Need Help - Fast

[Gardener]

I did put my ring back on, trying to decide if that was a good move or not. Any input there?

There are as many reasons to leave it on or take it off as there are DBers. I took mine off first and early not out of spite but as a constant reminder of the brutal reality of my situation.

I do believe that once off, it should probably stay off. Anything else is either bowing to spouse's subtle (or not) reaction or being unattractively indecisive and wishy-washy.

I took my oldest child out to play some games and have ice cream (we have a close bond), although I am sure she has no idea what is really going on, she unloaded on me about how she and my son are treated when I am not there (screamed at, yelled at, etc.). She says she doesn't trust her own mother and asked me why I married her! I was speechless. Granted my daughter does favor the dramatics at times, but she begged me not to go to work on Monday so I could stay with her and her brother (they are homeschooled). But instead of being 100% dedicated to their schooling, that is the time my wife is spending on the phone with the OM so when the kids need her for something, she's not available and when they try to talk to her while shes on the phone, she explodes on them. My daughter has asked me repeatedly who she is talking to and all I can say is "its a friend".

Time to set some boundaries.

I think back to all the things I do for her, clean house, cook meals, do laundry, do the finances and this is what I get in return. I guess the fog is finally starting to clear. To top it off, she expects that I am going to just let her take my kids and walk out once she decides to go.

I did all the same things and then some. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It was a frightening, dead-on eye-opener for me.

As you can tell, I am conflicted. I can be so upset with her and so ready to just send her packing, then at the same time want to hang on to whatever thread is left, both for me and my kids.

All I can see is you're normal. I'd read some of Gucci's and Puppy's posts. It may be time for some boundaries re: "This will stop or you will leave"

I feel like I am going crazy. Thank you for enduring my roller coaster of emotions this morning.

You're welcome. The important thing is that you hang on and endure it. For your kids as well as yourself.

Good luck

[Desparation]

She has been seeing an IC (as she doesn't want to work on the marriage, but does want help with her "feelings" for the OM). Just found out she has an appt tomorrow and the IC wants me to attend as well. I think its more for insurance reasons, but what can I expect as far as questions? The IC has had 4 sessions with her so far where they have discussed the affect of D on the kids and so on. How much do I divulge here with the IC about my new direction? Is this possibly the platform to set the boundaries or should I let the IC do her job (she is pro-family, pro-marriage) and see if anything clicks with my wife first?

Just want to make sure I express what I need to without screwing up my 180.

[Coach]

1. - You are invited so your wife can tell you there, with a third party present, that she is leaving.

2. - You are invited to work on things. She will present her issues with you, don't get defensive, listen and validate.

Either way it doesn't change your goals, boundaries or values. Let the MC know what you think about your marriage, the behavior going on that is bad and that you are still committed on your side.

[Desparation]

I don't think its because of #1 or #2. The MC saw us both on the initial visit and it is being billed on my insurance showing me as the patient, I think to keep it legal, she has to see me occasionally.

On the last visit, ironically, she recommended to W that she read the book "Boundaries". I am not sure whose side that would help, W has always had a hard time saying no and feels the pull from the OM and his kids so maybe that is what the MC is getting at. This same counselor sent me an email recommending DR which is how I learned about this site which has changed my whole outlook.

I plan to tell the MC and W that I have finally gotten my focus right and taking care of my kids and myself are my #1 goals, regardless of what W does. They are both going to see a change in me, one W has already gotten a glimpse of. No more doormat. I want them both (MC & W) to figure out I finally grew a pair.

[Coach]

I don't think its because of #1 or #2. The MC saw us both on the initial visit and it is being billed on my insurance showing me as the patient, I think to keep it legal, she has to see me occasionally.

You aren't on a family benefit? It sounds fishy to me.

Boundaries are good for all parties. That's what I am recommending you do concerning the OM, set a boundary.

I plan to tell the MC and W that I have finally gotten my focus right and taking care of my kids and myself are my #1 goals, regardless of what W does. They are both going to see a change in me, one W has already gotten a glimpse of. No more doormat. I want them both (MC & W) to figure out I finally grew a pair.

Good

[Desparation]

Do you think I should mention during the meeting with MC that the love I feel for her is beginning to diminish or is that just going a little too far?

[Coach]

Do you think I should mention during the meeting with MC that the love I feel for her is beginning to diminish or is that just going a little too far?

No. It doesn't sound "manly" - confident, strong, decisive. It won't have the effect you want. Your wife knows she is hurting you, what she wants is a man who can take it and stand up to her bad behavior. That's love. That's attractive. That's your responsibility to your family. You can handle it.

[Desparation]

Got it.

Thanks Coach.

[nutfarmer]

Hope you got through it in one piece.

Nut

[rickrued]

HI Coach and Puppy.

Don't mean to jump on this thread but I was hoping you could tell me what happened to ndsmhelp "wish i could read her mind". His situation was almost exactly what I am going through and I was hoping to get some advice from him.