I wanted to follow up on my post, as I see you struggling in your last few days posting.
It seems your searching for answers, for both you and you M, and from what I have found the last month or so, I hope that my comments may help you out.
As sandi2 said, I believe it's time to drop the rope, but in addition, I think you need to drop the rope on yourself as well. Take some time, and just let things be, for me it took a couple of days. Take the pressure off yourself to find the answers.
We guys tend to do this, There must be a way to 'fix' this, or 'understand' what went wrong so I can fix that, or I want to work on our M so I can fix that, and we suffer when we can't figure it out. I have come to accept that some things we may never know, or understand completely, or we may not be able to fix it, or make the correct decision. I am now ok with that, and accept it as truth. It may just be that way for some things.
Back the pressure off: just let it be as it is right now, and stop looking for the clues completely. Hand your W and your M to your higher power, and work on accepting things as they are in this moment.
When I finally did that, it was then that I got the clarity to do what I needed to do for me, not for my M or my STBXW, and it appeared at an unusual time and place. With that, when the decision was made, everything fell into place to do what I wanted to do as if it was supposed to be.
IWITW, thanks friend. I was thinking today I could just get lost for a couple of days. Maybe on a lake or in the mountains. Just do nothing. Then, I realized I have too much (good problem) to do at work.
But, I get your point, and I agree. Trying to stay clear of R talks or any other heavy discussions for a few days.
