Tomorrow is our MC session and I'm getting so incredibly nervous. I sent H a text earlier this afternoon to confirm that he's attending, but I haven't heard back yet. I guess it doesn't matter, I'm going anyways.
I don't understand what he sees lacking in me, but I understand his current position. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he doesn't want to stay in this relationship either as it is now. That is the same position that I have. He thinks that neither one of us can change enough to make the other happy. Whatever, fine. He hasn't seen any changes that I've accomplished this year by going to the IC. I don't think he's looking in the right places.
So, one of us has to have the courage to move on and change the dynamic in this relationship, and it looks like that will be me. He doesn't want to be the one to call quits, I guess- he has just as hard a time with it that I do. Neither one of us wants to be the "bad guy" and leave. But I should be able to sign a lease on an apartment this weekend, and be moved out by the middle of November. We need to discuss custody arrangements for D17 and support issues too.
I'm trying hard to keep from crying, I really thought we had a shot at fixing this. Just like a lot of other people here, I just don't understand why he's not happy with me, and I don't think I'm ever going to. The last couple nights he acted normal, like we hadn't talked about splitting on Sunday. He's not sleeping well but it's hard to tell if that's his normal bad sleep habits or being stressed and hurt, probably some of both. I just want to get tomorrow over with.
