Frank - it's OK to be sad. It's OK to rehash - as long as that's part of your dealingwithitandgettingoverit work.
I like how you acknowledge that you are holding on to an ideal of what you would like your wife and your family to be like. You're identified that you did the stuff that needed to be done the first time around, made a safe place for your wife to come back to, but it wasn't enough because she wasn't grown.
Marriages are important and obviously worth saving if it's possible. But you are important too. You are important enough to make choices about your life that might one day include the choice to be single, rather than partnered with a damaged person. In tact families are obviously the best place for children to grow and mature - but intact families where the partners are at different spiritual and emotional maturity levels can be equally distructive for kids ... they just live with 100% dysfunction all the time, rather than a moderately dysfunctional parent some of the time.
You don't really want to be a woman's care taker do you? wouldn't you like to have a partner who is willing to meet you half way?
You will be better off when you let go of the sadness and let go of the ansgst that you feel you've failed in some way because you are getting divorced.
You haven't failed ... you're just travelling a road you didn't expect. That's not wrong, just different. And it's OK.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
