Am I at this stage?

[TrentC]

Trent, kind of embarrassing but I didn't really get the quote till you put in in better terms for me...hehe...so thanks. But now it makes sense.

No problem; it's all part of the service.

I realize I have no control over my H, and the more I set up these goals in my mind, and the more that my H doesn't meet them, the more I will feel beaten down. So thanks. Its almost like I know all this stuff, I get everything, everything makes complete sense to me, but its actually putting it into action and really doing it is the hard part right now.

Welcome to the club. Believe me, I don't practice half as well as I preach.

The detaching thing for example. I understand it, I know how to do it, its just actually doing it that I can't come to terms with. So frustrating!

The trick to detaching is to take it one encounter at a time.

* Does he text you or leave a voice mail? Unless it's related to the kids or otherwise urgent, don't reply immediately.
* Does he drop by to say "hi"? Act As If -- this will mean faking it for a while -- and be cheerful and happy around him.

That is true though, he did have sex with me and did blow me off for a day because I didn't fit into his plan that day, but then the following day when he was "bored" I fit in again, so he invited me to hockey. Now its been two days again, and I haven't heard from him. Ugh. No more!

By George, I think she's got it!

I can't wait to tell him this is not the way things are going to be. Just the sexual part I'm talking about. But then again, maybe it was a one time thing and he will not be expecting anymore. Maybe I just gave him his fix.! Its been 4 or 5 days and he hasn't mentioned a word, so for all I know he used me.

Maybe. Maybe not. Trying to figure out why he did it is unproductive negative meditation. (Also known as worrying!)

[Lll54]

Hey Trent, i read somewhere that you are doing the coaching. Do you like it? Does it seem to be helping at all? Also, you knowing best my whole sitch, would you recommend it to me?

You mentioned not replying immediately to texts or phone calls. Isn't that just playing silly high school games? I dunno, then when I get back to him and he asks why it took so long, what do I say? Also, this whole going dark, being mysterious thing. I have tried for example last week. And as soon as I walk in the door he is asking where I was. Well then what? So much for being mysterious, I'm not going to lie to the guy! You're right about the worrying. Its my key characteristic, I get that from my father. When you commented on not practicing half as well as you preach, I feel that all falls back to the comment I made on knowing what needs to be done, and actually doing it, and how completely different they are. I need a big kick in the butt to get going and maybe so do you. He he

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Britt,

The interesting thing about "fixes" is that they are -- by definition -- temporary.

He'll be back for more. This time, you'll be better prepared.

Puppy

[Lll54]

yes, yes, you're right. I know. As much as that puts a smile on my face, I know I need to prepare myself...until then...

[TrentC]

Hey Trent, i read somewhere that you are doing the coaching. Do you like it? Does it seem to be helping at all? Also, you knowing best my whole sitch, would you recommend it to me?

It's hard to say. I bought a package of three calls, so I had the initial consultation on Saturday, and I have a followup in about a week. I did like my coach though, so I'm looking forward to talking to her again.

I get the impression that if you pay for a single call, you get a slightly different format; one call is $150 and three are $390, so it's going to depend on your financial situation.

You will probably get a lot of the same advice that we all have been giving you, but it's good to have another chance to put it all into perspective.

You mentioned not replying immediately to texts or phone calls. Isn't that just playing silly high school games? I dunno, then when I get back to him and he asks why it took so long, what do I say?

* You tell him you were busy.
* You tell him you had your phone turned off.
* You tell him you were giving the kids a bath and you left the phone in the other room.

You have to create the understanding in his mind that you aren't going to be at his beck and call. This is where GAL helps; if you actually have plans and hobbies, you don't have to feel like you're deliberately avoiding him.

Also, this whole going dark, being mysterious thing. I have tried for example last week. And as soon as I walk in the door he is asking where I was. Well then what? So much for being mysterious, I'm not going to lie to the guy!

Tell him as little as he needs to know, and no more.
* You were out with friends.
* You had a dinner date.
* You went to your parents.
* You went to see a movie.

This is the guy who blew you off for 24 hours with no explanation (that I've seen you mention, anyway); why does he get a detailed itinerary of your life?

That would be another boundary to set: He gets to do whatever he wants on his time, and you have no expectation that he will fill you in on the details. So you feel it's unreasonable that he gets to grill you on what you've been doing.

When you commented on not practicing half as well as you preach, I feel that all falls back to the comment I made on knowing what needs to be done, and actually doing it, and how completely different they are. I need a big kick in the butt to get going and maybe so do you. He he

Exactly; this is a support group not unlike an AA meeting. We can try to keep each other honest, because we've all been there (or are still there).

[TrentC]

yes, yes, you're right. I know. As much as that puts a smile on my face, I know I need to prepare myself...

If you have trouble sticking to your guns, just remember what happened the last time you gave in.

And remember, the point of this is not to put the screws to him; the point is to communicate a boundary that he needs to respect.

[Lll54]

You know the more and more you talk about it the more and more it gets me thinking. And I'm starting to get upset even though I wasn't at first. But when he was here friday, let me tell you it was intimate. Like I said earlier, we made out like we were 16 yrs old and for a while! It was romantic and fun and obviously led to more. He made me feel comfortable told me 3 to 4 times how much he missed me and so on. And to blow me off after that is starting to get to me. I would love to talk to him about it, but I take it that's a no no??

[Lll54]

He text me earlier, about an hour ago. "do you have a minute to talk quick?" was what it said...haven't responded yet...

[TrentC]

He text me earlier, about an hour ago. "do you have a minute to talk quick?" was what it said...haven't responded yet...

I'd say don't respond. If he texts again and tells you what it's about, then reply.

If you need a faster reply from me, contact the alt email address in my profile.

[TrentC]

You know the more and more you talk about it the more and more it gets me thinking. And I'm starting to get upset even though I wasn't at first. But when he was here friday, let me tell you it was intimate. Like I said earlier, we made out like we were 16 yrs old and for a while! It was romantic and fun and obviously led to more. He made me feel comfortable told me 3 to 4 times how much he missed me and so on. And to blow me off after that is starting to get to me. I would love to talk to him about it, but I take it that's a no no??

Exactly. He doesn't need to hear anything more about it other than, you're not going to take the chance on getting burned like that again until he makes up his mind to stay.