As I said, I don't post much here. My marriage may end, but there's no OM in the pic now. He dropped my wife as soon as the affair was exposed.
But I can understand your feelings. Mentally, I live where you do. I have a horrifically strong sense of right and wrong.
Here are some things the come to mind.
1. Your feelings are normal. You are supposed to feel angry and upset. An injustice was done. Modern times require us to have to live in the face of this insanity. In olden days the men in your clan would have probably strung up your ex and ow. Talk about closure, medieval style. In today's environment, we are suppose to cultivate acceptance and we're told to let go and move on. And we're supposed to share our children with people who stole our spouses from us and broke up our families. What I'm saying may seem, on the surface, to add fuel to the fire. But I would be worried about you if you didn't feel outrage, anger and stress. Forgiveness and acceptace will come when you are ready.
2. They say time heals, perhaps you need to be a little easier on yourself and understand that you will, bit by bit, handle encounters with ex and OW more graciously. Forgiveness will come.
3. I think it's commendable that you are worried about your kids not having to "care" for you. That's more than I can say for your ex, who exposed them to this insanity. You are going to react, and for a time, your kids will bear the burden of being uncomfortable around you and the OW.
4. The little that I have seen of you is that you are thoughtful, kind and want to be loved. You are alive and interesting. Sure, you have your flaws. But I don't see any real fatal flaws.
5. In psychology you will be told to love yourself that you don't NEED other people's love so desperately. Theology will tell you that you need to allow God to love you fully, so that you see youself as loveable and delightful, and therefore, are not so desperate for other people's love. I think this is a life-long process we all grow in. There's no button to push. It takes time.
Questions for you.......
1. Sometimes when we are trying to play, "I'm OK, you're OK, the divorce was no-one's fault" game for the kids, it becomes clear to our kids that we are bull-sh*tting them.
Did you have that pseudo-conversation with the kids?
2. Perhaps being honest with the kids --saying, straight out, "Dad had and affair and left me. That's wrong, in fact it's immoral. It hurt me and I'm angry about it. You dad never apologized to me and he's not sorry. It's going to take some time for me to forgive and move on. But people can make mistakes, and we can still love them, even when they are wrong. I am working on being that kind of person. Your dad still loves you and even though what he did was wrong, I know you love him too, and that's OK. We both love you very much."
Did you have that kind of conversation with your kids?
We are supposed to shield our kids, but they can also smell dishonesty.
