This is something I have been struggling with for a while myself. How do you get out of limboland without applying direct pressure.
If we push for Retro or counseling etc, then that is pressure.
If we express pain or need, then that is pressure AND unattractive, and only makes the WAS feel guilt and resentment
If we say "I am going to leave / file for D myself unless..." then that is pressure (and a threat)
This leaves only 2 options (please let me know if you see others):
Option 1: Learn to be happy living a disconnected separate life within the marriage. Connect with yourself. Fulfill yourself. Be independently happy. Release all expectations of anything more from M.
Option 2: Become the WAS. File for D and move on with your life.
Any other thoughts?
Which is why I believe there has to be some appropriately exerted and limited "pressure" applied. Coach calls it leading.
I don't think it is hitting them with "make a decision NOW." I think, at least in my case, it is here is where I am. I see two options - work on the M or D. This is your choice W, but we either need to work on the M or move on.
While W is mulling over in her mind that proposition, I continue to DB for me. I KNOW I have changed. I kKNOW I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. I KNOW I will never be THAT guy again. But, she either (a) doesn't believe that, (b) won't let herself believe that or (c) just doesn't care anymore b/c, as she says "her feelings will never change."
Thinker, I am learning my way right now all over again. So, part of it is continuing to DB and the other part is leading, which I think is also DB'ing.
And, admittedly, this is hard to figure out and implement. But, I'm trying.
