Can I save my marriage?

[chatterbug]

I knew that it was working two ways.
1. WAS complained to my mom that no contact was making it real difficult for her "Cutter's decision to cut off all communication with me made this more difficult"
More importantly when a lightbulb turned on late last week.
2. I realized that I had switched doing this from my was to myself.

At the begining it may help to set up your activities to do both. But make sure your goal is yourself. And it will just take over. It took almost 2 months for me to just grasp the concept that I was really doing this for myself. You will hear One door closes and another opens ( about 100 million times too many) Each time you think of that door that is opening look in a mirror and smile. You already know your a good person. Now embrace and reward yourself. Hold your own hand.

[Heartbroken20]

Hold your own hand.

This is an incredible gem, thanks.

[Lll54]

You already know your a good person. Now embrace and reward yourself. Hold your own hand.[i][/i]

This is awesome. You're right. I look in the mirror and see a good person that just really wants somebody to love. Preferably my H, but if its not in the cards, there's not much I can do about it.

[TrentC]

You already know your a good person. Now embrace and reward yourself. Hold your own hand.

This is awesome. You're right. I look in the mirror and see a good person that just really wants somebody to love. Preferably my H, but if its not in the cards, there's not much I can do about it.

The thing is? Although none of us want to admit it, there are other people out there who will love us as much as we want our spouses to.

This is the other reason why GAL and detaching are important: if those changes are not good enough for the people we're with, they may be good enough for someone else.

[Lll54]

I agree. As much as I don't want it to come to that. I do agree though. And if it happens i fully believe our spouses are gonna be the ones looking back at things one day fully regretting what they did. We can only hope they come to their senses before its too late. The problem with me, is that I love my H more than the world, and would probably wait till the end of time for him to realize it....

[TrentC]

I agree. As much as I don't want it to come to that. I do agree though. And if it happens i fully believe our spouses are gonna be the ones looking back at things one day fully regretting what they did.

And when/if that happens, you can work on trying to create a new friendship with him. But that's one possible future; no reason to put energy into it.

The problem with me, is that I love my H more than the world, and would probably wait till the end of time for him to realize it....

I feel the same way about my wife. And what I learned is, while that sentiment is powerful (and will be important if and when you get to piecing your relationship together), that sentiment is not enough to keep a wayward spouse from leaving.

Think about it: how many times have you said that to your husband since he moved out? How many times have I said it to my wife since she dropped the bomb on me? Did it had an effect at all?

Probably not; depending on how and when we said it, we probably came across as clingy, pathetic, or needy; and those are not traits one looks for in a mate.

So if telling them they are more important to you than your own happiness doesn't work, then why keep doing it?

[ClingingToHope]

The problem with me, is that I love my H more than the world, and would probably wait till the end of time for him to realize it....

I've posted this elsewhere. I read a book "The Power of Now" and the writer talks about relationships. His point is that many people don't actually love their spouses, they are addicted to being in a relationship.

I've been trying to figure that one out for myself.

A coworker told me his second marriage has been better than his first one -- which ended 25 years ago -- in every single way, yet he still thinks about his first wife at least once a week.

His point was that the feelings and memories never completely go away.

I don't see much hope for my M. I expect to be D by this time next year. I also hope to be much stronger by this time next year. But I also believe I'll love my STBXW for the rest of my days -- or at least the good memories/qualities of her.

Luckily, I believe I have enough love for another person and that I'll find her out there.

My W may or may not realize what we had and lost. She's a very determined person once she makes up her mind. My kids know though.

There is so much ahead of you. You may always love your H, but you can find someone else and be better for it.

[Lll54]

I totally agree! I do think some people are addicted to the relationship. In my case, I'm not going to be naive, there definitely is a little bit of me that may love my life, having a husband and children and the whole perfect family is a huge addiction. But I also know I love my husband. I have loved him since the day I met him. We had a brief breakup in our dating years and I didn't ever quit loving the man. He is my dream come true. Not saying there isn't anybody else out there that could possibly fulfill this for me, because I do think that may be true. But I love my husband and don't want to even have to explore those options.

Good luck to you in your search. I fear for that day. But if it comes I look forward to being in the place you seem to be where you are okay with that and open to looking for that "other" special person to love in your lifetime. I will search for you and your experience knowledge should I ever get to that point. Thank you.

[chatterbug]

Hows it going Britt ?

[Lll54]

Well, quite confusing to be honest with you. Everyday it seems like we're making progress. He compliments me daily, he calls me now instead of texting me all the time, he makes efforts to spend time with me and the kids when its "my" time with the kids, he spent the night here the other night again (for no reason, not sure why and definitely not discussed..it just happened, spare room though), he calls me for no reason sometimes, he talks about how when he does stay in the spare room how much it bothers him, he calls me "babe" like its no big deal, he went to MC for the first time today since he actually left, etc. None of this was happening two weeks ago. But no change in the area of R. He constantly talks about "our" house, "our" yard, "our" vehicles...blah blah blah. But still no R talk. Not sure what is going through his mind. We definitely have made huge steps since a week and a half ago. This has all been happening since last friday. I'm confused, I'm in limbo, I really want to know what the heck is going on, but I don't want to pressure him to answer me. That's what pushed him back last time. My MC thinks its time to sit down and talk about it. Since our last "talk" about R. He was still "done". But MC thinks he has made huge strides since then, and that we need to be honest with each other and discuss it. I dunno. What do ya think?