Question

[awest1217]

S just still has a raging ear infection and the croop. He had antibiotic shots yesterday and will be on another antibiotic and steroids for the croop which make him hyper. We will be going to see the ear nose and throat doctor in two weeks.

H took S to his doctor's appointment this morning and I was really mean. I am just still so angry at him. I know I shouldn't be that way, but I can't help it. I told him that I am just still so angry. He went to a counselor last night who said it is good for him to not be living at home because he is codependent on me and needs to learn to be independent. I am ok with becoming independent because he will then actually make decisions and be a man, but after all we have been through is it really good for him to continue to be gone. I finally told H this morning I regret everything in our relationship and I should have broke up with him forever ago and should not have married him when I got a letter from an anonymous girl saying how he loved her and not me (two days before the wedding, but we still got married). I said the only good thing about us is S. I know I should not have said those things, but I really do feel that way. I am so tired of holding us together.

I am mad that he wasted 6 months doing whatever he wanted while I was penny pinching. I think what I am most hurt about and mad about is that I cannot trust him at all, especially while he is at the other house. He said he told his counselor first thing that he wants to get better because he wants our marriage to work... I just don't know if it is too late for me. That is why he told me he left in the first place. To become more "independent" and he didn't so why should I believe him now. Also right before he left this last time I read and e-mail he wrote to OW where he sent her a link to how 93% of second marriages are happier than first and that "I love you". Then she wrote back saying the article still said they end up in divorce and that right now she liked where they were and ended with "ily". He sent that while he was at home with me and saying "he wanted us to work". If you want us to work why are you telling another woman you love her when you haven't told me since beginning of August?

I just don't know. I really am mad, but I still love him and want us to work, but in order to gain my trust and respect back it will be a lot of work, and I don't think H is strong enough to do it, plus he doesn't want to let OW go at all. Finally, I don't know what all I should tell him. I am thinking about writing him a letter where I explain I am mad not mostly because he left but because of the e-mail and that I don't have any trust in him at all while he is at the other house. The longer he is there the worse it gets because I don't believe at all he is doing anything for us. Just for him so he can have a better marriage with OW. I know I am assuming here, but shouldn't he try to gain my trust back and do something? I know one person can change a marriage, but I don't know if I can be that person anymore.