Is this the end of my marriage?

[chatterbug]

Heh Facebook. Its hard. My WAS is still "friends with 51 common friends" but not me. I started to use it to show GAL and 180. As soon as she saw this. De-friended.

I hope you sleep tonight. I cannot make it past the 4AM. What is the NMMNG forum?

You have made a good boundry. I hope you enforce it.

[P17]

Heh Facebook. Its hard. My WAS is still "friends with 51 common friends" but not me. I started to use it to show GAL and 180. As soon as she saw this. De-friended.

I strongly believe that Facebook, Bebo, text and IM will slowly destroy society ... :-) I work in IT (have for 18 yeasr now) and I STILL don't get social networking sites like Facebook.

My W has apparently taken her OM off as a friend ... this was the big news ... ahem.

I hope you sleep tonight. I cannot make it past the 4AM.

I feel for you. I know exactly where you are at. It used to be 4am-5am for me. The biggest worry for me though since the start of the week is actually being afraid to go to sleep. Yes, I'm afraid to go to sleep. Last night wasn't too bad though.

My IC suggested to me going to bed early and doing SOMETHING before going to bed. My problem was that as I was trying to drif off to sleep I would rehearse in my head the story of what happened and what I was going to say. The W was the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep so of course I had bad dreams.

My way of getting around this now is to read. Read anything. This usually makes me fall asleep anyway.

So, IC suggestion was go to bed early and read (or something else). Fall asleep. Wake up whenever you do (lets' say 2am) and you have 3-4 hours sleep. Get up and do something, read or whatever, fall asleep again say at 4am and get up at 7am. Then you have had 7 hours sleep in total. It might work for you.

What is the NMMNG forum?

No More Mr Nice Guy - you can find it at http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com - I have just joined the online course and it is helping me already. The book is great.

You have made a good boundry. I hope you enforce it.

I am committed to enforcing it just now. I feel very strong at the moment. I am not sure how long it will last if I'm honest but I am committed to keeping it there. It really is like a switch has been flipped in the brain - maybe it's a protection mechanism - knowing all I can about the W and OM was destroying me, I'm now trying to give up on that and the relationship as a way of protecting myself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Learning to lay out and enforce boundaries is INCREDIBLY empowering.

Puppy

[P17]

Learning to lay out and enforce boundaries is INCREDIBLY empowering.

Puppy

It does feel it already.

However the last boundary I laid out (no contact between my W and my D) fell apart as I simply wasn't strong enough to let my W go completely. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it as I just wasn't ready to do it. Just like I'm not ready to completely give up on the relationship but I am trying to ACT like I am.

I'm under no illusions that this new boundary may fall away but it's one that only affects me so it maybe easier to keep up. Whenever I'm confronted with the stuff, I take a deep breath and calm myself and move on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

a) Never lay out a boundary you're not going to 100% enforce. Otherwise, it's not a boundary at all, but what I call a "geeIwishyouwouldn't."

b) Don't confuse "letting go" with "giving up." They are NOT the same, and in fact sometimes you HAVE to let go in order to save the relationship.

Puppy

[P17]

a) Never lay out a boundary you're not going to 100% enforce. Otherwise, it's not a boundary at all, but what I call a "geeIwishyouwouldn't."

You're right. I suppose with the first boundary laid down and working you get strength from that and can set bigger boundaries. Baby steps ...

b) Don't confuse "letting go" with "giving up." They are NOT the same, and in fact sometimes you HAVE to let go in order to save the relationship.

You also have to sometimes let go purely for your own sanity (which is my case).

I am NOT giving up and will NOT do until the D is signed (or she goes back to her home town 300 miles away like I asked her to). I have strength this week I haven't had before and I hope I can keep it up. My mind is slowly letting go of her and her A. As you said though, that doesn't mean I've given up on the her or the M.

[P17]

Update.

My W was due to be here on Monday to spend some time with my D. She had to rearrange as she has had to work. So she can be over on Wednesday (4/11).

Several voicemails and texts and I've now arranged for her to babysit for me while I go out to my dance class on Wednesday. I have been trying hard NOT to text but to phone her and she has actually phoned me twice.

She has suggested coming over on Wednesday at 5pm until whenever I finish. To try and drag some control back, I actually called her and asked if she could leave it until 5.30pm so I can 'finish homework and dinner' with my D.

This felt good as it was reminding her that she doesn't get to do those things anymore and also that I am in control of the times, not her. These tiny little power struggles are important for my sanity.

Just a little power being taken back. The NMMNG class, although in it's very early days is teaching me well, as is this fantastic forum.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Excellent!!

[P17]

I've got some other bits I want to ask advice on that have been niggling at me.

Something I did in the past posts was to constantly analyse everything. I'm not analysing this, I actually just want opinions on this and probably a 2x4 taken to my head for saying a few things I shouldn't have. I'm posting here to get this off my chest and to take the beating ...

On Friday when my W came over and I had our chat, the compassionate, understanding and forgiving guy went away for 2 hours while the guy who needed to give her both barrels (which was also the guy she left) came out and told her exactly what i thought about what was going on, her lying, deceit and the affair and told her it wouldn't last, that he had already had second thoughts (from his Facebook comments although I didn't tell her where I got it from).

I also, and this is the bit I am actually most annoyed at, told her that I would NOT take her back, I had a very narrow escape from her, I was going to date (I had already told her this) and I was moving on. I also told her if I had ONE wish it would be for her to go back to where I met her (which was 300 miles away), take the OM with her and leave me and my D to get on with our lives. I think all of this was a big mistake as it's effectively closing the door on her.

I also asked about the D and she said she'd like one quickly and would admit to adultery. I said I'd sort that out after the separation agreement (which I won't as I want to keep fighting).

She also said some things that to be honest have me thinking.

When I said I had fought for my D for 7 years, she said NO, WE had fought for my D for 7 years. She also said 'but, yeah, I never supported you in that, did I' - as I had complained about that to her once or twice in the M. (I texted her the next to day to say I understood how saying that she never supported me was hurtful and that she was my rock and I could never have gotten through it without her).

While speaking about the contact with my D I said I was being selfless and in fact was getting a whole load of hassle for doing this (I was trying to get her to realise how hard I was fighting to keep their relationship). I said but all she was doing since she left was kicking me in the teeth and I was tired of it. So she later brought that up 'but I have just been kicking yo in the teeth since I left though'. She also said she didn't want me to get hassle for trying to keep the relationship going.

What made me think is that why on EARTH would she still be harbouring the hurt or these grudges if she had truly moved on? If I had been in her shoes and I had moved on with an OW, was happy, then I wouldn't give two monkeys butts for what my W had done to me as I had 'moved on'.

Can anybody enlighten me to this and hit me hard with the 2x4 for closing the door on my W? Did I close the door? I feel I have done wrong so any advice appreciated as always.

[P17]

A small victory for me today.

Went to the bank where my W and I have a joint account (setup only a month or so before we separated).

My W has changed the address for where the statements for the account have to go, and her own address (which is obviously fine), however she has left it open. Account is not used (last used in August) so can't understand why on earth she just didn't close it rather than change the address on it.

Anyway, I closed the account today. She *may* receive a letter confirming this (although they were not sure) but it will disappear from her online banking anyway. Another small but positive step for me taking a bit of control back.

One thing - should I tell me W that it's been closed (bear in mind there was nothing in it other than £1.16) or should I just leave it for her to find out. I don't think she'd tell me. if the show was on the other foot.