"Great, I like him. I'm going to keep going, but he wants to talk to you as well"
Me: "Good. Do you mean you want to keep going to him as an IC? or do you want us to go jointly as MC?"
Her: "I don't know. Do we NEED a MC at this point...?"
Me: I don't know....long pause...we have a lot of decisions to make.
Me: Speaking of decisions we need to make, we need to decide what to do about the 401K for next year. If we are getting divorced, we are going to need the cash for L's, mediators, downpayments etc, and then I am going to need the extra cash afterwards. I think we should stop the investments for next year.
Her: Yeah. That makes sense.
Me: I also think we should both start looking at apartments in the local area. We won't need one immediately, but we should know what we can get and for how much money. We each need to know that, but we need to do that for ourselves, it's not something we can do together.
Me: We should also talk to a realtor, and have them come in and talk about listing the house. We need to have it appraised, so we can estimate how much we can sell it for, etc.
her: Yeah. A lot to do.
Me: Were you happy with the mediator we talked to. Should we go back to her?
her: She seemed pretty good. We should talk to others first. She seemed a bit expensive. Do we need to go soon? I think we can wait until we are really sure.
Me: I think it is good to get started.
She looked a little sad, but a friend of hers arrived at that point, so I stopped the conversation and left.
---
then
---
A few minutes ago she knocked on my office door:
"You know that thing with the 401K? I don't think we should do that yet. I don't think we should make any changes until we talk about this some more."
---
I AM curious to know how much rental houses or apartments in the area go for. I am thinking about placing a few calls to realtors from our home phone and asking them to call me back with information.
Last edited by Thinker; 10/28/0908:41 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
"You know that thing with the 401K? I don't think we should do that yet. I don't think we should make any changes until we talk about this some more."
And that's of perfect example of why this crazy, counter-intuitive stuff works.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
"You know that thing with the 401K? I don't think we should do that yet. I don't think we should make any changes until we talk about this some more."
things that make you go Hmmmmm.....
so keep walking away, giving her space, discussing the realities
I dub thee "Dragon Jockey T."
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
We each need to know that, but we need to do that for ourselves, it's not something we can do together.
Yes. Living arrangements may snap her out of it.
Right now my W is living in our old home, which is too big for her and the girls to keep up. She wants to sell and I agree. But there's no equity in it. We'll be lucky to get out without a loss.
She's been telling the girls they'll just "buy" a smaller house nearby.
But if we divorce, she's unlikely to have any money for a down payment and there's no such thing as 100 percent financing anymore.
So she doesn't realize yet that she's likely going to have to rent -- and then what do you do with the dog, the cat, the hamsters?
It'd be interesting to be in her head when she realizes that.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Haven't posted in weeks. Nothing to say. I come on tonight, to just read... I see this.
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
Suggested that the brutal reality is that if Pleasure of Time With Kids > Pain Of Unavailable Wife, and you value TWK more that Time With Spouse, then the logical decision is: Stay for the kids.
Welcome to my world.
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
Which is a sucky choice to face.
Welcome to my sucky world.
Thinker:
You're being very brave. Congratulations for taking your own stand.
This definitely can be many spouses reasons for staying, but if the LBS can do what they need to do (Mindful, your one of them, and you'll get thru this like me too) that the WAS will realize how much they really DO love the LBS. If they ever loved you to marry you, believe me, it will/can happen. I truly believe my H didn't really love me and married me because we had a baby. But yet, he has fallen for me more now than ever. Don't give up.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
