Young couple in need of help

[robx]

consider how she is talking to you and treating you a test,
she is testing you, subconsciously at any rate but she is testing you, do you notice how her moods change: one time she's texting you about how your little one is walking, the next time she is asking you somewhat nicely if you can watch the kids and then another time she is swearing at you like a crazy person threatening you?

Testing you.

Now you know, every time she is on the phone with you or talking to you in person, she is testing you, look it up if you don't believe me, it's a regular thing that occurs. She is testing you, so you know this now, just smile whenever it happens, both internally & externally, you have no reason why you can't pass these tests now, they're no longer secret, she is seeing how strong you are and you are going to show her that you can handle her and any situation she tries to throw at you like a strong man can.

[sumguy27]

Steve she only threats when she doesn't get her way. She knows I'm a good dad and I will do anything for my kids. So in a sense she is using them as pawns to get what she wants. I was scared that one time but I'm not scared of her anymore of these threats.

Yes Rob I now see that she is testing me. I've gotten detached enough and have more control of my emotions now. I have been very calm since the last couple times my wife and I had talked. I think she is acting like my son when I don't let him have his way.

I also have noticed the less I don't contact her the more she contacts me. The more I have pulled away the more she has pulled towards me. Yes she may be angry or even hate me at this moment, but I think she has to learn that this is what she wants.

I'm kind of done pointing things out to her because its like I'm repeating myself over and over again. And like what others have said I can't hammer it into her brain. She knows it but to me seems like she chooses not to acknowledge it. Reality is hitting her hard now. I'm just sitting on the side lines watching and waiting.

[sumguy27]

Haven't talked with the wife since sunday morning. Today I get a private number call. Its from her work place. I have never had a private number call that wasn't from her work place. I didn't pick up.

[sumguy27]

So I texted her today to see if she had gotten my kiddos Haloween costumes. She texted back she has been broke for the past couple of weeks and doesn't have any money. I said fine I will purchase the costumes for them.

I get a call later on from her asking when I'm going to drop them off. I told her either later on today or tomorrow. She then asks me again if she can drop of the kids to me tonight. I said no I'm going to be busy. We then talked about the medical bills.

She asked if I was going to take the kids out trick or treating. I said well how about we both take them out? She fired off right away saying no its either me or you. I then said will if you were already planning on taking them you can take them.

So after about a hour I get a text:

hey I'll make a deal wid u...if we both take them out 4 Halloween u take them home that nite? How bout that? Cuz by the time we're done it'll be late like 9ish to 10ish right?

I didn't respond yet. I do want to take this offer but I don't know. I mean does it mean I'm falling for a trap? Geez so confused. I just want to spend time with them but don't want to walk backwards on my hard work.

[MrBond]

I would just tell her that since she didn't respond earlier to you, that you already made plans after trick or treating. You should definitely go trick-or-treating with them because you are buying the costumes. They wouldn't be going anywhere if it wasn't for you.

Afterwards, kiss your kids goodbye and go your own merry way. I can't believe how much your W treats your kids like property.

[ClingingToHope]

hey I'll make a deal wid u...if we both take them out 4 Halloween u take them home that nite? How bout that? Cuz by the time we're done it'll be late like 9ish to 10ish right?

Sounds to me like she found something to do and wants to pawn the kids off.

That happened to me on July 4. It was my first BIG holiday out of the house and I was feeling down. W offers to let me have the kids for the day.

I was grateful and we had a great day. Then later I needed something for the kids and tried to call -- no answer. Swung by. She's not there.

She's been pulling that consistently. Offering me "extra" nights. They always coincide with her having plans.

For Thanksgiving, she's saying I can have them. Which is fine, accept I'm going to tell her I'm going to Chicago Wednesday night and I'll pick them up in the morning.

Wednesday is normally my night but since I'll have them Thursday.

Hate to play games with the girls but also have to set some boundaries.

[sumguy27]

I know its a bribe. I was going to respond" I'm sorry, I only want to spend time with you and the kids only if you wanted to spend time with us as a family. If you don't even want me around you and have a different agenda to why you want me to have them so bad, then its best that I miss out on this year and wait for the kids sunday. I don't want to come if your just going to use me."


I know she is still emotionally attached. There is no doubt about that. Even though I texted her first I was very short answered with her. She had called me to talk about the kids.After the text and later on that night saying my son wants to see a picture of his costume. And to me it seems like she was trying to hang on longer to our conversation on the phone. But, you never know. I know your not suppose to mind read, but I have this feeling of 50 percent she is coming around soon, and the other 50 percent is she is not. It has gone up from my dreaded 10 percent she might come back when I started all of this. Or I have a feeling she is waiting for this Vegas trip to be done and over with and throw the towel in and say ok let's fix this?

And oh joy she finally joined Facebook. Geez. It might not seem like a big deal to others but I was doing good because she canceled her myspace page because I snopped. So I didn't have to hear or see about her online for a month.

I got to go to sleep and get more deteached. GRRR!

[sumguy27]

Our conversation this morning:

W:Hey bring their costume with u and I'll come pick it up after work and also can you buy some daipers for her because I don't have any money and she is almost out and I don't get paid till friday

M:Tristans costume is not done yet. I will drop them off tomorrow. And you don't have any money at all? Which friday this friday or next friday?

w:2morrow I get paid so are we talking them trick or treating? You never answered my text from yesterday?

m:W, I definitly want to take our kids together with you to go trick or treating, but I only want to go knowing you want me there. At first you said no and then you said lets make a deal. The deal is temping but I only want to come along knowing u want me there with you. Not so you can pawn me the kids that night so you can go do whatever.

w:No its fine we can take them and then you'll just have them for the night so I don't have to bring them back tomorrow morning.

M:So you want me to spend time with you and the kids then?

w:No with the kids not me, I just want us to be there for the kids and that's it. Not because I want you to spend time with me


I didn't respond after that. I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Is this a good thing or bad thing? way confused.

[TrentC]

w:2morrow I get paid so are we talking them trick or treating? You never answered my text from yesterday?

m:W, I definitly want to take our kids together with you to go trick or treating, but I only want to go knowing you want me there. At first you said no and then you said lets make a deal. The deal is temping but I only want to come along knowing u want me there with you. Not so you can pawn me the kids that night so you can go do whatever.

w:No its fine we can take them and then you'll just have them for the night so I don't have to bring them back tomorrow morning.

M:So you want me to spend time with you and the kids then?

w:No with the kids not me, I just want us to be there for the kids and that's it. Not because I want you to spend time with me

*throws a flag on the play*

There's no point in asking her if she wants you there. She doesn't. When she does, she'll tell you.

She needs to learn that her life is going to get more complicated as a divorced parent, and that you aren't a free babysitter. A good way to handle it would have been...

W: "are we talking them trick or treating? You never answered my text from yesterday?"

You: "It was supposed to be your night to have them, so I made plans to go out."

W: "You don't want to go trick-or-treating with the kids?"

You: "It's not that; you need to have quality time alone with the kids as well. Have fun, and I'll pick them up [insert time here]."

W: "Something came up and I wasn't planning to come home until late. Can't you help?"

You: "Sure, I know a good babysitter. Here's her number; she charges $20 a night..."

I didn't respond after that. I feel like I'm doing something wrong? Is this a good thing or bad thing? way confused.

At this point, any attempt to "take her temperature" is going to result in resistance. That last response -- "I just want us to be there for the kids and that's it. Not because I want you to spend time with me." is going to be par for the course.

Just deal with her inasmuch as you need to for the kids.

[sumguy27]

Yeah I knew I was kind of fishing for a answer that yes she does want me around. I just responded I will let her know by tomorrow. I'll wait till my IC to give a answer yes or no. (I have IC every friday after work)