I spoke with the C to schedule our appt. and let her know that I intend to just listen and validate H. She said that our 1st appt with her will be to discuss where we are and bring up good memories of the past being together to leave with positive feelings. I already feel hopeless.
I guess I need to repeat to myself NO EXPECTATIONS, not even negative ones. But, I don't see H opening himself up to positive thoughts of me. It will be painful for me. Now that it's almost 6 mos. of S, I'm feeling either acceptance or detachment or hopelessness. I don't feel like pursuing, I don't feel like sharing what I'm doing and I don't care what he's doing because now I really believe he doesn't love me and hasn't for several years.
I'm going through the motions of scheduling this appt because he agreed to it a second time. I need to go through with it because he wants us to be able to communicate for the kids. I'm really believing now he's done and it's over.
H just replied he can't go to the C next week and it'll have to be in 2 wks. I replied, okay fine. I'll let her know.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Well, Wednesday eves (and Mon eves) are available and he said he couldn't next Wed due to an off-site meeting. I didn't offer the other day available for C because I go to my support group and he also visits the kids Mondays. I let it go although I don't like the wait. Gives me time to prepare emotionally though. If he's stalling, then even more reason to let it go. No pressure.
Like I mentioned to you Hope, I was feeling hopeless and let my negative thoughts bring me down. That is/was keeping me from being the best possible ME.
I had several emails back and forth w H today. No R talk. Our horse fell on Monday and seems he was pretty hurt. He's lame now. The vet came today and discussed treatments. It's going to be pricey. (When is anything related to horse owning inexpensive?) Thankfully, H was concerned and even wanted to know what to do. He also sent me an email "letting me know" about the whole family being renewed on his insurance for next year. Gave him thanks for taking care of that. I'm back to using words of affirmation when I can in emails since that did seem to work before. I'm being very careful in my emails not to let anything appear that I'm waiting on him, needing him, upset, resentful, pressuring etc.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Wow you are sure getting the hang of this DB stuff quickly! sounds like you know what gets a positive response from him - the affirmations, the texts, etc and you're doing it.
I'm so sorry about your horse! How long have you had him/her?
And yes, I go up and down lots. I also feel like when I'm down I'm not being the best possible me. But some days are just like that. Like you say, Day by Day. The next day can be a major turn around.
As one who almost walked away myself, I doubt your H is very anxious to go to the C. Hearing positive things about the M doesn't really help a WAS b/c it kind of makes their back bow up and they rebell even more. That's why I don't think C works unless both people are very interested in working in the MR. If he's with OW, I can't see him interested in working on his M. I didn't say that to hurt you, but it is what it is. As you said.....no expectations. However, I think you are finding that to be impossible.
Don't give up hope. I have known cases where the H lived with OW and then go back to his W, so it certainly is not impossible. His feelings for OW will wear off.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know what to do about H sending me an angry email.
This wknd is his with the kids. Halloween. He's never taken them trick-or-treating or to any events, so the kids were upset to have to spend it with him. Without me knowing, the kids made their own plans to spend the evening with their friends.
Here's what he wrote: I see now that my time with my kids is optional. There always will be a good excuse for me not to be able to see them.
Funny. I guess now I really understand why there are laws to protect Dad's rights -in exchange for Dad's commitment to supporting the family- to see them during the weekends, regardless of excuses or plans made by kids.
As I told S, this weekend my time has now been reduced to Sunday, from 12 noon to 5 pm....to acommodate their schedules. Hope D is back from her sleep over in time so I can pick her up in (town).
I had nothing to do with these plans. I wasn't home when they spoke with him and "notified" him of their plans.
Advice please? I don't want to make things worse and isn't it his responsiblity to tell them if it is okay? The kids don't want to miss out on their fun.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
Here's what I responded to H: H, this is news to me. I see how this makes you feel angry. I was not home this evening and did not know of S's plans. I just got home.
I asked in my previous email what the schedule plan with you was. D had told me about the sleepover plans, but I told her she had to ask you for permission. I knew nothing of S's plans.
Here's his reply: Thanks for the explanations but I don't buy them.
I understand they don't want to spend time with me on my new rented place. You know that. It is known to you. They told me about their plans last Sunday. I am sure they told many others.
Regardless of all this, I have my rights and I will exercise them. I am stopping relaying on your goodwill to get fair treatment.
By the way, I am being more than nice and fair in having you receive timely and reliable direct deposits from my employer every 15 days. I don't play games with what it is important to you.
I don't like his threatening comments. Do I wait to let him cool off or should I respond? HELP.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I would stay strong, like in your first reply email. Remind him that no matter what the court decides, he needs to make the plans with his kids directly, not through you. Reassure him that you will support the kids in making plans directly with him and sticking to them - BUT THAT IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY NOT YOURS to make and keep plans with the kids.
I would just say, sorry if you don't buy it but that's the truth. If he wants to fight in court, don't show you are scared of this. But remind him that the court is not going to babysit your kids and bring them to his house. HE NEEDS TO STOP BLAMING YOU. YOU DID NOT MAKE THEM NOT SEE THEIR DAD.
You may also want to remind him that the kids have a lot of painful feelings about what's going on right now between you two and that he needs to talk to them about those feelings and be open to validating them. You are not the one creating those confused feelings in the kids, so he needs to not blame you.
You can do this. BE firm and repetitive of what he needs to do - take the focus off of yourself and don't defend yourself. this is not about you.
And my father always said, When you don't know what to do, do nothing.
Thanks Hope. I slept on it and just see this as a temper tantrum from him. More control issues. Ugh.
I did reply this morning and probably will catch he!! from him for standing up for myself, but I've had enough. Hmm... similar to how you are feeling. I hope I get good results too. I just don't like him anymore. I'm shocked that D is now asking if it will be better if I find a replacement dad for her! That H is not the same person and she doesn't like spending time with him. She says he comes up short as a dad. I'm sad about this. Maybe she's just seeing his selfishness. I hope. I hope it's not what she thinks overall. The kids are angry at him.
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
I know you have had good results with keeping communications open rather than closed with your H, but for my H, I get better results when I give him space when he's having temper tantrums. I just try not to take in his hurtful words, as he often changes once he calms down.
I'll say it again - your children need to have their own feelings, and if he doesn't like their negative reaction to his attitude, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Have him talk to his kids, rather than you being in the middle.
