I agree that all situations are different. In my case my H could have cared less if I started to date before our legalities were complete (or hell, even STARTED for that matter) because he was deeply vested in his affair. In his mind (he told me this almost a year later) had I started dating he would have felt better about things because we would have been "even". He actually urged me to date but that was his tool to ease his own guilt.
When a WAS is in the thick of an affair the LBS dating isn't even a blip on their radar. It doesn't make them jealous because they don't care! They are happy with the new buzz and lust of the new R so what the LBS is so very secondary it just doesn't matter to them.
I also think the personality of the WAS prior to the bomb is an element to examine. My H, in the 13 years we were together, was NEVER a jealous person. EVER. It's simply not in his nature. Armed with that info I knew that while his affair was going strong he all of a sudden wouldn't become the jealous type. In fact, me dating would have only validated what he was doing. And I don't validate or mimic bad behavior with the hopes it would have turned things around.
That is one of the reasons I went totally dark on him. No matter what I did or said didn't matter to him so I had to remove myself from the situation for ME. Two months after he moved out he came over to visit and watched the clock until it was time to go meet his GF. It was that very day I told him he was no longer welcome in MY home. A few months later he and I were on a phone call discussing some legal matters and he put me on hold to take a phone call from his GF. Again, unacceptable. So, no more phone calls. He was then regulated to e-mail only.
And just as a FYI - I knew about his affair for FIVE months before I brought it up. When I did bring it up I did so in a kind and quiet manner and he went nuts. Full blown nuts. In the decade plus I have known my H he has *never* spoken to me that way.
There are some WAS's that are simply so staunch in their decision to bail that nothing will make them take a second look. Mix in an affair and no amount of dating by the LBS will make a bit of difference.
IMO some of the tactics are right on.... GAL, detaching and moving forward as an individual. The jealousy and game playing is self destructive (IMO of course) and should not be part of the process.
My H is the type of person that once he decides something that is it. No looking back. No second guessing. His decisions are final. So me dating would have only hindered me and my healing and growth.
