". Like a few times. He is never late for hockey, but was definitely late today. And that's all I have heard from him.

Maybe he was hanging around to see if you would miss him. Maybe he was hanging around because he's starting to miss you. Time will tell.

2,3 weeks ago, we only talked through texting. We arranged everything through text. But now he is calling. Like last night. It was basically only to discuss today's events. We could have done it through text like we have been, but he wanted to do it through conversation. I try to take it like a good sign.

We've been saying that changing your behavior will cause his to change.

Now for my question of the day. I had a meeting with my MC today and he thinks I need to sit down and talk to H about where he is at.

I'm thinking no. You've been trying to, and he's not willing to discuss it. You should tell your MC that.

He thinks that after friday's occurences, and wanting to spend time with me sunday, and eating here, and everything else, that my H is thinking differently than he did 2 weeks ago.

He is, but the biggest mistake people make is to start to change, have their spouse react to the changes, and then go back to "normal".

He believes that if I have any chance of rebuilding my marriage I need to get over my fear of H's reactions, and answers.

This would be that "detachment" thing that silly people around here keep bringing up...

He thinks that I need to ask him where he is at and own up to it, and be okay with the answer good or bad.

I think it's too soon, but you have to decide for yourself.

We are getting along great. He is enjoying being around me, he has missed me which HE stated, why hasn't he said anything. Why hasn't he given me anything?

But he is giving you something. He's told you that he misses you. He's talking to you on the phone instead of texting you. He is apparently getting comfortable being around you again. Just because you don't want to get your hopes up doesn't mean you can't enjoy the little victories.

Someone else in another thread put it best: Our culture is so used to the idea of instant gratification and disposable marriages that the thought of someone putting real, sustained, long-term effort into rebuilding a relationship is almost alien. But that's why it works.

[Lll54]

Wow. Love that! That is so true. Its genius. Instant gratification! That is what I live for! Definitely a change that I have to make. Again let go of expectations and be okay with the outcome...."breath"...sometimes I don't do that. You're right he has given me something. I wouldn't have believed I would be where I'm at today a week ago. We ARE communicating through the phone which is such a huge step, and you're right again, Trent. I need to be happy with where I am at. And continue to take it day by day.

I forgot to mention that my MC told me today in the session that my H has made an appointment for next monday. He hasn't been in to see him since the day he "left". So of course I'm very excited because he is finally ready to open up and work on things and making that effort. MC also told me that his job is to see where H is at and that is the only way he is going to be able to help him. So he told me that whether I talk to H myself or not about where he is at, he definitely will on monday. He says that will probably be his first question. I'm petrified to know his answer. Ughh bad, I know. But I feel that H will be very open and honest with our MC, even if he hasn't been very open with me. Which he hasn't. Of course I don't expect MC to call me up immediately after the session and give me all the details, but I dunno. Why do I think this way???

[TrentC]

Wow. Love that! That is so true. Its genius. Instant gratification! That is what I live for! Definitely a change that I have to make. Again let go of expectations and be okay with the outcome...."breath"...sometimes I don't do that. You're right he has given me something. I wouldn't have believed I would be where I'm at today a week ago. We ARE communicating through the phone which is such a huge step, and you're right again, Trent. I need to be happy with where I am at. And continue to take it day by day.

It is the only way to stay sane. Another way is to have something to dump these crazy conflicted emotions onto to get them out. I suggested a journal earlier; you can use my alt email address if you want to have actual feedback.

I forgot to mention that my MC told me today in the session that my H has made an appointment for next monday. He hasn't been in to see him since the day he "left". So of course I'm very excited because he is finally ready to open up and work on things and making that effort. MC also told me that his job is to see where H is at and that is the only way he is going to be able to help him. So he told me that whether I talk to H myself or not about where he is at, he definitely will on monday. He says that will probably be his first question.

Your husband's counseling needs to be his own. Let him work this stuff out; you can't help him with this, except in the ways you are already doing it -- by working on yourself.

I'm petrified to know his answer. Ughh bad, I know. But I feel that H will be very open and honest with our MC, even if he hasn't been very open with me. Which he hasn't. Of course I don't expect MC to call me up immediately after the session and give me all the details, but I dunno. Why do I think this way???

Because you haven't quite detached yet.

What your husband tells the MC is only relevant as it pertains to his eventual decision to stay or go. You really cannot obsess over the details of his process.

[Lll54]

I have been journaling. Really not sure how much it helps me. I bought a new fancy book and everything. I write in it every night before bed. But it seems to get old after a while. I'll keep with it though. Hope things are okay for you Trent..

[TrentC]

I have been journaling. Really not sure how much it helps me. I bought a new fancy book and everything. I write in it every night before bed. But it seems to get old after a while. I'll keep with it though. Hope things are okay for you Trent..

I have good days and not-so-good days, like everyone. I need to update my journal as well...

[JAK58]

Britt,
I have been reading your thread but haven't felt the need to post until now as Trent has done a great job with advise.


Listen to Trent and PDT they have offered you great advise.

[/quote] He believes that if I have any chance of rebuilding my marriage I need to get over my fear of H's reactions, and answers. He thinks that I need to ask him where he is at and own up to it.[quote]

Help your fear diminish by creating boundries when needed.

Detaching from your H's issues and becoming your own person will help you get over the eggshell walk.

Have you gotten the DR book yet?

JAK

[Lll54]

Thanks JAK, I'm am officially leaving in one hour on my 2 1/2 hour drive to the nearest city from my home to get the book from their bookstore! Yay! So excited. I think we all know what my plans will be tonight! Read, read, read.!

About the whole boundary thing, it was a huge issue last week as he was putting me in a position where boundaries needed to be made. But its been a week and we have had minimal contact, and he hasn't put me in a position at all to set boundaries. No dropping in, no "showing up", no want for any intimacy whatsoever. I feel like we're going backwards. I was looking forward to setting some boundaries just because of the feeling that he was giving me more than he has given me in 3 weeks. But nothing. So I'm here in limbo land...trying to figure out this whole detaching thing. Hopefully the book gives me some insight.

Question: Its Halloween sat. and we have agreed to take the boys trick or treating. I have been invited to a party afterwards, should I go, or should I take the chance he may want to spend some time with me that night?

[TrentC]

Thanks JAK, I'm am officially leaving in one hour on my 2 1/2 hour drive to the nearest city from my home to get the book from their bookstore! Yay! So excited. I think we all know what my plans will be tonight! Read, read, read.!

I should make you do a book report for me...

About the whole boundary thing, it was a huge issue last week as he was putting me in a position where boundaries needed to be made. But its been a week and we have had minimal contact, and he hasn't put me in a position at all to set boundaries. No dropping in, no "showing up", no want for any intimacy whatsoever.

Setting boundaries isn't about putting the brakes on his libido. Those boundaries still need to be set regardless.

I feel like we're going backwards.

Not necessarily; he's going to swing back and forth while he tries to figure things out.

I was looking forward to setting some boundaries just because of the feeling that he was giving me more than he has given me in 3 weeks. But nothing. So I'm here in limbo land...trying to figure out this whole detaching thing. Hopefully the book gives me some insight.

I expect a 5-page report in my inbox by Monday morning.

Question: Its Halloween sat. and we have agreed to take the boys trick or treating. I have been invited to a party afterwards, should I go, or should I take the chance he may want to spend some time with me that night?

*headdesk*

You go to the party.

It's GALing, you said he's noticed the difference since you've been GALing, so why wouldn't you go?

The only way you are going to get what you want is when he initiates the R talk, and says something to the effect of "I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I want to try to work things out." Until he does something that obvious, assume that he is still thinking about leaving and live your life accordingly.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

GO!!!!