Question

[awest1217]

S was up at 1 am with a fever of 101 and wheezing a little when he breathes in deep. When he coughs it is definitely in his chest. Did not go back to sleep until 3 am. Staying home and going to the doctor again...

Called H at 1:30am when S was worst to ask what I should do (more like go straight to emergency room because did not want me to hold him). H said put vicks on him and give him motrin, the second i had already done. He sounded sad to not be able to help more, his choice, but I hung up quickly because S was crying.

[awest1217]

S just still has a raging ear infection and the croop. He had antibiotic shots yesterday and will be on another antibiotic and steroids for the croop which make him hyper. We will be going to see the ear nose and throat doctor in two weeks.

H took S to his doctor's appointment this morning and I was really mean. I am just still so angry at him. I know I shouldn't be that way, but I can't help it. I told him that I am just still so angry. He went to a counselor last night who said it is good for him to not be living at home because he is codependent on me and needs to learn to be independent. I am ok with becoming independent because he will then actually make decisions and be a man, but after all we have been through is it really good for him to continue to be gone. I finally told H this morning I regret everything in our relationship and I should have broke up with him forever ago and should not have married him when I got a letter from an anonymous girl saying how he loved her and not me (two days before the wedding, but we still got married). I said the only good thing about us is S. I know I should not have said those things, but I really do feel that way. I am so tired of holding us together.

I am mad that he wasted 6 months doing whatever he wanted while I was penny pinching. I think what I am most hurt about and mad about is that I cannot trust him at all, especially while he is at the other house. He said he told his counselor first thing that he wants to get better because he wants our marriage to work... I just don't know if it is too late for me. That is why he told me he left in the first place. To become more "independent" and he didn't so why should I believe him now. Also right before he left this last time I read and e-mail he wrote to OW where he sent her a link to how 93% of second marriages are happier than first and that "I love you". Then she wrote back saying the article still said they end up in divorce and that right now she liked where they were and ended with "ily". He sent that while he was at home with me and saying "he wanted us to work". If you want us to work why are you telling another woman you love her when you haven't told me since beginning of August?

I just don't know. I really am mad, but I still love him and want us to work, but in order to gain my trust and respect back it will be a lot of work, and I don't think H is strong enough to do it, plus he doesn't want to let OW go at all. Finally, I don't know what all I should tell him. I am thinking about writing him a letter where I explain I am mad not mostly because he left but because of the e-mail and that I don't have any trust in him at all while he is at the other house. The longer he is there the worse it gets because I don't believe at all he is doing anything for us. Just for him so he can have a better marriage with OW. I know I am assuming here, but shouldn't he try to gain my trust back and do something? I know one person can change a marriage, but I don't know if I can be that person anymore.

[ClingingToHope]

I guess what makes me most mad is on numerous occasions he said that if OW needs him he will be there in a heartbeat and he would "do that for any of his friends", but whenever i call because S is sick or I need help, he is "sick" or "didn't get the text or call" or "phone was not near the me". He says he won't tell OW to not text him because she needs him, but what about me?

It's got to be tough because you are hearing some good things from him and then this OW stuff. Have you talked to your L lately? What's his take?

[Lucky11too]

That is extrememly hurtful with OW. I can completely see why you are mad. I know DB says to try other modes of communication, so maybe writing a letter would not be a bad idea. But just make sure to not give him your first draft. Like today, write down everything you feel you want to say to him. Tomorrow, re-read it and see if it is still what you really want to say. Edit some things. Editing like this a couple of times should help you weed out some of the things that you are saying just to be hurtful to him and get down to your true deep emotions and concerns. As you edit, just try to follow DB principles too and not attack him. Writing things down should help you feel better too by getting it all out, plus hopefully, you'll have a letter at the end that you feel comfortable with giving to H.

So sorry to hear how sick S is. Glad to hear H is helping you out some with that though, so you don't have to go thru it completely alone.

If S is feeling up to it, I was trying to think of some inside activities that are fun, that you could do with S this weekend. Do you have any childrens museums nearby and maybe one of those indoor play centers (I've seen ones that are filled with balls or bounce houses). That's the problem with late fall/winter though - it's just too cold to do all the wonderful outdoor things. Boo.

[awest1217]

After venting, I feel a lot better. I am not going to give him a letter because it wouldn't get to my goal. After some thinking, I think mostly I feel very insecure. I have never felt safe in our relationship. He has always brought up how he didn't want to go out with me, but some of my friends "made him" (this was said a lot when we were dating, engaged, and married). Whenever it came up, I would say then go find someone else since you don't want to be with me and he never did because as his counselor says "he was codependent". I have never felt like has had my best interests at heart.

I think I am just going to go to the stance I had before. I am really going to try to stop calling him. Now that my family knows what is going on, I can call them instead of him. I told him the ball is in his court about this weekend, but I am not going to invite him. I need to feel like he is really in this. He needs to start doing things to show he wants us to stay together. I need him to say he is sorry, invite me to do things, send me messages just because, call me, come over to take care of me (especially since I am exhausted) without me asking, he needs to be a husband. He needs to do all the things he does with OW. Until he starts to do those I will not feel safe, and I will not trust him. The trust will not come from me "checking up" on him because that just belittles him and gives me control. He needs to show me I can trust him through his actions. I need to see the actions. I can always tell when he is cheating because of the way he acts, now I have to trust myself that I will see a difference in his actions, and stop listening to his words because they mean nothing without the action. The proof that he wants to stay together will be how he treats me. He says he is showing he wants to be together by getting help, but that does nothign for us. I am glad it is helping him, but our relationship and trust is gone. It has to start building back up now, or I don't think it ever will be because it will just be dug deeper and deeper the other way.

Thank you for the suggestions for the weekend! I was thinking of going to the children's museum in Indy.

[ClingingToHope]

I was thinking of going to the children's museum in Indy.

Write up a review of it. I'd love to take my girls to Indy next summer.

Everything you wrote is spot on. I'd toss it one more, no OW contact. Non negotiable.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I agree. Although it's difficult, I think you are really able to see clearly now about what needs to happen and the things that are non negotiable. The things you are expecting out of him are very rational given the situation. And exactly, words are just words, and until his actions start to prove it, you have no reason to believe him. And cutting out OW is the first crucial step. And now, give him a chance to prove himself to you and see what happens...

Still hoping for the best! =)

[BeginningAgain]

I lived in Indiana in the late 80's and had the opportunity to take my kids several times to the Children's Museum in Indianapolis. They absolutely loved it - I did too!

S4H

[hoosiermama]

The Indianapolis Children's Museum is one of the best in the country! It's worth the 2 1/2 hour drive from where you are (my hometown, btw!) Indianapolis is pretty kid-friendly in many ways, and there are several other things they could do while you're here. Enjoy!!

[awest1217]

Let me know about the other things. More than likely it will just be me and S2 so I need things that aren't too stressful because I want to relax as well.

I just set up our new cell phone online account so I can pay the bills, and H has been calling OW and texting her constantly since leaving. I just don't know if I can handle this anymore. I text and he doesn't answer. I don't answer him and he gets mad. After this weekend I need to go dark. Any ideas about how to stick to that? I can't keep allowing him to play family with us and saying he wants our marriage to work, but still have OW and talk to her more than me. He is so much more codependent on her than me, but he won't admit that. I am going to leave the Indy thing up to him and see if he comes. This is his last chance and if he says no without another suggestion, I am going to go by myself and just not talk to him anymore. His mail can pile up here and he can text all he wants. I just need to post everywhere...do not respond! Do NOT RESPOND! DO NOT ANSWER! I have to set my boundary and if he doesn't like it oh well, but he can't have two women, and not only ruin our family's lives, but also her marriage (her fault too).

So any other cheap ideas for Indy? I am probably only going to spend the night there and depending on if H goes, I might stay with some friends.