Help! I am desperately trying to save my marriage and family. I am blessed that I found this site and hope to learn anything to win my wife back. She is a WAW. I read on one of MWD’s writings regarding 2/3 of divorce is due to a WAW. I have the typical WAW story where there was a complete breakdown of communication, angry outbursts, silent treatments, constant arguing, etc. I was unable to clue in to what my wife was trying to say for the last few years. I heard the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and I took that to mean she still loved me. When she did drop the bomb, I was devastated. I didn’t know what hit me. At first, I accepted all the blame for the failure. She did reassure me that it took both to damage the R. She is an intelligent and honest woman, I just had a difficult time handling her increasing control issues. She is 39 and I’m suspecting MLC. She has her own business the last few years which makes her even more bossy. I’m not the doormat type, and tried to give-and-take, but the last two years we were constantly arguing. We went to counseling a year ago and she said that it worked. Then last February I had a stroke due to an irregular heartbeat. We both thanked God that I had a full recovery. But after my recovery, I had panic attacks that made me frustrated because I felt she didn’t understand what I was going through, not realizing she wasn’t there for me because she already had ‘checked out’. She left July 17 but has not filed for D. I have been reading books in saving marriages and eager to learn more. I need to learn to detach, but I struggle from getting emotional. I think she sees through the niceness and is cynical regarding the changes I am trying to show her. She does want us to talk for a few minutes each day just to discuss our S5. Also, we try to have an outing for our S5 about once a month. I need advice on how I should be when I am with her. We’re approaching nine year anniversary and wonder if it’s a good idea to give her a nice little gift. Any insights and words of wisdom will be appreciated. I will be buying and studying DR soon. ---------------------- ---------------------- Me-46 W-39 M-9, T-13 S5 B 07/17/09
Today on the phone, W was frustrated that she needed to discipline S5 last night. S5 was just not listening and doing what he was told. Then she accused me of being soft and not disciplining S5 better. I was agreeable, but then I proceeded to relate to her that I have been trying to displine S5 tougher and that I had some positive results the other night. S5 actually cleaned the mess he had created. But, somehow W stated that I didn't follow through with banning him to his room when I threatened him. She does this all the time-poking holes at my efforts without taking into account the results. I know I should just take it. Perhaps I should just agree and not express too much information.
Perhaps I should just agree and not express too much information.
Validate what she said then move on - Don't add to it...If she is attacking your parenting, walk away without adding to the conversation...
With that said - Welcome to the place where none of us want to be...1st get the book DB - 2nd - Do a 180 - 3rd GAL...
Keep posting here because the people here care, have been where you are right now and they know what they are talking about.
I just had my anniversary the beginning of this month - I was told no gifts so I didn't get H anything, not even a card...He did acknowledge it the next day and I responded accordingly however I didn't initiate anything.
Let me give you one of the best pieces of advice I have received thus far -
Don't read into anything she says or does...
Please memorize that and repeat it to yourself as often as necessary - It will help keep your sanity (trust me on this).
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Thanks Kimmie/Serenity. I feel I will greatly benefit through this site and hopefully contribute.
Before our split, we had a somewhat soft disciplinary way with our S5. But since then, when he is with me, I have been more stern and did things the way I wanted to. Before, W would want to do it her way. Now, S5 does what I tell him as much as any S5 would listen. W complains more regarding discipline. The bottom line is, we both love our S5 tremendously and I hope that this common bond we have will give me the opportunity to win her back.
"Don't read into anything she says or does..." is really comforting. Since she left, she's done nothing or said anything that would give me even the slightest ray of hope. I must admit, the first 2 months my self esteem was at its lowest point. My self confidence was really low. Now, I'm slowly buiding it up. Before, I was a typical guy who thought I could solve things. W wanted to go to MC years ago and I always told her we were OK and we can work it out. I never confided any marital issues with friends or family. Perhaps if I told my best friend that W wanted to see a MC, he would have told me that that was my wake up call. Ever since she walked away, I have confided in family and friends. I never knew that deep personal issues would bring friends closer if you would just confide in them. I now know the value of good communication.
I believe both our problems may stem from lack of previous relationships. We both agreed that if we had more that 1 or 2 meaningful relationships prior to getting married, we would have learned how to communicate and relate to each other better.
I have a 6 year old so I can relate with what you are saying...
However don't place hope in that common bond...
Place hope in becoming a better man for you and your son so that if your marriage doesn't work, you are in a better place...
As far as she is concerned, believe none of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see. That took me a couple of months to get through my head so hopefully you will see the light quicker then I did...
Is there a OM involved? Usually (I have noticed), ILYBINILWY is followed by a EA or a PA...
You are in the right place and I won't lie and say it is easy because it isn't - This may be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life and there will be days that you want to throw in the towel so please be prepared...
If you are unsure of a reaction you are having, post here before you do anything...Someone is always here and someone will always help
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Believe me Seren, this is harder than recovery from a stroke. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
In my first post, I stated that my W is honest. This is one thing I admire about her. I even asked her not too long ago if there was someone else. She angrily said 'You know me by now. You know I don't do those things. I honor my vows!'. I believe her, although I thought to myself that if she believed in our vows she wouldn't be doing this to us. My friends wonder if there is an OM because she goes out of town frequently for conferences. Maybe I'm naive because I'm the trusting type and unless I see otherwise, I will continue to count on her honesty because she hasn't shown me otherwise since we met.
In my first post, I stated that my W is honest. This is one thing I admire about her. I even asked her not too long ago if there was someone else. She angrily said 'You know me by now. You know I don't do those things. I honor my vows!'. I believe her, although I thought to myself that if she believed in our vows she wouldn't be doing this to us. My friends wonder if there is an OM because she goes out of town frequently for conferences. Maybe I'm naive because I'm the trusting type and unless I see otherwise, I will continue to count on her honesty because she hasn't shown me otherwise since we met.
You're not naive: you have every reason to expect that your spouse will honor your marriage vows. The trick is to not live in denial if you find proof. And finding proof is the only way you will be able to confront her about it and get an honest response.
I'm not saying that your wife is lying to you, but she has absolutely no reason to be honest with you if you ask something like that. First rule: Cheaters lie.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
