Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

Good legal help is a PRECAUTION, so you know your rights and options in your state, and so that you can make sure you're protecting yourself and doing the things you SHOULD be doing, and avoiding the things you SHOULDN'T.

I got the advice. I have the agreement. The W said she'd sign it as is.

No one says you have to -- or even should -- file for divorce.

I'm not going to until I feel there is no more hope or I need to move on.

P, I'm getting concerned that you seem to want to drop your ball and run home at the least sign of resistance or bad news coming from your wife's camp. DBing is not complicated, but it IS hard work, and it requires a LOT of patience, and a LOT of self-discipline.

PDT, you're absolutely right on that score. Everytime there are steps back I throw my toys from the pram, declare it's all over and look to file for D. It's a lack of confidence in what I am doing will make a difference. It's listening to too many people who tell me it's over and move on. It's a worry that I am actually going to make things worse and it's a lack of confidence that my wife actually still wants me in some small way.

Frankly, I'm seeing neither from you, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and wonder if maybe these are some traits that your wife has had complaints about in your marriage, as well?

You're probably right. Patience I have in abundance when I know things are going along the right road. I get too distracted and dissuaded far far too easily and when that happens, the end of the world is nigh and I give up.

Self-discipline has always been an issue for me. I have bouts of it where I am as solid as a rock and focused. I then have times when I am disorganised and change my mind every 5 minutes.

I'd say the self-discipline, as it affect a huge area of your life, did affect my M.

I'm still listening to my W far too much but I have at least stopped analysing as much as I do. I dismiss most of what she says out of hand, including the 'I want a quick D' statement. Fortunately, that ball is firmly in my court and only when I'm convinced there is nothing more I can do to get my W back will I file. This is only if I get the separation agreement signed as is.

My plan is to wait it out until the OM leaves and try from there. In the meantime the contact with my daughter which I agreed to provides her with her step-mum again and, if she can be believed about anything, a committed step-mum. It also provides me with an opportunity to build up a relationship with my W.

We both agreed last night that we needed to build up the amount of time we spend together from a few hours to a full day and we need to build trust up again. That, for me, was the kind of talk people have with they are trying to R their M. I'm just accepting it for what it was though and not reading too much into it.

[P17]

Is this it then .. the end?

P-
You STILL don't get it. Only YOU can know when it is the end for YOU. YOU get to decide when you are done standing for your marriage, when it is time for you to give it up and move on.

It was a low day for me I'm afraid. I couldn't see how, with no contact between us at all, there would be any hope of anything. That was all.

[P17]

I am wondering what others make of this, particularly PDT as I know he was in the same situation.

I have told my W that I will be dating. I've joined an online dating site and met a couple of nice women online. Not met them yet, but would like to.

Anyway, I'm wondering ... what do I do about this? I am trying to move on with my life, trying to forget about the W (and I have good and bad days) and I really like these women. Do I date them and take it further (which then makes me an adulterer too) or what do I do? I want to reconcile my M but I also want to move on ...

What did you other guys do about this?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You'll get varying -- and DEEPLY HELD -- opinions on this, P, but my own decision was that I was only ok with it if my wife and I agreed to it mutually, once we separated.

The funny thing, of course, is that whereas SHE was always the one that had wanted to (even said it was a "dealbreaker" if I would only do S instead of D if we didn't date other people), now all of a sudden SHE was the one that didn't want us to date other people!!!

Puppy

[P17]

You'll get varying -- and DEEPLY HELD -- opinions on this, P, but my own decision was that I was only ok with it if my wife and I agreed to it mutually, once we separated.

Well I told my W that I was going to date. And as she is already living with her OM I don't see that she wouldn't be okay with it.

The funny thing, of course, is that whereas SHE was always the one that had wanted to (even said it was a "dealbreaker" if I would only do S instead of D if we didn't date other people), now all of a sudden SHE was the one that didn't want us to date other people!!!

Puppy

I remember reading that Puppy. In my case I really don't think my W actually cares one way or the other. so I don't think she'll come running back if she finds me with somebody else.

What worries me is that I am horrified (and rightly so) that my W is with OM and they are having sex - she's committing adultery. If I do the same, how does that make me any different? I'm just wondering if there is a road back from that to R the M ...

I'm just morally confused and wondering how it will affect the DB'ing. Maybe this is the right way to go or maybe it will kill the M completely.

Never been here at all so throwing it out there for people to help.

[sandi2]

I'm just morally confused and wondering how it will affect the DB'ing. Maybe this is the right way to go or maybe it will kill the M completely.

You do sound very confused b/c one second you are despartly in love with your W and the next second you "really like" those two women you met on line--and talking about commiting adultry. Don't you think you need to slow down a bit until you know your own mind? You don't have to be in any hurry. You sound too dangerous to let lose out there with all those women!

[P17]

I'm just morally confused and wondering how it will affect the DB'ing. Maybe this is the right way to go or maybe it will kill the M completely.

You do sound very confused b/c one second you are despartly in love with your W and the next second you "really like" those two women you met on line--and talking about commiting adultry. Don't you think you need to slow down a bit until you know your own mind? You don't have to be in any hurry. You sound too dangerous to let lose out there with all those women!

Sandi2,

I love my W and I think I always will. Whether it's old romantic nonsense or not, she is the love of my life and I miss her, our M and most of all the future we had planned, terribly.

My W has moved on - whether that is permanently or temporarily. I feel I need to move on too. That doesn't mean jumping into somebody's bed but it does mean, for me, finding 'somebody else', whether it's a friend or otherwise.

I don't think I could commit adultery. I think that would be a step in the wrong direction for me. I'm just curious about what others have done.

Over these last two days, I have been feeling better. Although after being here I understand it's simply a chemical thing. I am chatting to other people who show an interest in me and there is a little bit of excitement there. I can only assume my W is feeling exactly the same way with OM (although much more so as she is living with him)? However when that excitement goes or those people go, the feelings will come back that I will need to deal with. I think that is the attraction - the interest, the chemicals affecting how I am feeling.

Maybe something like this, as PDT did, will remind my W or what we had. I doubt it, but it's possible.

I will not give up on my M until the D is signed and sealed.

I see my IC today so I will bring it up with them too.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Maybe something like this, as PDT did, will remind my W or what we had. I doubt it, but it's possible.

P17,

Please note that I did this 28 months after the bomb.

After DBing for two years.

After two different MCs and an IC for me.

After two years of meds.

After two years of prayer.

After filing for divorce, putting the divorce on two 3-month stays, and then meeting with a divorce mediator to begin the D process yet again.

In short, I did this as a LAST RESORT, and only AFTER getting my own mind and heart into a place of peace, strength and consistency.

Not to be rude, but you're nowhere NEAR there yet.

Puppy

[P17]

Maybe something like this, as PDT did, will remind my W or what we had. I doubt it, but it's possible.

P17,

Please note that I did this 28 months after the bomb.

PDT, Didn't know this .... puts things into perspective a little. Thanks.

[P17]

I thought I would update a little on how I'm doing. I know things haven't gone exactly to plan with the DB'ing and I'm still not entirely getting it but here we go anyway.

Yesterday I was actually feeling on top of the world. I feel like I am ACTing like what is happening is no longer bothering me. I had my say in Friday with my wife when the old me came out and gave her both barrels. I'm done with that now.

However last night I was at a friends for dinner and afterwards she went on Facebook to check out my wife's page and said 'oh my god there she is with the OM', I checked it and in fact it was my W with her brother, however a switch flicked in my head (or at least I felt it did).

The switch said to me that this checking, watching and bothering is in fact destroying me slowly.

I immediately went home after my friend checked this and later texted her to say that I didn't want to know ANYTHING more she heard about my W or the OM.

Tonight I was still strong. Another friend texted me about her Facebook page (why is it always about Facebook?!?!?) and I again said that I didn't want to know any more about the W or the OM as I was trying to move on.

This is a big step for me. I know the trigger that is causing me to feel the way I do and I'm now avoiding it. I don't want to know any more about what goes on with them as all it does is upset me and takes me away from my path of GALing. The less I know the better.

Something I read a while ago on the NMMNG forum, several times, was that the relationship for these guys started to fix itself when they stopped caring about it. I am trying to get as close to that as possible not because I want to necessarily fix it (although I do) but because it's easier for me to cope with.

Yesterday and today my W and I actually exchange phone calls?!?! This hasn't happened in about 8 weeks and although we both missed each other, the voicemails were there. I said to my W on Friday that I hated texts and IM because it has caused us so many problems in the past. She actually initiated the first call! She is also actually listening to me.

For me I have now made a decision - no more texts unless it's about boring factual stuff (ie. dates). I can't let her know how happy I am and how active I am via text - but I can via voicemail.

I saw my IC today too and she has given me some help with sleeping which I will try out tonight. I was starting to be afraid of actually going to sleep!

Apologies for the long post.