PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

R2C - Thanks for the reminder to keep my response texts (if I do respond) fresh and not so plain-jane-vanilla. Mental noted for future use.

No, I have not always been nice. I have always had the downfall of being a very nice person to pretty much everyone else except for him. He was the person I took out my anger and frustration on and was often witchy, demanding, and controlling with. Mostly because of my pent up hurt, disappointment, fear, and mistrust of him. So, me being nice to him throughout all the crap with the OW since starting to DB has been more like a 360 in his eyes I imagine. I know it's why he even said to me about a month ago "The night I asked you about having other people over (meaning OW), when we got home I figured you'd be all pissed off at me, but you weren't and even came and sat out on the couch and watched tv with me." I knew things were clicking in his brain then with my changes, that he's definitely noticing.

Kimmie / Trent C / Gardner - Yah, the kitty pics were getting annoying and definitely "high schoolish". That's why over the weekend when I got 2 on Saturday and 1 on Sunday, I didn't reply to any of them.

The only background info I can give on why he was doing this and why it was so frequent and repetitive, is that one, H is not a real sensitive and/or mushy type of guy. However, I think that he has been masking and supressing a lot of his "real and true" feelings through everything. He is not good at doing that for an extended period of time, and in past experience when everything does catch up with him, the floodgates usually open. And I have been catching vibes recently that his walls have cracks and might start crumbling.

Second, we had 2 cats that we raised from a couple days old and had them for 14 years together. Having no children, they were our babies and H has always had a super soft spot for them. It was an emotional bond between us and I think that this new kitten has brought back some of those old feelings into his heart of when we had our cats and that I could be the only person to understand his feelings of sentiment to this new kitten.

Just my best guesses on the sitch, coupled with, and like TrentC said, it might be the only reason or excuse that he has something of a "general nature" to reach out and have contact with me on.

[aflowergurlie]

Yesterday - Well, I had a great rest of the day and evening. Went up to my parents house where me, my Bro, and his girlfriend ended up inviting like 10 people over and cooking a feast. I have some fairly good culinary skills and like to put them to good use and bring them to the table whenever I get the opportunity. Here's what was on the menu:

Grilled Marinated Ribeye Steaks
Mango Chipotle Grilled Shrimp Skewers
Grilled Veggie Skewers w/ herb infused olive oil
Salt rubbed Baked Potatoes
Fresh Golden Corn on the cob
Sauteed Asparagus w/creamy lemon dijon sauce
Cremini Mushrooms w/red wine reduction
Crusty French Bread
Cran-Pom Martinis (OMG - my newest concotion - do try! - equal parts 100% Cranberry-Pomegranate juice + Stoli Orange + Cointreau)
Carrot Cake
Banana Cream Pie

Such a good time!!! Got home around 10:30 to H in office. I said "hey" as I walked by and received a glum "hey" from H. Definitely not his usual fake-chipper self these days. Went in room, H came and asked me for some help with the short-sale paperwork of our condo. I took from him, went back in my room with closed door, did what I needed to. H now in living room watching tv, just brought the paperwork back to him and then left and went back in my room, closed door. Didn't go back out for rest of night.

Today - Get a text from H about 10 til 5:00 "Can you give me a ring when you get a chance?" (Think it's funny that he didn't even attempt to call me as I haven't answered or called him back the last 3 times he's called.) So I waited about an hour and half and called him. H - "Hello." AFG - "Hey!" H (with a tired, weary, down voice) - "hey. Well, I wanted to ask you a question, but I don't need to anymore now." AFG - "Ok." and about to say bye and hang up. H interjects before I can - "Yeah, I was gonna ask if you could do me a favor and give me a ride somewhere, but I got it figured out now." AFG - "Ok. No problem." H - "Ok, bye" and I said "bye" at same time and hung up.

I was on my way to meet friends for dinner and a beer when I did call him back. If I would have thought fast enough I might have said "Oh, ok. Sorry, I probably wouldn't have been able to help you out anyways cause I have plans tonight." I have the hardest time thinking fast enough in the sitch while it's happening most times. Can always think of a million things that I could have said afterwards. Lol.

I got home a little while ago. H's overnight stuff is gone, so get house to myself for the evening. It's been a while since he's been gone on a Tuesday night. hmmm.

[aflowergurlie]

Spoke too soon. Just after I posted above, heard garage door. H comes in and knocks on my door. Is annoyed and asks me about the grocery situation. I haven't gone grocery shopping since last Monday and I haven't cooked dinner yesterday and today, two week nights in a row now. I told him I have been very busy and haven't had time to get to the store lately, does he need something. H replies, yes, food and then rolls eyes and starts walking out of my room. I just went to kitchen and put on happy face, and whipped up a quick dinner. H sat at bar and chatted with me. I just listened quietly while I cooked. I have pulled back on being enthusiastic and more interested in him and what he is saying to a little more guarded and self-consumed.

H told me he had a really bad day at work. Had some long meeting that went on forever. Then says "Thanks for not being all weird on Saturday when I came here." I just smiled and then I said "If it's who I think it was, please don't mistake that I'm ok with that." H just looked at me a little surprised and just said "okay?". Then I resumed my cordial self and he chattered on. Asked me about the preparation of another dish I had made last week. (I'm thinking he keeps trying to gather info like this, as he has asked me about a few other things, so he can prepare and cook something for OW or OP. Makes me furious inside because I feel like he is using stuff like this against me. He was never interested in cooking for me or doing things like that for me, but now he can use my knowledge to help him for OW or OP???? Make him look like this shining person in front of others, meanwhile it's all me behind it. Makes me want to spit nails.)

Noticed that he got some tickets in the mail via ticketmaster yesterday. I never said a word about it to him. Tonight he tells me about someone coming in concert locally. Tells me when and where they're playing and how much tickets cost. It had the implication of if I'm interested I should get my friends and myself tix to go is how it seemed. Inside I'm thinking is this the concert he already has tix to and he's hoping that I show up and have to "run into" him and OW or OP???

Then tells me about a romantic comedy movie he saw and says "You should see it, I think you would think it's cute." Again, when he starts talking and telling me about his activities I just wanna bleck all over because I know that he's with OW doing them.

H's mood and demeanor way more stressed, depressed, and irritated looking tonight than I have seen him in a long time. But he did apologize to me, said "I'm sorry if I was grumpy with you earlier." And made it a point to thank me for dinner as I was leaving the kitchen while he was still eating at the bar.

Thought I was home alone for evening and now I'm staying put in my room, ugh. Just don't want to be around him tonight. Don't want to hear about his life anymore right now. I never tell him about mine anymore and I don't even want to, so why should I have to subject myself to listening about his when it doesn't include me. We are in two separate worlds, living two completely separate lives and the overlapping of them is getting less and less...

P.S. He also asked me about the cat pic texts AGAIN, and talked about how cute the kitty is. Lol!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yesterday - Well, I had a great rest of the day and evening. Went up to my parents house where me, my Bro, and his girlfriend ended up inviting like 10 people over and cooking a feast. I have some fairly good culinary skills and like to put them to good use and bring them to the table whenever I get the opportunity. Here's what was on the menu:

Grilled Marinated Ribeye Steaks
Mango Chipotle Grilled Shrimp Skewers
Grilled Veggie Skewers w/ herb infused olive oil
Salt rubbed Baked Potatoes
Fresh Golden Corn on the cob
Sauteed Asparagus w/creamy lemon dijon sauce
Cremini Mushrooms w/red wine reduction
Crusty French Bread
Cran-Pom Martinis (OMG - my newest concotion - do try! - equal parts 100% Cranberry-Pomegranate juice + Stoli Orange + Cointreau)
Carrot Cake
Banana Cream Pie

Such a good time!!! Got home around 10:30 to H in office. I said "hey" as I walked by and received a glum "hey" from H. Definitely not his usual fake-chipper self these days. Went in room, H came and asked me for some help with the short-sale paperwork of our condo. I took from him, went back in my room with closed door, did what I needed to. H now in living room watching tv, just brought the paperwork back to him and then left and went back in my room, closed door. Didn't go back out for rest of night.

Today - Get a text from H about 10 til 5:00 "Can you give me a ring when you get a chance?" (Think it's funny that he didn't even attempt to call me as I haven't answered or called him back the last 3 times he's called.) So I waited about an hour and half and called him. H - "Hello." AFG - "Hey!" H (with a tired, weary, down voice) - "hey. Well, I wanted to ask you a question, but I don't need to anymore now." AFG - "Ok." and about to say bye and hang up. H interjects before I can - "Yeah, I was gonna ask if you could do me a favor and give me a ride somewhere, but I got it figured out now." AFG - "Ok. No problem." H - "Ok, bye" and I said "bye" at same time and hung up.

I was on my way to meet friends for dinner and a beer when I did call him back. If I would have thought fast enough I might have said "Oh, ok. Sorry, I probably wouldn't have been able to help you out anyways cause I have plans tonight." I have the hardest time thinking fast enough in the sitch while it's happening most times. Can always think of a million things that I could have said afterwards. Lol.

I got home a little while ago. H's overnight stuff is gone, so get house to myself for the evening. It's been a while since he's been gone on a Tuesday night. hmmm.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's DONE.



And no, I'm not just sucking up for some of that FOOD.

Puppy

[Lll54]

Aflowergurlie,

I only hope one day I can be at your level. I probably could have done what you have done, but then afterward, I would have felt like crap, and analyzed it for hours! What did you do and feel after you did it? (The whole text/convo thing)

[aflowergurlie]

I probably could have done what you have done, but then afterward, I would have felt like crap, and analyzed it for hours! What did you do and feel after you did it? (The whole text/convo thing)

Hi Brit -

Not sure what specific part you are referring to? If it is about my not texting him back and waiting to respond to his message to call him, let me tell you it is NOT easy. It is not in my nature to be unavailable, either out of fear of hurting his feelings and/or not wanting him to think that I am mad at him or purposely trying to avoid him. And that is a huge part of codependency. But here's where I am learning AND APPLYING that it doesn't matter if he does get his feelings hurt or thinks that I am mad at him. He can think whatever he wants to, feel how he feels, and I don't have to allow that to determine my actions or reactions in any given situation. I have the freedom and give myself permission now to choose whether or not I want to talk to him and then if or when I want to respond.

I still start to analyze afterwards and start going down the path of what if's? in my mind. But then I stop and remind myself that it's pointless and useless and will have no impact on determining any outcome in this situation. All I can control and do is the best me possible, and that is my biggest focus now. If it helps me in the future with having a new R and new M with my H, then great, but if not, it will continue to help me throughout my life regardless.

[aflowergurlie]

Today -

Missed a phone call from H around lunchtime and I was debating on calling him back. He came home for lunch about 30 minutes later and I was home but in my room, so didn't have to call him back. H comes to my room and asks me about helping him a little more with condo short sale paperwork. Never asked me about missing his call / not calling him back. Also asked me with an interested, more happy, upbeat voice about what I was doing? Just replied that I was busy working on getting work. I went to kitchen to get my lunch and went in my room to eat with closed door. H never came back to my room and left a little while later. Haven't heard from H rest of day and night and he hasn't been back home, so I'm pretty sure he won't be home tonight.

Something very, very peculiar happened earlier this evening. We have a home phone at our house. H and I never use it as we both have our cell phones that we use. The only reason we had a land line is that I used to use it for business faxing. Nowadays the only people that call on it are bill collectors and solicitors. Whenever people do call on the land line the caller ID pops up on the tv if tv is on.

Well, tonight at about quarter to nine I was in my room with tv on and caller ID popped up on tv with a female name and a local number I didn't know or recognize. The number also appeared to be a cell number prefix, not a land line prefix. Thinking hmmm to myself. Our land line phone has an answering machine, so I go to the machine and hit play messages. Sure enough, there is a message left from the phone number. Can't believe my ears when I listen. There is a little pause and then a female's voice (20's-30's age sounding) that says "f*** you" in a deliberate tone and then hangs up.

Ok, so I'm trying to narrow down by process of elimination what this could possibly be about:
1) It could have been a wrong number/misdial. Here's what leads me to believe that it wasn't; The outgoing message on answering machine is H's voice only that says "Hi, you've reached (our number). We can't come to the phone but if you leave a message we'll get back to you as soon as possible." He doesn't say our names but says our phone number. If this would have been a misdial or the caller had any question or doubt that they had reached the wrong number, the person would have heard H's voice and heard the phone number recited to them, and I don't think they would have left a message, especially that message. So that would indicate to me that this was indeed the person/phone number they were trying to reach. The only other wrong number message we have gotten that I can recall was about a year ago and it was a little old lady that said "Evidently I have the wrong number, sorry."

2) My mind is swirling with thoughts now; Was this OW trying to get a hold of H? Was OW leaving this message for H because of something happening/happened in their R? Was it intended to come in on land line in attempts that I might come across it as well? Or maybe because H isn't answering cell phone calls/texts? Is this OW or is it someone else, maybe another OW?

3) If this was OW, how would our land line number have been obtained? a) We have a published phone number, listed in all directories, so it could have been looked up. b) Back at end of July I had been gone over a weekend. When I got back I went to clear out the caller ID and check for messages on machine as I do that periodically about once every week or two weeks. On the caller ID was the number to a restaurant in the city that H had started going to/is still going to now that H's bro had taken us to one time before. H had asked me about the fax machine not working the day before that. Putting it together as best I could, someone from that restaurant was trying to send a fax to the landline, and I also guessed that it was more than likely directions to some place as this was pre-GPS that H now has. At the time, I thought it could be H's bro just there at the restaurant, or it could be someone who works there that H had met (more probable). Also, with the pattern that has occurred for months now when OW texts and calls which is normally between 10 - 11 pm, I had figured sometime ago that she is most likely a server/hostess/etc in a restaurant. Also, he is typically gone on a Wed or Thursday night, more than likely, OW's nights off. and tonight is Wednesday. So, if H had given out landline number at that time, it could have been saved by this person as well.

4) The message is still on the machine, I did not erase it or the caller ID. So, do I tell H about the message? If I were to, I think I would casually say "Oh, by the way, I was clearing out the messages on the machine and there was a strange message that was left. If you're interested in listening to it, I left it on the machine so you can play it." ???

Also, I did the reverse cell phone lookup and it is definitely an area cell number, not any type of marketing/bill collector number from the free info it gave me. I didn't pay for the full report. I looked up the name too, but didn't come up with anything on it. That's as far as I want to dig on it. Probably more than I should have allowed myself to do anyways.

My imagination is probably just running away with itself. But given his mood/demeanor change lately and just vibes I've been picking up on, plus all the recent text/phone calls to me, who knows?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm??????

P.S. H got home about an hour ago still in his work clothes. Forgot that he told me last night he took a side job to work on yesterday. I just said "Hey" from my room and he replied with a dull "hey". Then I went out to get some water and passed by office and said "night" H said "good night" with a sullen/annoyed/irritated tone. I went grocery shopping earlier today, so I know it wasn't about not having food in the house, lol. I'm sure he is just really tired and maybe had problems with side job or other work stuff. Not my concern now anyways.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi, AFG. Good intel. I personally would pay the small amount for the full reverse lookup report, but that's just me. Such an obscene, harrassing phone call, properly documented, might be good to have.

I think you should say to your husband "Some psycho left a rather obscene voice-mail message for me on my business line, which I really don't appreciate. I'm in the process of finding out who it is, but I thought you should be aware."

Sounds to me like the message was OW, and it was intended for either you or H (not sure which), but there's clearly trouble in Paradise.

Just keep doing what you're doing!

Puppy

P.S. I think you might have covered this before, but why do you eat in your room with your door closed? Your heart and emotions are doing VERY well, so I don't think interaction with your H set you back in any way, and this just makes you look "hunkered down" and defensive, IMHO.

[aflowergurlie]

Thanks Puppy!

P.S. I think you might have covered this before, but why do you eat in your room with your door closed? Your heart and emotions are doing VERY well, so I don't think interaction with your H set you back in any way, and this just makes you look "hunkered down" and defensive, IMHO.

Thanks for this outside perspective, it's exactly what I need to help me navigate my course. I think I pulled back this week for 1) to look more busy with my own things, especially in my job searching, showing that I'm seriously trying to find a way to move on and out of our house as soon as possibly can be done. 2) I think I have been sort of punishing him for the Saturday stunt of the drop by with "friend". I have to remind myself that it's not my job to punish him for his actions, which will be useless and not have much effect anyways at this point. I think I am struggling with what is appropriate to show as a consequence of a boundary violation (if indeed it was one) and maybe have mistaken my going darker and pulling back for that as well...???

But I completely agree with you, now being brought to my attention, all the prior interaction has been positive and has actually helped me in the projection of my more happy and friendly self.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah; it's a little passive-aggressive. Better to just do that confident thing you've got goin' on, AFG!