Looking For Help

[Lotus]

She may not have walked in there with an open mind and a willing heart, but it sounds like she left with one. Now you need to keep your mind open and your heart willing. It is a challenge.

[givingitmyall]

My hopelessness still rates a 9 out of 10, but it's down from 10 out of 10 prior to the Retrouvaille weekend.

How many of us here could say the exact same thing? Know I could.

Keep hanging in there. I see hope. And, I think it's always bleakest before there is improvement.

[Looking_For_Help]

I haven’t posted in about a week because not very much has been happening lately. Here are some of the highlights from last week:

My W and I attended our first Retrouvaille post session yesterday. It went pretty well. One of the peer counselors mentioned to me that he saw very good body language between me and my W. We both laughed and joked throughout the session. I must say that I love it when my W laughs at my dry humor.
My W thanked me last night for attending the Retrouvaille post session with her. She appears committed to the post-sessions even though she’s going to miss two of them due to work conflicts.

I pressed my W a bit about where she thought all of this Retrouvaille stuff was taking us. She still appears to be uncommitted to saving our marriage. She mentioned that she’s still uncertain on whether or not she wants to remain married or to be divorced. I said that I understood and that we didn’t have to go to the post sessions anymore if she didn’t feel like it and that I was o.k. with divorce if that’s what she wanted. While looking at the ground she then stated “we can’t divorce just yet because we just need to learn how to communicate better with each other before we can work on the other things.”

She’s out of town today and tomorrow, but she did purchase freshly pre-prepared dinners for me from the Fresh Market. The peer counselor from Retrouvaille mentioned that a woman who didn’t love her husband and wanted a divorce would not be buying any dinners.

The Retrouvaille counselor, from his perspective, believes we are making positive strides in repairing our marriage, even though it doesn’t feel like it to me. He told me to be patient…time is on my side… let the program work for me.

Even though I’ve seen many positive improvements in my W since Retrouvaille, she still has a tendency to be cold and negative. For example, I still initiate the “good-byes, good nights, how’s your day” kind of stuff. She doesn’t like to converse with me on topics other than the kids when we’re at home. She opens up at Retrouvaille, but not at home. I guess the reality of home-life…kids, careers, etc…takes away from our time together.

I guess my impatience is my enemy now. Any suggestions, words of encouragment, or advice?

Thanks,
LFH

[Gardener]

Looking,

I must say that I love it when my W laughs at my dry humor.

Have you told her so? Thanked her?

She’s out of town today and tomorrow, but she did purchase freshly pre-prepared dinners for me from the Fresh Market. The peer counselor from Retrouvaille mentioned that a woman who didn’t love her husband and wanted a divorce would not be buying any dinners.

That's for sure. Good sign. Thoughtfulness.

He told me to be patient

Of course.

Even though I’ve seen many positive improvements in my W since Retrouvaille, she still has a tendency to be cold and negative. For example, I still initiate the “good-byes, good nights, how’s your day” kind of stuff. She doesn’t like to converse with me on topics other than the kids when we’re at home. She opens up at Retrouvaille, but not at home. I guess the reality of home-life…kids, careers, etc…takes away from our time together.

Wait a minnit! This is not patient. This is a "yeah, but..." that will get you nowhere. Want to know what I read you saying here? "Even though wife is good, she is still bad. Here, let me prove it to you with these examples. See? Poor me." Accept who she is and her limitations and fears (you want her to accept yours, don't you?). With leadership, you might nudge her in those directions by example over time. Then again, maybe not. Certainly doesn't sound like a deal breaker, friend. Frankly, it sounds like whining, which we all know is unattractive to our women at the very least.

Good luck and continued baby steps in the right direction.

[Looking_For_Help]

Thank you Gardener for your reply and for putting things into perspective for me. I should be happy with what my W has to offer at this time. There have been obvious improvements in our situation since Retrouvaille...not as much as I would like after six months of DBing, but nonetheless definite improvement. I know that this is not going to be on my timeline, but it frustrates the heck out me. My needs haven't been met years (and no I'm not whining...it's just fact). There are definitely times when I'm ready to be the WAS...and then there are times when I desperately want my W back in my arms.

Kind Regards,
LFH

[Gardener]

There are definitely times when I'm ready to be the WAS...and then there are times when I desperately want my W back in my arms.

Yep. I feel the exact same way - often. Sucks.
Good luck.

[Lotus]

LFH,

Stick with the program. You are doing fine. It is baby steps, but if they go in the right direction, you get somewhere!

We had a couple who had work conflicts with the Post sessions. The wife went every week with a video camera and videotaped the sessions. Then they watched them at night at home and did the exercises. She said she got more out of it by seeing the sessions twice.

Don't let the negative voice in your head get too loud. Keep your eyes on the positive, and start doing some of the recommended changes.

[sandi2]

LFH, just my thoughts but it seems to me that the weekend of the retreat was you spot on the calendar to either proceed with the M or call it quits. I thought of Orich a lot reading your posts....except your posts did not have the desparation sound to the degree as Orich, but I think it was due to different personalities. I expected your W to have resistance b/c I think the retreat was her LRT where she could say, "I went to Ret. and it still didn't work out". I suppose it would be very hard for the LBS not to put so much hope into one weekend. Even though you knew that there were post sessions, I think maybe you had mentally dismissed it in a way b/c of your W's presistance of no post sessions. So, anyway, I think there was extreme pressure for both of you.

She opens up at Retrouvaille, but not at home.

I believe it is b/c at Ret. she sees the sessions monitored by counselors and she may feel more "safe" emotionally b/c of them being in control.......IDK.

By what you've told us, she sounds much more willing to at least "stay" in the M now than she was before. She has to be willing to stay before she can be willing to work.....IMHO. I see that as the first step of reconciling. I do see you putting pressure on her by taking her temp. and trying to see how she feels or if she plans to D or not. I think that is not good and I hope you can stop yourself from doing that. Maybe that is part of the discussions in the post sessions.....IDK b/c I've not been, but I would think that would not be good.

You two seem to be on a see-saw and I hope you feel a lot better soon. At least the post sessions are giving you some tools and maybe you won't be at a stand-still.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi,

Thank you for your reply. Are things going well with you? I haven’t seen you post on this board in quite a while. I hope all is well.

Yes, it seems that I’m taking the temperature of the relationship. This is because I’m getting EXTREMELY close to filing for divorce. I don’t want to do it, but my hopelessness is getting the better of me. So I’m looking for something, anything, I can hold onto to get me through this period. While my W is still deciding what she wants after eight months of limbo, I’m definitely on the fast track of becoming a WAS myself. The words of encouragement from our Retro peer counselor definitely helps me on the patience aspect, but my patience is very low right now at time when it really needs to be at its strongest.

Thanks,
LFH

[sandi2]

It might help if you talked with a DB coach. I've read several posts from members who were very encouraged after talking with one.