WAW + MLC + Male BFF + "Just Friends" = Fed Up

[Heartbroken20]

So after starting a couple different threads (newbie error) I've decided to return to my original thread so as to stop confusing everyone.

Well it looks like my W's constant dependence on her EA may be starting to wain somewhat. I've stopped monitoring her phone/email so much because it was driving me crazy although it definitely allowed me to see through her smokescreen and get a better handle on when she's lying to me (like MOST of the time). But I also know her heart hasn't come back to me. She may now understand she will never have the relationship she wanted with EA/OM, but therefore she doesn't want ANY relationship right now.

We went to a Harville Hendrix seminar about a month ago and although she went, she really wasn't into it. She said because some couples "fell back in love" during the weekend and she didn't, it means we just need to go ahead and divorce. "Why delay the inevitable?"

Harville's position is that you will ALWAYS be unconciously attracted to the same type of person so it's a waste of time to divorce and think you will find someone "better". You won't. You'll find someone slightly different, but with a whole new set of issues it will take you years to adapt to. His theory is that in your marriage, you have the opportunity to help each other heal each other's emotional wounds. Unless they are healed, you will inevitably e drawn right back to a relationship that will eventually have the same types of problems you have in your current one.

Not sure if he's right on all points but do believe that it's better to work with what you have than to go through all the pain and struggle of breaking up a family and then have to start the process all over again with someone new with no assurance you will be happier in the end.

Anyway, she wants to start the D process (through Collaborative Law) as soon as possible so since I don't want my D13 & D16 to feel I've betrayed them (there's enough betrayal around here already) I think they deserve to know what she has decided and that it is not what I want for all of us.

We plan to tell the girls this weekend using the approach Coach took with Greek and that is to let her explain herself and her reasons for her decision and will step in and correct her immediately if she tries to make it look like a "we" decision. Will wait, then at the end, ask if they have any questions for me. We'll see what happens.