I wanted to follow up on my post, as I see you struggling in your last few days posting.
It seems your searching for answers, for both you and you M, and from what I have found the last month or so, I hope that my comments may help you out.
As sandi2 said, I believe it's time to drop the rope, but in addition, I think you need to drop the rope on yourself as well. Take some time, and just let things be, for me it took a couple of days. Take the pressure off yourself to find the answers.
We guys tend to do this, There must be a way to 'fix' this, or 'understand' what went wrong so I can fix that, or I want to work on our M so I can fix that, and we suffer when we can't figure it out. I have come to accept that some things we may never know, or understand completely, or we may not be able to fix it, or make the correct decision. I am now ok with that, and accept it as truth. It may just be that way for some things.
Back the pressure off: just let it be as it is right now, and stop looking for the clues completely. Hand your W and your M to your higher power, and work on accepting things as they are in this moment.
When I finally did that, it was then that I got the clarity to do what I needed to do for me, not for my M or my STBXW, and it appeared at an unusual time and place. With that, when the decision was made, everything fell into place to do what I wanted to do as if it was supposed to be.
IWITW, thanks friend. I was thinking today I could just get lost for a couple of days. Maybe on a lake or in the mountains. Just do nothing. Then, I realized I have too much (good problem) to do at work.
But, I get your point, and I agree. Trying to stay clear of R talks or any other heavy discussions for a few days.
These are the types of mornings that have me scratching my head.
On the way in to work this am, I got a speeding ticket. So, while the officer is writing my gift, I IM my W to tell her the good news. Now normally, when something like this happened, she would be upset and have a snide comment like "Great, that's more $$$ out the door." This morning, she responds with "I'm so sorry. That's no fun." I was shocked by her response.
So, I sent her a msg back that said "Thank you. For understanding." She replied "I hope your day gets better." I said "It already has." She finishes with "Good."
Now, what is that?!?! Is that someone still resigned to D who is just trying to make friends? Probably.
Before I left the house this morning, W asked me if it would be ok if she returned the cake book I bought her for anniversay (yes, I got her a very small something) for a different one. It hurt a little, but I said no problem and brought her the receipt.
Probably just journaling more than anything this am. But, each day I am puzzled by her actions. Hopefully, I handled this morning's traffic offense well. I think I did.
Well that just stinks! Bummer about the ticket. Was it foggy up there this morning? Bad time to speed...you know how they love to hide out there!
Frankly, I wouldn't read anything at all into your W's reaction to the ticket. She's playing nice because she knows that she has already burned you this week so best to tread lightly or risk you blowing your stack with her.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well that just stinks! Bummer about the ticket. Was it foggy up there this morning? Bad time to speed...you know how they love to hide out there!
Frankly, I wouldn't read anything at all into your W's reaction to the ticket. She's playing nice because she knows that she has already burned you this week so best to tread lightly or risk you blowing your stack with her.
Maybe. But I did not exhibit any anger towards her in either of our discussions. The emotion I showed was love, compassion, caring and pain. More likely that she is trying to build the friendship to lead into "coparenting."
She has noticeably not responded to the question I left with her Sunday night about considering MC/Retro. I am keeping a very close eye on that. I may have to be the one to bring that up again.
Careful, she may see that as pushing. She heard you the first time. She could be avoiding the answer or burying her head in the sand hoping you will forget about it and then so can she. She would have to want to put in the work to actually go to Retro and right now it just doesn't sound like she's willing to do that.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Careful, she may see that as pushing. She heard you the first time. She could be avoiding the answer or burying her head in the sand hoping you will forget about it and then so can she. She would have to want to put in the work to actually go to Retro and right now it just doesn't sound like she's willing to do that.
You are absolutely correct as to Retro. Unless she is ready to work on the M, I don't think Retro will help (anyone correct me if I'm wrong).
I am walking a fine line here. If I push too much, then that creates pressure. If I leave it alone, no pressure, then we revert back to limboland. I don't wnat either of those. So, somewhere in the middle is the target.
Why did you IM her after the ticket? This is the rope that needs to be dropped. Inject that space, detach, all that stuff.
Because she would have found out when I wrote the check for it. She made a big deal out of things she had not done in secrecy. I'm not worried about her reaction to the ticket, but she should know.
This is something I have been struggling with for a while myself. How do you get out of limboland without applying direct pressure.
If we push for Retro or counseling etc, then that is pressure.
If we express pain or need, then that is pressure AND unattractive, and only makes the WAS feel guilt and resentment
If we say "I am going to leave / file for D myself unless..." then that is pressure (and a threat)
This leaves only 2 options (please let me know if you see others):
Option 1: Learn to be happy living a disconnected separate life within the marriage. Connect with yourself. Fulfill yourself. Be independently happy. Release all expectations of anything more from M.
Option 2: Become the WAS. File for D and move on with your life.
Any other thoughts?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
This is something I have been struggling with for a while myself. How do you get out of limboland without applying direct pressure.
If we push for Retro or counseling etc, then that is pressure.
If we express pain or need, then that is pressure AND unattractive, and only makes the WAS feel guilt and resentment
If we say "I am going to leave / file for D myself unless..." then that is pressure (and a threat)
This leaves only 2 options (please let me know if you see others):
Option 1: Learn to be happy living a disconnected separate life within the marriage. Connect with yourself. Fulfill yourself. Be independently happy. Release all expectations of anything more from M.
Option 2: Become the WAS. File for D and move on with your life.
Any other thoughts?
Which is why I believe there has to be some appropriately exerted and limited "pressure" applied. Coach calls it leading.
I don't think it is hitting them with "make a decision NOW." I think, at least in my case, it is here is where I am. I see two options - work on the M or D. This is your choice W, but we either need to work on the M or move on.
While W is mulling over in her mind that proposition, I continue to DB for me. I KNOW I have changed. I kKNOW I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. I KNOW I will never be THAT guy again. But, she either (a) doesn't believe that, (b) won't let herself believe that or (c) just doesn't care anymore b/c, as she says "her feelings will never change."
Thinker, I am learning my way right now all over again. So, part of it is continuing to DB and the other part is leading, which I think is also DB'ing.
And, admittedly, this is hard to figure out and implement. But, I'm trying.
