Just curious GIMA, have you really invested in option 1? It seems like you have spend most nights with her, still call her frequently, still do lots of nice things for her.
I completely understand why, since it seemed like she had been coming closer to you over the past couple of months, but amping up the GAL may be worth a try.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Just curious GIMA, have you really invested in option 1? It seems like you have spend most nights with her, still call her frequently, still do lots of nice things for her.
I completely understand why, since it seemed like she had been coming closer to you over the past couple of months, but amping up the GAL may be worth a try.
I think initially, I did GAL pretty well. As she came closer, yes, I got lazy with that. And I agree I need to ramp that back up. For ME.
If you go there, you have to be ready to ride the dragon for the entire journey.
Speaking as one that has now done this, it's not a gambit. You should be ready to ride that dragon, although I think that puts too much a negative on what your doing. It's for yourself, and doesn't need to be a negative for yourself.
Your doing what is best for you, for me it's brought some peace, and if my STBXW comes back around, I'll have to decide if I want her back in my life.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Well, it seems I will have to adjust to NO contact, or very minimal contact, from W during the day. The last couple of days since the Sunday night conversation have been marked by virtually no communication from W during the day.
Well, it seems I will have to adjust to NO contact, or very minimal contact, from W during the day. The last couple of days since the Sunday night conversation have been marked by virtually no communication from W during the day.
Adjustments.
Not adjustments, you have choices here. If you want to contact her you can, you can decide to contact or not, the medium, the message, tone, length, and when you end it on your side. Stop giving away power over things you do have control over - yourself.
The defense has 8 men up in the box with 1on1 coverage on the WRs. You going to stick with the run or audible to a pass play? It's a choice. You decide. You call your own plays.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, it seems I will have to adjust to NO contact, or very minimal contact, from W during the day. The last couple of days since the Sunday night conversation have been marked by virtually no communication from W during the day.
Adjustments.
Not adjustments, you have choices here. If you want to contact her you can, you can decide to contact or not, the medium, the message, tone, length, and when you end it on your side. Stop giving away power over things you do have control over - yourself.
The defense has 8 men up in the box with 1on1 coverage on the WRs. You going to stick with the run or audible to a pass play? It's a choice. You decide. You call your own plays.
Thanks Coach for the reminder. Too much cognitive dissonance and distortion on the brain.
Day ended pretty well. I got home from work and went on one of the best runs I've had in a while. Nice steady pace, loud music while thiking about cognitive dissonance and cognitive distortion. VERY interesting information into the why's and how's of people's decision making process and how it can, and often does, go awry. Helps me understand what may be influencing my W's decisions and, more importantly, helps me understand how to pull myself out of the emotional funk I've been in for a week. It also helps me realize, honestly realize, I'm going to be fine no matter what happens.
So, I am feeling MUCH better mentally and emotionally. And, I think I have dropped the rope. It's all her's now. I will still lead, to where, I don't know. But its for me now. Not her or for any preconceived result. If we make it, great. If not, then its not what I wanted, its her decision, and I move on to be the best father I can for my kids and meeting someone new and very special (once I play a lot of golf, fish, a few trips, golf, enjoy me, fish, and golf).
Tonight, I actually initiated a little conversation with her b/c I wanted to. She then hung out in one part of the house, me in my usual spot in the great room (she is in the next room). I keep to myself for a while as I watch the World Series, and I think, ok, so this is how you want it to be. No sweat. After 30-45 minutes, she pipes up with a question about who is favored for the Series. And a new conversation cranks up.
A little while later, she comes into the kitchen to start working on a cake she's making. And, she's talking the entire time. I tell her about my day, not to influence her, but b/c I FELT like telling her.
Then after a while, I head off to my room. Want to get a decent night's rest tonight. But not before checking out the boards here.
Hey Sweetie......you sure have a popular thread here....so many friends.
I know you're tired of all this and have a lot on your mind, but I am curious as to what you think "dropping the rope" really is. I get the idea from your posts that you see it as totally "giving up". I believe that is why you are afraid of doing it. If you have time, I would like to hear your thoughts as to how you see dropping the rope.
Another thing I noticed was your comment about Coach reminding us to "lead", but you used that comment in a response where you had pursued. Do you see this being the same thing?
You spoke of finding the middle ground between being in limbo and pressuring, but as Coach has pointed out to you...it is about making choices. There is a vast difference. Maybe I am the one who is not putting what you said in proper context.
I see the entire DB concept based on attitude and choices. You said you started getting pretty good at GAL and when your W warmed up to you then you got lazy. I'll venture out and say that you were GAL as a ploy to get your W to warm up to you. Now, mind you, I tell people that all the time....but the main purpose it to do it for yourself...not to get your S back. I do believe it helps in making the LBS more interesting and attractive, but not to the degree that it works if you aren't doing it for your own improvement. Many men have admitted to doing the same thing. They would say they stopped doing what worked...and then their WAW would head for the door. So each time, the LBH has to work harder at DBing b/c the changes did not stick. That's not to say that once a couple reconciles that the LBS should go out on the town almost every night, but I do think they should continue to do things for themselves....for several reasons, and I think you already know what they are.
When you spoke of getting away for a few days....the way you stated that post made me wonder if you were a little mixed up about some of the things different ones have pointed out. When your heart and mind is so troubled and trying to remember all the advise people give, there's no wonder some time away would help. I think you should do it!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
