Thanks. I do feel better b/c I've kept these things in for so long. It is ok she lashed out b/c she can't and won't be able to accept her part of our D. She'll continue to blame me b/c it is easier and more convenient for her to do.
She has a distorted version of the facts and I did say it was unfortunate that she will continue to view me in that light, but that is something I can't change.
For me, I think this is a step forward away from the past that has been weighing me down for a bit too long.
Communication broke down in my marriage. There's no reason to think it would improve with and after divorce. Nothing you say to her will make sense. It'll just sound like blame and guilt directed at her.
Things that weigh heavy on you are yours to process, manage. Is it a coincidence that you sent that letter to your former spouse right when you're accepting the instability of the relationship with your GF?
In my opinion, this is where individual or group counseling helps YOU with what's going on with your thought process, your emotions. Anxiety and obsessive worrying are like a dog chasing its tail. All it does is get you dizzy. Find positive healthy tools that help, not hurt, you.
As I was told over and over again, my former spouse will probably never validate my actions, even when they're absolutely right, because it goes against the path he's set. I HAVE to be wrong, at fault for the choices he's made.
When you can get to the point where you can say that you were happy for what you shared, disappointed that it broke, know the positive that your former spouse brought and embrace the life you have then you're on the road to health. Otherwise you still get sucked into a past that only brings hurt and resentment. And it only hurts you.
It could be a coincidence. I was triggered by XW sending a scathing e-mail about my incompetence as a father when D6 was sick this weekend. It brought up so many things that had been repressed, that I decided it was time to lay them out there.
XW and I never had a talk about our stuff. I never got to voice my side to her as she always stonewalled me. She did that much like your XW did to you b/c her version has to have me as the bad guy for it to work.
I knew that and expected an angry reply. However, it was good for me to get it all out and be able to move on from there.
As for going back into counseling, I started laying the groundwork on that front yesterday, so I'll be back in therapy soon...which will also be very good for me.
Finally heard back from GF and she said she can't handle a BF right now. She doesn't want me to go away, but just hang out and go slow w/her so she can figure herself out.
She said things were going too fast for her and she freaked out, so she doesn't want me gone, but can't handle having to talk about "our" future as we've been doing.
So, I told her that I can do that and I'll look to hang out w/her from time to time, but will look to go slow and work on putting myself and my needs ahead of all others. It will give me an opportunity to lead my life and to practice being around someone I care about w/out being needy, pushy, or clingy.
In the meantime, I'll also go out on a few dates and if something is out there that will click, then I'll be able to just have the "friendship" w/GF.
It is an opportunity to start fresh and see if GF is really the one I want to be w/or to move on. It also gives me a bit of a mulligan on my past behavior w/her so I can learn from it for future use w/whomever.
I understand why you sent the email now. No one likes unfriendly criticism. Maybe a better email would have been...
Hey Angry Adultress Wineo -
Grace and I both believe I am an excellent father.
Go pound sand.
RTL
Good deal with the girl friend getting back to you. It means that you are not confused as much about where she is in the relationship. Something tells me that as time goes on and you are happily dating others that she will come around.
I agree w/you on the GF front that it is good to know where she stands w/us. I am going to step it back to the phase where we were 1st dating and I too think she'll come around shortly.
Our mistake is we got too exclusive too soon. I won't make that mistake again, b/c I won't be discussing R talk, but instead working on gaining attraction, leading, showing confidence and independence in a R.
From there, I'll let things go where they may.
Concerning XW, how great would it have been to be able to send your version of the letter. I love the idea! However, it was a good thing for me to process things and, believe it or not, I did get her to agree on a few points! Amazing, I know, but she did cave on a few points.
Overall, my side was verbalized and she's never going to change. The good thing is the purpose of the exercise was never to get her to change, so I'm not disappointed.
The email your GF sent you is not new. It's the same email she sends you, the same message she gives you repeatedly. She is not ready, she wants to take it slow but wants you to hang around until she's in a better place. Your reply is the same as in the past.
You push for a future, a girlfriend, to be a bona fide couple. She's not ready. You accede to her wishes. The whole ball of wax starts over again.
I think she wants to be a Good Friend. If you care for her, reread her email without intentions or expectations. Reread her email and see where you are in this picture. Consider what advice you'd give a friend in the same situation.
And for goodness sakes, please stop beating yourself up for learning as you go.
Me.. I'd say be her friend, remove any and all romantic entanglements, drop her as your emotional confidante (if she is one). And take TIME for YOU because you seem to find satisfaction in a relationship that is not there. Like Gucci said.. if she wanted you closer, she'd make it easy.
And from my experience, if the guy is right, he is right. Doesn't matter if there's a good enough guy in the wings. The guy with 'something there' is irresistible.
Talk to your counselor, friends why you are so insistent on pursuing a woman whose wants and needs are counter to yours. Why you cling to hope. Holding onto the belief in marriage and family is one thing. I just get the feeling you're not a happy camper emotionally and having something, even if it's unsatisfying, is better than nothing.
Look at yourself, Rob. Just be Rob. Heal, learn and grow, one step at a time.
I'm going to use this opportunity to start over w/her and see where things develop b/c I'm going to focus on moving at a natural pace.
She had all the attraction in the world for me until lately when I became too available, too clingy, and started moving too fast. I see that as my weakness and as where I'm a bit "broken" because I want things to happen so fast.
She may not be the one for me in the end, but I'm going to be her friend for now, do the things I should be doing to show confidence in myself, slow everything down and if the attraction is there, it will resurface. If not, I'll be able to work on my control and confidence in the meantime.
In the future, if things should go forward, I'll be able to be in a better place. Starting over and going slow will allow me to work through my issues as I begin counseling as well. In the end, it may be me that ends up not wanting to be w/her.
As I said before, I'm not ready to throw this one out...I may be NUTS, but I'm not there yet. So, this is good for me to see right now and I'm ok w/the idea.
It also forces me to get off my duff and get back out dating, which I'll start to do right away.
