Hi all- Well had a nice weekend with friends in NYC. I feel like I've made a lot of gains in GAL, PMA, etc. I definitely do still get sad (as a matter of fact got another good cry in last night) but it feels less desperate and scary than before.
But I am hitting a weird place. Thinking about what I want life to be like after this all, and thinking that i'll be ok. And yet I do still feel in limbo. H and I are still married, he has not recently made any mention of filing, yet has his own apt downtown and started new job. Am I staying here for him? No, not in the short-term..I had planned/wanted to stay through YE anyway, busy w work and travels and making new friends, plus not here all that much anyway. But come 3-4 months from now, yes I'll be moving on thinking about SF or possibly even NYC for a short time, where I have more friends in both cities. However, I don't want to move while we are still in limbo. This may seem silly, but if we're going to end things I'd rather do that now while I'm here, than deal with this long distance...if there is ever a chance to reconcile, i'd rather do it here too.
I guess I just want him to level with me...in a way I want to have this talk, but I am scared to bring it up. I have not let his lack of initiative stop me from living my life, I am still going out, thinking of/starting to date, putting myself out there. Do I still love him? Yes. Would I still give anything for him to want to go to counseling or retro or anything to help us? Yes. But I've accepted that he's just not there. There's all this talk in DB - and I get it - about how it's not helpful to bring up R talks...just be upbeat and happy and let them do that. And I get it. And I also feel since H moved out, he's the one that should carry this through to completion if he no longer wants to be with me. Is he a total coward? Does he just not want to feel guilty? So much, I know.
What hurts me more than this marriage ending in many ways is his walking out without an iota of trying. Does he ever think of the good times? And yet I know I cannot change him, only myself. And some of my health problems have recently come back and it makes me miss H even more b/c he knew of and was a great support for me in that respect at one time. In some ways it makes the venturing out to dating even more daunting.
Pearl - i laughed aloud about your mention of crazy cat lady...yes that is a hidden fear i have as well! (and a term i've used before!)
When to just get so fed up with this and move on myself...and do I even want to? There is some weird comfort in the limbo, and fear of the unknown...and i don't know moving will 'solve problems' anyway (in terms of healing and unease i feel over all of this) but in some ways, i feel stuck. Some days more than others, on the whole, i feel better and come along way than months ago. When does one know when they need to take the bull by the horns and make things happen if H is too much of a coward (and again, not that i want him to file..I'd much much rather have him come home)?
I just pray and hope that good will come, than all will work out one way or another.
