We dialogued on a question that was essentially (using a hurricane destroyed house for the analogy) how do you feel about rebuilding your relationship? Initially his sounded postive(ish) but in elaborating, he said that it was like waiting for the final number in bingo or the lottery to be called [hopeful, anxious] but then a different number comes up (not the number you needed) and you feel disappointment. His other example was looking forward to something and upon reflection, feeling disappointed. I didn't take that very well; the question was how do you feel about rebuilding. The way it was answered felt like he already knew what he planned to do. Long story short, we had 2 dialogues to do tonight (we skipped last night) and it didn't go well. He left early because he was tired and had a headache, but also because he needed to "reflect on what happened tonight."
The reason I am worried is because in trying to dig deeper about the disappointment comment, he said that maybe he meant disappointed like looking at the destroyed house and feeling like there isn't any foundation and so any rebuilding won't be good. And here is where I might have made the big mistake- I said "if you're saying there's no foundation, then why are we torturing ourselves?" and then he opened our book and for the foundation they listed Love, Vows and Commitment. He says "Well, we know we love each other, but I don't know about the Vows and Commitment. Because if I don't honor the vows and I don't know if I can commit, then we don't really have a foundation."
Of course, vows and commitment are decisions; but as he said "sometimes he feels like just saying to hell with it, and just finding someone new. But other times he thinks he should try to work it out with me."
Our communication skills SUCK. I think it's because ultimately, I don't actually feel safe, so anyone negative emotions on his part scare the crap out of me. And really, they should. He is telling me he isn't committed. He keeps telling me that he "doesn't know how this will turn out". I know I "should" be able to hear his feelings since they aren't 'right or wrong'; BUT, he is telling me that he doesn't have much desire to work on things, that it should be easier, etc etc etc. In other words, he is highly driven by his feelings.
How do I let him have HIS negative feelings and not let it drag me into the dark abyss?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
