So what's next?? Do I simply detach and give her loads of space??? She alternates between warmth (she solicited a hug last night) and anger (kiss my ass, [censored]) with great frequency. I am too easily being lured into R discussions (which simply enable her to reinforce her decision and declare the M over).
Have you completed your legal and financial moves referenced above?
So what's next?? Do I simply detach and give her loads of space??? She alternates between warmth (she solicited a hug last night) and anger (kiss my ass, [censored]) with great frequency. I am too easily being lured into R discussions (which simply enable her to reinforce her decision and declare the M over).
YES and YES.
Give a wide berth, and YOU be the model of emotional consistency. Not too high (placating, needy/grabby, or touchy/feely) or too low (angry outbursts, tit-for-tat, etc.). Master the art of "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "Yes, I heard you, and I'm really sorry you feel that way," etc.
Now is the time for ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES. Sit down and think about what are "dealbreakers" to you. There should only be maybe 3-5 of these, and they should be things that are hard BOUNDARIES OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY for you.
For me, they were:
1) No calling OM from inside our marital home;
2) No calling or texting OM in front of the kids, regardless of where you are;
3) I will not allow our joint family funds to be used to enable your affair (her cellphone, lingerie purchases, plastic surgery (tummy tuck) Visa payment, etc.;
4) I can't stop you from having an affair, but I certainly won't stand here and listen to you LIE to me. If I know for a fact you're lying to me, I will stop the conversation immediately;
5) I won't be spoken to disrespectfully, screamed at, or otherwise put up with "crap behavior," as Robx likes to call it. If that starts, my participation in the conversation ends.
So this next phase is a real dichotomy, D'd&B'd. On the one hand, it's detach and WIDE BERTH, and on the other, it's HARD BOUNDARIES.
Does that make sense?
btw, the boundaries will have the dual effect of making YOU feel better about YOURSELF, and also showing her that you are strong, confident and sticking up for yourself (which in turn makes you more attractive in the LONG run, even if she chafes (pronounced "de-TESTS", lol) it in the long run
Puppy
Last edited by Puppy Dog Tails; 10/28/0908:30 PM. Reason: to add additional thoughts
Not a good night/morning. The warmth referred to from the night before before has turned to anger. Communication is basically limited to "other than kids issues you'll need to go through my lawyer". She knows I'm prepared to work on the marriage. Thus, the favourite phrase that she knows will sting is: "We're getting a divorce. period". She's also taken to saying "I don't care what you think about when R with OM started etc...I don't give a rats ass that you don't believe me" It's not looking good!
Just tell her "Yes, I've heard you -- you want a divorce" when she says the D stuff.
Re-read my post to you yesterday. That's all you can do at this point, but it's also a LOT to do, at least effort-wise. It's not easy, this "limbo" period. Next to piecing, it's probably the hardest part.
D&B, I know this hurts like hell, but it's not about YOU. It's about HER. These are HER issues right now, and you can't control her nor can you fix her. For us guys -- natural "fixers" -- that's not easy, but you have to let her crash. Protect yourself legally, protect yourself financially, put some boundaries in place, learn to schedule your day to minimize contact/interaction with her (my wife and I got real good a that), and then just GET A LIFE (GAL).
There IS something liberating in suddenly not caring what your wife thinks about what you want to do today.
Thanks, Puppy. I appreciate your input as well as that of all others on this stitch. It's been a tough day. This evening she has her best girlfriend and another here for dinner. I came in upbeat and friendly and engaged both in conversation. After a bit I could see WAS roll her eyes and she verbalized that I should leave.
It's funny.....today I had lunch with a friend who has been married for 40+ years. His spouse has cheated on him on numerous occasions. He described her as having "round heels" - ie. she's easy to push over and get on her back. I had initially thought that he would be the perfect guy to talk to as someone who has experienced a cheating spouse but yet managed to salvage his marriage. Perhaps he had some words of wisdom. In fact, in the course of our conversation it became apparent he is very unhappy. He has just learned to tolerate his spouses' infidelity. I thought to myself, jeez, do I really want to be this guy 25-30 years from now? It is the struggle I experience on a daily basis. I am profoundly sad. The pain is overwhelming. Yet, I ask myself, is this pain due to the fact that I truly love this person...is it due to the fact I want my family to remain intact no mattter how miserable the marriage....is it due to the fact this is all I have known and don't want to lose it....Or is it due to the fact I have "lost" someone to another and am bitter because of my competitve instinct? As a friend said recently, you need to peel back the onion skin of "Dazed" and find out what's there. Are there others who experienced these feelings? What a bloody painful mess.
I have a co-worker crashing at my house when he is inbetween moving houses for 3 weeks. He is having an EA on his wife and is going to go see OW in 3 weeks...
So here I am watching as it happens... Its F&^#*d up. Learning lots... watching the WAS justify an EA going to PA... Then talking about getting back with the wife and child and the years of joy... Its very educational. I am sure I am in a unique situation of being on the receiving end and watching it happen.... Don't worry I always let him know that it is wrong. And I tell him imagine how I feel ... thats his wife... Its just too bizarre...
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
By way of update, spouse says EA was ended by her the day following my discovery. I was initially skeptical and we did have some heated exchanges on the issue as I attempted to draw boundaries. In the course of these discussion WAS was never shy about referring to the fact I've gone on a couple of dates post-separation (she had cracked my mobile). However, for a variety of reasons I believe that EA is in fact over and had not progressed to full blown PA (although goodness knows it was likely headed in that direction). Up until this past Saturday its been a rough ride with WAS name calling and attempting to dictate legal terms. By her own acknowledgement she remains very, very angry. However, as of Saturday afternoon we resumed a "no strings attached" PR (in recognition of our "mutual needs") and this has improved our interaction dramatically. She does seem paranoid that this will lead me to believe she has changed her mind about D. I have provided assurance that I have let her go and accept her decision.
