So glad to hear the change in tone in this post GIMA. Sounds like overall we both had a great day. We need to continue with these great days and keep a positive outlook.
Thanks for all you have done for me and my situation and keeping up with my posts.
I truly appreciate it.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
OK. I may not have been clear. I do not think that dropping the rope is giving up. I am not giving up. I am just truly letting go of the eventual outcome. I still prefer to create a new, better M with my W. But, if she cannot see how I have changed, and she is unwilling to work on the M, then ok. It's not what I want, but I will be ok.
So, in addition to giving up on the outcome, I think dropping the rope involves doing things not to try to obtain a response from W. Instead, I do things b/c I want to do them, for me. Tonight, I chose to initiate a discussion with her. I can see how that appears as pursuit, and maybe it is. But, I didn't do it for her to talk to me all night. I did it b/c I thought, for me, it was right. If she hadn't said another word to me all night, that would have been ok.
As far as leading, I believe I have to lead us out of limboland b/c otherwise, we will remain there. Maybe that leads us striaght to D, or maybe not. Don't know. Just know the M is dying a slow death in limboland. And it's not doing me any favors either.
I am not sure I understand the question about making choices. I can tell you that, yes, there was an element of my GAL'ing that was to try to lure her back. But not anymore. It's solely for me. To build my confidence. To help me realize there is a world full of beautiful, intelligent women out there if I end up back on the dating scene. And, not, I am not suggesting I am going to fool around while I'm M'd - I'm not. While I'm M'd, that's not permitted.
As for getting away for a few days, I was talking about getting to have some time for me if I end up D'd. I would do that before jumping into the dating pool.
I have to admit, I may not be on the right track with my understanding of dropping the rope. I have had a difficult time distinguishing it from detaching. Please let me know if I have that correct or not.
Thanks Sandi. Your advice is always appreciated and welcome.
So glad to hear the change in tone in this post GIMA. Sounds like overall we both had a great day. We need to continue with these great days and keep a positive outlook.
Thanks for all you have done for me and my situation and keeping up with my posts.
I truly appreciate it.
We are all here to help each other.
Take a look at C-Bart's thread and the discussion today about cognitive dissonance and cognitive distortion. Really interesting stuff.
What is most interesting about reading that thread is seeing how comments that my W makes fits so well into that situation. A comment last night along the lines of so we should basically start our relationship all over again. I answered her with a yes because unless we can forgive and forget there are always going to be negative issues from the past that keep coming up.
I am not guilt free but the majority of the negative issues from the past are brought up by her. She just can't let them go or doesn't want to forgive/forget. It is interesting because she either starts a new relationship with me (the father of her children) or she has to do it anyway with someone else.
Maybe I am not getting the whole concept and should got to Wikipedia to brush up more. But I feel she is in the cycle of black/white and round and round.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
So scary. I see both my W and myself in some of what is written on cognitive distortion. Time to work on changing my thoughts.
This realization is what hit me yesterday. If I change my thought that I will be alone or lonely the rest of my life (which is unreasonable) to I will be happy, then the emotions fall in line. So that was the part for ME.
For my W, I see what you probably saw in your's. My W has used statements such as "people can't change" and "my feelings towards you will never, ever change." Both very absolute and negative terms. I realize she really believes these thoughts. Which is why she does not want me or our M. The problem we can see is that her thoughts are not reasonable. I'm not suggesting she has no reason to feel the way she does. She does. I am not innocent here.
Now, "I" am not the same "ME" towards whom she has those negative thoughts and emotions. That old "ME" is gone and isn't coming back no matter what happens with my M. But, so long as she believes those absolute statements, she is not likely to want to work on our M.
So the point of my last rambling is I work on "paralell paths" as Coach says. I prepare for the possibility (probability?) I will be D'd. At the same time, however, I continue to DB by showing love and compassion towards my W and GAL'ing and all the other things we do. And I don't get upset over what she says/does b/c I have no control over that.
Hi everyone, I have been catching up on this thread and a few others and I just wanted to thank you all for being so open and sharing what you are going through. I am on that same rollercoaster and it really helps to know I am not going crazy. The nuggets of wisdom are great and have helped me pick myself up and focus on moving in the right direction and with the correct attitude.
Me 35 W 37 M 10rd Seperated 5-23-09 Back in house 8-27-09 Looming seperation again 10-26 Kids: S8, D7
Hi everyone, I have been catching up on this thread and a few others and I just wanted to thank you all for being so open and sharing what you are going through. I am on that same rollercoaster and it really helps to know I am not going crazy. The nuggets of wisdom are great and have helped me pick myself up and focus on moving in the right direction and with the correct attitude.
Me 35 W 37 M 10rd Seperated 5-23-09 Back in house 8-27-09 Looming seperation again 10-26 Kids: S8, D7
That's what this place is for.
What have you done as far as reading DB or DR, etc. so far?
