Once, a friend of mine told me the reason my kids are having a difficult time with authority and other such things is because their mother is an unrepentant adulterer and they don't know it. It's the elephant in the room no one is talking about. In some sense, the moral fabric of the universe has been violated and though the kids feel the consequences, they have been "shielded" from the reason why. This leads to great confusion and insecurity.
If we divorce, my grounds will be my wife committed adultery and she isn't one bit sorry and cannot commit to being faithful to me. Maybe I'm being too flippant, but I will feel obligated to tell the kids why we are divorcing if that happens. Divorce is a public act. We would be tearing the family apart, and I feel my kids need to know that the universe has a moral center and that, at least, one of their parents stood for the marriage. Otherwise, they will think the world is random, and the people you trust just up and leave you and stop loving each other. How do they know that one day I will won't just stop loving them?
Yes, I'm flawed too, and I caused some of the problems in our marriage. But...I remained faithful. And I don't mean to sound all pious, but that does matter, Donna. It matters in all our situations.
What do you plan to tell your kids about marriage and fidelity? Do they go to Sunday school? What happens when they get to "Do not commit adultery?"
This information sort of trickled down to your kids. And I understand there is age-appropriate information. My sense, however, is that it would be healthier for them to know what their dad did was wrong, not simply that "mom and dad can't get along". Better they learn to love people in spite of their faults than to live with vague unease that something is dreadfully wrong and no one is saying what's really going on. Why exactly don't you like your ex's girlfriend? Are you just a jealous sour-puss who randomly dislikes people? Perhaps understanding that this woman is a home-wrecker and adulterer might put things into perspective for them. As a Christian, I am called to forgive my enemies. But, then, of course, I need to name them as an enemy. Forgiveness happens when an offense has happened. The offense needs to be named.
I know you want to take the hit for your ex-husband in order to shield your children and not "poison" their relationship with their father. You are not Jesus, Donna. And if you believe in Him, I don't think He wants to you lie to your kids to protect their father.
His relationship with his girlfriend will never be OK -- in fact, it's a living, breathing, stinking lie.
Forgive me if I'm going on too much about this....the angry prophet reared his head. If I've gone too far, forgive me. I deeply get your pain.
