Kat - engaged?! gag. But I am glad that you can't see him around in your future, so I guess it really doesn't matter in the long run, does it? Do I see my x in my future? I guess the only sticking point is about the kids - milestones, ceremonies, hopefully grandchildren someday. I puke a little thinking that gf will probably be at these things, too. However, no one can see into the future, so I just have to drop it - worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. It does put a damper on other family gatherings, namely his family's. Just as I was feeling strong enough to think about stopping by at Thanksgiving, he has also grown bold enough to include his gf. I'm not going to put myself (or anyone else) in that situation. So, I've closed the door on that old part of my life, as well. It was hard, but not terrible (I guess every loss pales in comparison to what I've already been through). I'll have to forge new traditions with my family (who are scattered a bit), my kids and my friends.
I have already had to be around her - the two of them showed up at one of my son's BMX meets over the summer. They stayed far away, but it pissed me off (and I think I said as much to him soon after). My D10 and hers are both in the same grade / school, so they show up "as a family" while I'm usually on my own to watch my D sing in choir, etc. These are the times that I need to go numb, just not give a sh!t - and I'm still finding it hard. My sis pointed out that it is pretty selfish, that I have to put my kids first. I'm trying. Maybe I am trying to hard to "fast-forward..."
Kerry - SBT, like the stop-sign? What other techniques? Maybe I need a refresher. I've thought about hypnosis...hey, what could it hurt, right?
wii - I do place part of the blame on gf - remember, we knew each other for a dozen years, she let me cry on her shoulder and offered to help me save my marriage, all while she was already having sex with x. Not all the blame, anymore. But a good half. They were both slimy.
dday - x doesn't care if I want to tear her apart - guess I was never scary enough. I should "just be over it." Matter of fact, he has pointed to any anger I have with her as evidence of what a terrible person I am.
Karen - I think you might be onto something, pointing out that the people who have rejected me might be pretty flawed, themselves. Seemed that everyone in my early years were only reinforcing the message I was getting at home, when in probably reality, I was just over-sensitive and young / inexperienced. I hope that's the case, but I am looking at ways to improve, anyway - can't hurt. Taking off the rose-colored glasses....most of the time, I see the man x is today. But in weak moments, my mind starts to play tricks on me and brings the good things to the surface, obliterating the recent turn. I go back and re-read the reality paper I wrote often, which helps.
Theo - thanks...there is a lot of reality in what you wrote. I can only imagine what might have happened if my father was still alive. I may be pushing time along a little too quickly. About #3, the kids bearing the burden - that sucks, and I want to do everything in my power to limit it. Yes, I can point to how x didn't care, but that doesn't let me off the hook - just more important that I get my sh!t together that much more quickly. Thank you for the compliments, too - I hope that I am those things (I find it very hard to know how people perceive me, now). I do know that my lack of proper boundaries led me to have some unwittingly selfish behaviors, and I have pretty much corrected that over this time - I am amazed at all I can do with no help or "company" from anyone else! I've left behind the Princess... I am working on understanding and studying about God's love. Like you said, that may take a lifetime to grasp and accept. I am, at heart, a questioner.
Talks with the kids - the original, "We are separating and dad is moving out" talk was done all together and didn't get into why beyond us not getting along like we should. X screwed up soon after, though, and started lying to the kids when he wanted to have gf around right away. My S asked about it, and I told him. D has gotten the gist of things over the 2 years we're apart...she asked me once why I don't like gf, and I just said that she did something that I didn't think was right, and we're not friends, anymore.
Hoosier - I hope that D10 will talk to me as more of this comes into her awareness. I just don't want her to feel torn apart. I remember when she needed surgery as a baby - I would have done anything to trade places with her to keep her from the pain, but I couldn't. I could only love her and comfort her while she healed.
Michelle - time...wish I had distance, too. Just have to find a way to deal.
