Y, I am no expert here but here is what I would do:
1. I would get hard evidence of an affair (hire a PI if necessary or install keylogger software) Puppy is so right- I totally think this is an affair and you seem to think so also
2.Offer the opportunity for a 1-on-1 counseling session for her to feel like the marriage couselor has her view of the situation since you have an individual session
3. I would work like hell to detach and have a PMA, do different things, shake things up a bit, maybe spend more time with you son
4. With evidence of the affair I would confront with another MC session and let her know that a 3 way relationship will not be tolerated. Also the need for transparency (be mentally prepaired for the explosion on her end)
5. Tell her you are for the marriage and ready for some hard work but also consult some lawyers (secretly) and see what seperation and divorce would entail to ease your mind a bit- it helps to know what might occur- worst case scenerio
6. Adopt a c'est la vie attitude of "what ever will be will be"- you can only do so much. She will have to make choices and decisions. I like SP's metaphor of "smiling and waving" in light of a walk away spouses behavior. Don't let every nasty face and mean comment get to you. If they are acting b*tchy just let it roll off your back. Don't be a pushover either though After a while- my hubby's "I hate you" did not have as much effect on me as when the initial bomb occurred. B4 our reconcilliation- I finally got to the point of thinking to his "I hate you's"- Yeah,ok I know that already, whatever- didn't phase me that much.
7. Read many other posts on this sight for valuable insight, read the DB books, and read his needs, her needs
8. No R talk unless MC and do not look needy and clingy, but strong and confident
I found it better to not focus my energy into worry of what will happen or what is happening in the moment. I came to the decision that I would be fine with or without my hubby. I told him this and also let him know that I love him and would like to have a loving marriage as opposed to divorce. I was staying and remaining commited.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Thanks June---I like that game plan at least it gives me a script to work off of. I feel like when I am the only one coming up with a plan that it is to easy to make mistakes. The affair part would be easy to prove if it was a PA not so much on a EA i am afraid. I do believe that there is something going on, however maybe naive, or just dumb but I do not think, or want to think that it is physical. If it is an EA that would be harder to prove as we both have company laptops, cell phones, etc that are password protected. No way in heck that she would give me those (hmm maybe a boundary that I need to set?) Without that maybe I need to set aside the affair for now--but that also seems to be the needed kick in the pants to get things moving also???
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
the rest of the advice seems spot on, ecspecially #6. I do not think it is healthy for me to get into anymore R talks unless she is initiating them and coming from a rational place. These crazy arguments are wearing real thin with me right now--the opposite though is also true, I cannot stand it/HATE it when she just carries on like all is well in the world, maybe some of her own medicine would do the trick. The only but on my part, is that this feels like a big game, and I do not like that on her part or mine. Reading here I would like to get to a place where I am doing all of these things to make me better first and foremost, than let the rest of the chips fall where they may--- I have read DB and DR and am working on 5 love languages as well. But I need some help/advice/guidance/material to work on the mental side for me. Right now everything is consciously or sub-consciously being done with the thought "how would/does this effect my M and W feelings?" I need some big time help (or my first 2x4) on this part!
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
I wonder what Puppy's advice would be on snooping to find out. There has got to be some way. There can be no recovery of the marriage as long as an A is going on. That is why I listed discovery of the A as number one. It is the biggest and most pressing matter at the moment. Can you have a voice-actived recorder in her car (I know that is stooping really low- but concerning the circumstances) Puppy has also mentioned using a cell phone in the truck of your wife's car as a cheap GPS device. You REALLY have to find out or disprove the A b4 you can more forward.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
yes, I agree and I am not trying to refute the advice or help given here. Believe me I am not denying that "poor, sweet, loving faithful W" could be having/probably is having some kind of A. I am just not sure on which one and have tried to snoop best I can but am running into dead ends. I assume if I am going to throw that card out than I would need some pretty solid evidence. A couple of months ago I did ask the ? but was of course told "absolutly not" but I have learned and read you cannot trust most of what is said.....
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
OK, yes it is difficult to prove a EA without her acknowledging one, HOWEVER, a female in an EA is more damaging to a relationship than any PA would ever be. Remember that. A man can have a PA and not really have a lasting feeling, but more damaging to the LBW, it is the opposite sitch to the LBH. A woman involved emotionally in most cases is going to cause terminal issues to any relationship if she cannot cut ties one hundred percent to the OP. You need to find out what you are dealing with here! Plain and simple! Here is your 2x4. You cannot go into battle blind, or you are giving up all the cards in your hand.
So My wife just called and launched on me b/c i took my checkbook out of town with me. We have seperate accounts and always have. She wanted to pay the cleaning lady which has for the last 2 years that we have had her been 1 of 3 bills that my wife has to pay (I pay the other bills out of my account). I asked her why it was a big deal since she is supposed to pay and she got incredibly angry and just said that I am a liar and I am trying to screw her over.... I asked about our son and if she wanted to discuss anything else she got mad again and I said I would see her tomorrow when i get home and hung up. Seriously what is up with the CRAZY mood swings. She has never been like this but now at the drop of a hat she turns insane?? Also, what is the take on the checkbook, this has not been an issue before and she seems very upset about it...
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
Just a thought, has your W been seen by a doctor about possibly going on anti-depressant medication? Tough subject to bring up to someone, but something you may want to think about. Wellbutrin is kind of like a female Viagra too.
Ytjuy, Sorry you are here. I am so sorry to hear about your father. You have both been through a lot in a very short time. Can totally relate to your frustration. This is a good place to vent it. Please read the Divorce Remedy ASAP if you have not. I think you will find a lot of tools to help you.
I agree w LW & Spark you have time to work on this. It's not easy but the alternative is not either. I wish I had known about the book & this board before H moved out, but you start from where you are. I wish all the best for you & your family. Keep posting & reading! LFA
Y, just noticed I skipped several pgs. of your posts. You have been DBing quite well so my advice is redundant. Best of luck in finding out the truth, my H still has not admitted but all evidence points to an A. Harder to prove when we're separated though. I wish you strength in dealing w your sitch.
