For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Lulu,
As you know, for the last month I have been working really hard at detaching. But, the big motivator for me was seeing my BFF and her husband. He is kind, thoughtful, patient, understanding, helpful, generous, considerate, respectful, affectionate - the list goes on and on.

Before the trip, I knew he was an amazing guy. But actually staying with them for a few days and observing them - I remembered how great a marriage can be. And I sat there thinking - Wow...I've waited for over a year for a man who puts himself before anyone else, makes terrible choices, drinks, smokes and gambles too much, disrespects and deceives me, walked out on me, blamed me and ran away like a coward. Well come on...WTH? What am I doing?

I still want this marriage to work, but how much longer can I do this - especially when he puts forth NO effort.

IDK what to do. I don't want to file, but I don't want to keep living this way.

I read both DR and DB, but it's been a year ago. Honestly, I don't even remember reading about setting small goals/journaling. Guess I should pull them back out.

Set what kind of boundaries? I used to allow him to pop in whenever he wanted, but now we have a schedule. If he wants to come over on a different time, he texts me to ask about it.

He is doing things that make me think he might be paying attention and/or that he sees me GAL - some examples: I got home on Monday night. On Tuesday morning, I sent him a text asking if he could watch DD on Tues. night & Wed. night bc I had things going on. He texted back and was really surprised to hear that I had MORE things I wanted to do after just getting back.

And tonight I had a class at the hospital - I put perfume on before I left and I noticed H looked at me right before I walked out the door - a few mintues later he sent me this, "Why u gotta be smelling all pretty for work?" And when I got home, I noticed him looking at me and he said something about me having a hickey on my neck (I guess I had a red spot from scratching it or something). Also, he asked if I got a new memory card for the camera - so he must have gone through my camera and looked at the pictures from NY.

Great - maybe he is paying a little bit of attention, but is he ever going to do anything about it????? Like talk about our marriage, try MC, try moving back home?

Ahhhhhh.......