Detachment

[antlers]

Antlers, been re-reading the whole detachment thread and I was wondering:

"I love you wife. In spite of everything that's happened and is happening, I love you. And you can't take that away from me. You can take the marriage--but you can't take what I feel for you." I felt like I needed to say that under the circumstances, wrong or not, so I did.

1) If this got any response.
2) If you still would've sent it, knowing now all that's transpired since?
3) Do you still feel this way?

Nope, didn't get any specific response at all.

Yep, I still would have sent it. I did it for me.

Yep, I still feel this way.


BTW, I know that my recovering from this is up to me. It's gonna require removing the focus from her and the marriage and placing it squarely on my personal healing. I do believe that the most powerful form of healing comes from within us, and that's good news. I believe can we draw on our great inner resources by reintegrating our deepest values into our everyday sense of self. This will make us feel more valuable, confident, and powerful...regardless of what our spouses do. I believe it.

[brknheart]

Just purchased the book "Uncoupling" last night, was mentioned earlier in the thread. So far its a good read. If it doesnt help me with my current M, it will help me in my next R.

Keep on detaching...

[25yearsmlc]

Anyone know where "Beautyme" is? I'm concerned about her post and the depression going untreated...I once had a woman client tell me her h was leaving her for his pregnant OW, after a 17 y/marriage in the military. She faced serious financial damage, a sudden move, single parenting, etc. She told me she wanted to "hurt their new baby like h had hurt their children" and it scared me. So...as tempting as it was, God knows, it's crucial to remember that

It's not our job to teach lessons to our spouses, predict life's consequences to our spouses, or punish our spouses, but to heal ourselves and protect our children. That's first. Not what the WAS does/thinks/feels b/c remember, we don't control that anyhow, AND life does all that for us...hence the focus being on our wellness and recovery and the whole GAL and detaching. Great thread here but seriously, I'm worried about that person's sitch. Anyone know her?
j-

[antlers]

It's not our job to teach lessons to our spouses, predict life's consequences to our spouses, or punish our spouses, but to heal ourselves and protect our children. That's first. Not what the WAS does/thinks/feels b/c remember, we don't control that anyhow, AND life does all that for us...hence the focus being on our wellness and recovery and the whole GAL and detaching.

I agree. The focus has to be squarely on us and our healing and recovery.

[25yearsmlc]

Antlers,

more than most, I think you get it. Or you will. Where the head goes, the heart will follow. Your happiness will be the only barometer for you (okay and your kids') but your w's failures/success or happiness/misery or regrets/lack thereof, CANNOT matter to your future. If she wants back in, cope then. If not, you'll already be farther down the road into your future.

I see so many people here wanting to hear/believe that "someday the WAS will regret it" OR worse, wanting the WAS to be miserable no matter what... we simply don't know to what extent they will enjoy their new life OR deeply regret it OR whether they'd ever admit it, let alone to us...but if they don't regret it, if they are genuinely happier without us, then how can we want them in our lives as our partners? I for one want a partner who wants me back the same way. I don't need to feel unwanted on a daily basis. No thanks. So if they're gone but you spend your time wondering what is going on with them while they've left your life...and you hold onto THEIR happiness as some sort of judgement on you or reflection of your present/future self worth... It'd be like letting the rain in Seattle, or the sunshine in LA, be factors in YOUR life's happiness and "personal weather"...and they're not. Make sense?

J-

[Deep]

25: BM lives in the same neck of the woods as I do. I encouraged her to come on here to get some advice.

Lost contact with her last few days after hearing that some major developments occurred, including medical test results for both she and the H. I think she's trying hard to deal with the pain and shock still. Obviously the safe route is to detach and take care of herself first, including making sure she is on the right medication. I think she's still very much on the wild emotional rollercoaster and right now one can only pray for her. Last I heard, she has an appointment scheduled with a C that helped me a lot, and I also put her in contact with some folks running the Retro programme.

BM (if you see this), I know part of you REALLY wants to punish your H now, and to see evidence of his pain and remorse. Listen to what 25 posted and focus on taking care of yourself and the kids - as best as you can ... I'm also worried about some of the options you were considering before ...

[25yearsmlc]

25: BM lives in the same neck of the woods as I do. I encouraged her to come on here to get some advice.

Lost contact with her last few days after hearing that some major developments occurred, including medical test results for both she and the H. I think she's trying hard to deal with the pain and shock still. Obviously the safe route is to detach and take care of herself first, including making sure she is on the right medication. I think she's still very much on the wild emotional rollercoaster and right now one can only pray for her. Last I heard, she has an appointment scheduled with a C that helped me a lot, and I also put her in contact with some folks running the Retro programme.

BM (if you see this), I know part of you REALLY wants to punish your H now, and to see evidence of his pain and remorse. Listen to what 25 posted and focus on taking care of yourself and the kids - as best as you can ... I'm also worried about some of the options you were considering before ...

Deep, thanks so much for the update....BM, hang in there. We've been where you are. It does get better. Your pain is not eternal or fatal and life does improve, I swear...
((( j )))

[antlers]

Antlers,

more than most, I think you get it. Or you will. Where the head goes, the heart will follow. Your happiness will be the only barometer for you (okay and your kids') but your w's failures/success or happiness/misery or regrets/lack thereof, CANNOT matter to your future. If she wants back in, cope then. If not, you'll already be farther down the road into your future.

I see so many people here wanting to hear/believe that "someday the WAS will regret it" OR worse, wanting the WAS to be miserable no matter what... we simply don't know to what extent they will enjoy their new life OR deeply regret it OR whether they'd ever admit it, let alone to us...but if they don't regret it, if they are genuinely happier without us, then how can we want them in our lives as our partners? I for one want a partner who wants me back the same way. I don't need to feel unwanted on a daily basis. No thanks. So if they're gone but you spend your time wondering what is going on with them while they've left your life...and you hold onto THEIR happiness as some sort of judgement on you or reflection of your present/future self worth... It'd be like letting the rain in Seattle, or the sunshine in LA, be factors in YOUR life's happiness and "personal weather"...and they're not. Make sense?

J-

25,

I get it to a degree (and only to a 'degree' because it's sinking in), and I'm getting it more and more. It just has to sink in. There's a lot to be said for Smiley's Spiers Doctrine...accepting that I'm already divorced (as opposed to accepting that I'm already dead) and living my life with that knowledge and reality (as opposed to being able to now function like a soldier should). Once the fear is gone, you can move on and function like you should. Yeah, I hate that it happened...but it did. The focus, again, has to be squarely on me and my healing and recovery. My happiness is up to me now...W cannot matter at all to my future. Period.

I want a partner that wants me back the same way too! Again, we have to get to where our WAS don't matter at all to us or our future. This is something that I'm working on. Yeah, it makes sense. It makes perfect sense to NOT let something that you have no control over determine your happiness or self-worth.

[antlers]

We've been where you are. It does get better. Your pain is not eternal or fatal and life does improve, I swear...

I believe it. Gotta believe it.

[pitinmygut]

I'm with you on that one antlers!

I definitely like the "weather" analogy. Pretty basic and straight-forward, just not easy to perfect. I find detaching much harder because of the involvement of a child.